G4 TV - TheFeed - Bad Snack Reviews

PETA Offering Prize For Non-Meat Meat

Mon, 21 Apr 2008 16:27:00 GMT

The People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals will be announcing plans this week for a $1 million prize to the "first person to come up with a method to produce commercially viable quantities of in-vitro meat at competitive prices by 2012."

In other words, who here among us will invent the next Chicken McNugget?

For years, scientists have worked to develop technologies to grow tissue cultures that could be consumed like meat without the expense of land or feed and the disease potential of real meat. In theory, once grown, this tissue could be shaped and given texture with the kinds of additives and structural agents that are used to give products such as soy burgers a more meaty texture.

"Because meat substitutes are produced under controlled conditions impossible to maintain in traditional animal farms, they can be safer, more nutritious, less polluting and more humane than conventional meat,” says New Harvest, a nonprofit organization formed to promote the field.

However, not everyone is thrilled with the idea of a contest to find a new non-meat meat product PETA co-founder Ingrid Newkirk said the decision to sponsor a prize caused "a near civil war in our office," since so many PETA members are repulsed by the thought of eating animal tissue, even if no animals are killed.

"My main concern is, as the largest animal rights organization in the world, it's our job to introduce the philosophy and hammer it home that animals are not ours to eat," countered Lisa Lange, a vice president of the organization. "I would be much more comfortable promoting eating roadkill."

That’s hot.

Newsobserver.com: PETA pushes for Test Tube meat

Bad Snack Review: 'Iron Man' Cookie

Fri, 04 Apr 2008 14:14:00 GMT

This Iron Man Edible Image cookie caught our eye at 7-11 this morning on our daily Slurpee/Doritos run and we just had to snatch it up. Nevermind the fact that we will buy anything as a department, but us G4 internetsies would be remiss if we didn't do our duty in reviewing something that straddles the line of marketing propaganda and kitsch collecterism.

Read our impressions below the click.

Because we have nothing to do today but sit around and talk about cookies, here are TheFeed's impressions of this pre-packaged confectionary treat.

Patrick says: So THIS is what war profiteering tastes like.

Brian says: It tastes like Halo Game Fuel. It had a certain, pointless corporate tie-in quality that really cleansed the palette.

Eugene says: I think it was fluffy and delicious. I could survive for days just licking Iron Man's face. I love Tony Stark in my mouth!

Mike says: The dainty white frosting on the cookie is totally un-Iron Man. Should have been red, or even metallic. However, the problem is, it’s not even a good idea. Cookies? For Iron Man? Stupid, lazy snack making.

Ty says: Phtooph. It tastes like sand with a temporary tattoo laid over it.

Jon says: It's no replacement for a Mandarin orange!

Also, the technology behind the edible image is interesting if you're a printing nerd who's into highly technical printing stuff. As always, use your Google for more info and watch for more bad snack reviews from TheFeed in the future.

SO READY

Fruit Flavored

Fri, 13 Apr 2007 10:53:00 GMT

Ben & Jerry is introducing a new flavor into their lexicon of taste: the Queen-inspired "Bohemian Raspberry."

The tasty treat follows B ‘n’ J’s other popular music-themed ice creams, including Phish Food and Cherry Garcia

Queen guitarist Brian May released this ridiculously punny statement: "It's Queentastic! Rhapsolicious! So cool it's not funny! But only if the next one is 'We Will Chock You!'"

The flavor will raise money for the Mercury Phoenix Trust fighting AIDS worldwide.

YahooNews.com: Queen 'flavored' ice cream on the way

Russian Govt: "Don't Eat the Yellow Snow"

Fri, 02 Feb 2007 16:56:00 GMT

Russia’s Emergency Situations Ministry has advised the citizens of the Omsk region of Siberia not to drink the yellow, orange, and green snow that fell earlier in the week.

The precipitation in question is oily to the touch and has been said to have a rotten smell to it.

How it took us so long to win the Cold War against people that have to be warned not to drink this stuff is beyond us.

globeandmail.com: Oily, smelly snow falls over Siberian region

Man Killed Over Warm Beer

Tue, 05 Dec 2006 14:19:00 GMT

You may remember that, some weeks back, TheFeed reported that St. Louis had been named as the MostDangerousCity in the United States. At the time, we weren’t totally convinced. We’ve all seen Four Brothers and know that that kind of stuff goes on all the time in Detroit, so we figured Motown was a shoe-in. But now our doubts are slowly but surely disappearing.

You see, in The Lou, not only can you be killed for wanting Jesus but, apparently, you can also expect to be shot several times for offering someone a warm beer.

That’s what happened on Sunday, when police say a St. Louis woman shot her 70-year-old husband four to five times in the chest after he offered her a warm can of Stag, part of the fine family of Pabst Brewing Company beers. To be sure, anyone who offers someone a warm beer deserves a mild ass-beating. No one’s disputing that. But no one deserves a torso-full of lead for a simple lapse in etiquette.

It’s saddening to know that something as simple as a beer cozy could have prevented this senseless crime. That’s why, in the interest of a safe and happy holiday season, we hope you’ll check out this experiment done by the folks over at myscienceproject.org. It’s full of interesting observations and real-world tests of a wide spectrum of cozies.

Study it well. The life you save may be your own.

STLtoday: ST. LOUIS: Warm beer led to killing, police say

Baby Tastes Best When Microwaved On High

Tue, 28 Nov 2006 10:31:00 GMT

Just when you thought your day couldn't get any more delicious, a Dayton woman has been arrested and charged with killing her baby...by microwaving it to death.

About a year ago, China Arnold brought her lifeless, 28-day-old baby, Paris, to a Dayton emergency room. The child died at the hospital where the cause of death was listed as "thermal injury." A strange diagnosis because, as far as anyone knew, the baby had never been to space or placed in a nuclear reactor. China was taken into custody and questioned, but never charged with endangering her child's life.

