Millions of wannabe gangsters are scratching their heads. We'd be lying if we said we weren't flummoxed at first. Who'd have figured that Rockstar Games, a company that's become synonymous with all things Mature-rated, would drop a family-friendly sports game on our doorsteps? Does Rockstar have something to prove? Are they trying to back away from the hooker-bashing that made them so infamous? Will there be a Hot Paddle mode? These debates are best left to message boards. Because right now we've got a startlingly good sports game on our hands – a current Xbox 360 exclusive that might just be an Xbox Live killer app.

Rockstar Games Presents Table Tennis is no joke. It's a serious take on competitive ping pong with very little of the attitude and none of the satirical humor and over-the-top violence that gamers have come to expect from Grand Theft Auto. This game is making a  play for Virtua Tennis' seat at the top of the racquet sports genre. And it's a worthy contender.

More Human Than Breton

Anybody who's played Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion knows that next gen faces can really bring the ugly. Table Tennis' Rainbow Coalition of fictional sportsmen and women manage to dodge the ugly stick. Lovingly rendered sweat and muscle tone make the athletes less rubbery-looking than the creepy robo-babes of Rumble Roses XX. A handful  of expressive animations showing the players celebrate an aced shot or mull over a foul-up go a long way to injecting these digital paddle-pushers with a breath of life. And considering that this is a Rockstar game, they're surprisingly modest in their actions. Except for Carmen who taunts opponents by whacking herself on the ass. Kinda makes you want to book a ticket for Rio.

Re-Rolling Prohibited

There are trade-offs when characters look this good. The 11 playables are hardwired with a fixed set of stats with little or no opportunity for character customization. Aside from a handful of unlockable outfits, there's no way to make your avatar stand out. Character moves, attributes, and physical features can't be tweaked either. You've got your choice between 11 playable characters and that's it. With character customization rapidly becoming an industry standard, some might be a little surprised to find a game that keeps such tight reins on character looks. But then who really relishes the possibility of playing a match against a half-naked fat man in leather chaps and sombrero?

Put the Paddle to the Metal

Controls can make or break a twitch-centric sports title. Table Tennis nails the sweet spot between pick-up and play fun and deep game mechanics. A clever mechanic that ties the 360's four colored buttons to matching directional spin makes it easy for even the greenest sports novice to put some English on their returns. A colored glow that swirls around the ball makes it easy to pick out what kind of spin a ball has on it and react accordingly.

There's more depth to be found in charged shots – volleys that gain added oomph the longer you hold the spin button. Focused shots are fast, ballsy moves that can be triggered with a press of the right bumper or saved up for “full focus” when your character ties a string of the blazing swings together. Cataloging all of these details makes the game seem a tad more bloated than it really is. For the casual player the explanation, “move with the left stick, whack the ball with these buttons” is about all you need.

Career Opportunities

Table Tennis' robot opponents offer a fair challenge. With three tournament difficulties and a lion's share of the characters and venues locked at the outset of the game, there's plenty reason for completionists and achievement junkies to soldier through the game solo. The process of winning a single player championship's fairly humane. Lost matches can be replayed until won and progress through the ranks is saved. Table Tennis doesn't force you to replay an entire tournament each time you want to make a run at a hard-to-beat boss.

All the Way Live

But one can only kick a computer's ass so many times before the beatings become as joyless and robotic as Tomkat's sex life. Two players can go head to head on the couch (keep it clean, kids) and find even more competition via Xbox Live. Online Table Tennis offers just-for-fun player matches as well as ranked custom matches and full-blown tournaments. The nifty Table Tennis Network allows voyeurs to spectate matches that are in progress. Or, if you need a little privacy, slam the curtains shut and play away from the prying eyes of strangers. All Red Shoe Diary references aside, Rockstar Presents Table Tennis feels like it was made for Xbox Live. And while network hiccups occasionally cause your rivals to teleport from one end of the table to another, the experience of online play feels just as intense and dramatic as the single player game.

Your Mind Makes it Real

Thanks to next-gen graphical flair, elegant controls, and a sparkling sheen of packaging polish, Rockstar Presents Table Tennis manages a near miracle. The game makes it incredibly easy to transcend joystick twiddling and get wrapped up in the mental game of ping-pong. Long back and forth rallies, intensified by throbbing ambient techno, become engrossing experiences. Point gaps can become debilitating obstacles or lull a player into a false sense of security. As games become more complex it's refreshing to find a game that immerses without drowning us in a flood of features.

Review By: Gus Mastrapa
Video Produced By: Mark Fahey