Just because your laptop is portable enough to be lugged around everywhere you go, doesn't mean it should be. Especially not to the Starbucks bathroom.

I don't give much thought to the role of laptop computers in our society. Unlike cell phones, which are constantly invading new aspects of modern life, laptops seem to do their job without disrupting things too much. We've all had those moments when someone around us thinks it's okay to chat on his mobile while in the movies, or the library...or the stall next to us. Yet even with portability almost equal to cell phones, laptops haven't begun to intrude into any of those sacred places.

Or so I thought, until I spent five minutes waiting outside a Starbucks restroom the other day, only to witness the occupant leaving--with his laptop in hand! I was pretty grossed out by the image of this dude cranking out a piece-of-crap screenplay whilst cranking out an actual piece of crap. But even more disgusting was the realization that thanks to wi-fi technology and the omnipresence of pornography on the internet, the occupant could have been up to something far kinkier.

So rather than wait for more and more of these incidences to occur until I've reached my boiling point and feel the need to destroy every laptop on the face of the earth, I've decided to lay out a few ground rules to let the world know that there really are some places your portable PC should never be.


Public Bathrooms

George CostanzaRemember when George took an un-purchased book into a store bathroom on "Seinfeld"? If you take your laptop into the bathroom, you're basically admitting that you're no better than George Costanza. And nobody wants to be that guy who "pulled a Costanza," do you?

 


Sporting Events

football fansNot only will you piss off all the real sports fans around you, there's a good chance you'll spill your beer into the computer and totally fry it. But then again, maybe that's what you deserve for bringing a laptop to a friggin' game. Jackass.

 


Movie Theaters

Hugh GrantI don't care if Gene Siskel gets raised from the dead to write one last movie review, no one should ever bring a computer into a movie theater.  It would be almost impossible to fully appreciate Hugh Grant's wit and charm next to the laptop's glowing screen. Hey, I said almost.


Funerals

Six Feet Under

Hey you, the jerk sitting in the third row with the laptop, could ya cut that out? I'm all cramped up in a shabbily-lined pine box, my cousin's rendering a truly atrocious version of "It's So Hard 2 Say Goodbye 2 Yesterday," and the clickety-clack of your stubby fingers hunting and pecking isn't exactly what I'd call "resting in peace." You're killin' me all over again.

 


On A Date

Laptops Fertility

Whipping out your laptop in the middle of a romantic evening will signal to your date that you're self-absorbed, boring and, oh yeah, a big fat loser geek. Even if you somehow manage to convince her otherwise and get some action, there's a good chance that the heat from your laptop will have made your boys downstairs a little too hot to handle.


The Beach

laptop beachWho the hell do you think you are, Angela Bower? Can't you stop your busy high-powered executive life for one damn minute to enjoy some time with your family? Besides, your laptop's blocking my view... of the ocean, of course.


God's House

churchDoesn't matter if it's a church, temple, mosque, or non-affiliated non-demoniational house of worship. If there's a chance anyone connected to God might be hanging out there, the place is off-limits to your laptop. Unless it's the L. Ron Hubbard Dianetics Center... in which case, holy crap, you're actually a scientologist??


The Golden Rule

wired

If you're having a hard time deciding whether it's appropriate to take your laptop with you somewhere, remember the golden rule:

If you're hanging out in a public place, leave your laptop in its handsome carrying case.