Now, unfortunately, China is headed to jail, but what an ingenious move microwaving the baby was! It was so smooth it took the Dayton police department over a year to figure out what happened, which is baffling considering the baby arrived to emergency room in a patented Hot Pocket crisping sleeve.

WDTN: Mother Accused Of Microwaving Her Baby To Death

Bad Snack Review: Spotted Dick

Thu, 12 Oct 2006 07:17:00 GMT

TheFeed Super-Awesome Adventure Team And Wild West Stunt Show think it's pretty funny to eat bad foods and tell you about it. We call it Bad Snack Review. Today we're choking down Spotted Dick.

Steve: Nothing can convince me that foods with suggestive names aren't hilarious. I'm immature like that. Witness the Cock Soup review and this amusing photo:

But the can of Spotted Dick almost cost me my job.

See, I ran into Attack of the Show's Layla Kayleigh in the halls here, and, knowing she's from Great Britain, the home of the Dick, I almost asked: "Hey, Layla, wanna come over to my desk and eat my Spotted Dick?"

Luckily I thought the better of it and instead just watched her walk by, thinking "Someday, I'll talk to her."

Anyway: The bottom line on Spotted Dick: For cake in a can, it doesn't taste bad. It's kind of mushy and cakey and raisen-y. If you didn't have teeth (and I don't) it would rule.

I gummed a couple of forkfuls and sat back and relaxed...only with the passage of time did the true awful of Spotted Dick hit me. The aftertaste haunts your mouth like a vengeful Japanese ghost. It's tangy and vaguely metallic, and it won't. wash. out. EVER.

I can still taste it. Blech! (spit spit)

Frank: Much like in my personal life, I refused to eat the spotted dick..

Mike: It wasn’t much different than eating a fruitcake, which isn’t that pleasant. There was some sort of preserved fruit involved in it. Also, it was cake in a can, which is pretty unusual, even for England. Also also, why would you go out of your way to call something Spotted Dick? That’s just asking for it.

Dana: Leave it to the British to turn something with the main ingredients of flour, sugar, raisins, and more sugar into something bland and unholy. Thanks for this and the Spice Girls you stupid as* holes. Spotted Dick? More like Spotted Suck My D*ck.

Bad Snack Review #7

Tue, 03 Oct 2006 14:38:00 GMT

Oh you thought Tokyo was over, didn't you?

WRONG!

Japan is filled with really horrible snack foods and we're here to eat them. We being TheFeed Online super awesome adventure team.

The current snack: What We Can Only Guess Are Pickled Squid Tentacles

Click below to see what we thought!

dvinson: One wiff of these bad boys will bring even the most adventurous of food lovers to his knees.

Again, SJohnson and I were the only ones who remembered to pack our balls. We both agreed that these weren’t as bad as we thought.

What is there to say about things that are most likely pickled squid tentacles? They’re very rubbery…and very fishy...

Just like your mom.

frankmeyer: WTF? Dana, I find your constant harassment of my mom to be tasteless and…much like this snack!

sjohnson: I am man enough to eat the squid tentacles. I wolfed down a whole octopus. It tasted like semen.

mdalonzo: Nope. Couldn’t get past the way they looked. It was too much to conceive of putting these things in my mouth. Much like semen.

Bad Snack Review #6

Tue, 03 Oct 2006 09:00:00 GMT

Oh you thought Tokyo was over, didn't you? WRONG!

Japan is filled with really horrible snack foods and we're here to eat them. We being TheFeed Online super awesome adventure team.

The current snack: Unidentified Brown Gobs That Smell like Dog Food

Click below to see what we thought!

dvinson: I believe we’re now entering into the category of foods that only I and SJohnson would touch. This item again had no English on the packaging, so we had no idea what it was. The only remarkable thing about it is its overwhelming stench of dog food. Like the sh*t that comes out of the can in the shape of the can, glistening with fat and dog foodiness.

The little brown ball tasted like I imagine dog food tastes (and no, not delicious) and then morphed into something less decernable. By the end of the chewing, it was sort of like a mushy lump, much like the inside of a chick pea with the same consistency. This led me to surmise that it was some sort of soy product.

frankmeyer: SJohnson once promised a G4 co-worker to an eat-off where he promised he could eat one of Burger King quadruple devastation burgers the fastest. Then he chickened out.

sjohnson: Semen. Hey, Frank: Semen.

mdalonzo: I ate one. It tasted revolting. These should have been packaged with the picture of the terrorist on the bag, because I would rather spend an afternoon at Abu Ghirab than eat another one ever in my life. The taste took a backseat to consistency, which was a lot like brains.

Bad Snack Review #5

Mon, 02 Oct 2006 16:06:00 GMT

Oh you thought Tokyo was over, didn't you? WRONG!

Japan is filled with really horrible snack foods and we're here to eat them. We being TheFeed Online super awesome adventure team.

The current snack: Salted Plums

Click below to see what we thought!

dvinson: There’s no English on this package and none of us knew what these were until an associate of ours pointed out that they were salted plums and that she “loves them.” I trust her, plus, I like plums and I like salt; however, I learned I don’t like salted plums. They suck. You learn something new everyday. Keep these things away from me. They make me want to destroy sh*t using only my eyes.

frankmeyer: I hate plums, hate salt, and hate SJohnson for suggesting this whole idea.

sjohnson: They were very salty and slightly sweet. Like semen.

mdalonzo: I liked these more than I expected I would. Salted plums taste a little like Sour Patch Kids, but the sodium in them would kill your grandmother just by looking at them. With her eyes.

Bad Snack Review #4

Fri, 29 Sep 2006 17:15:00 GMT

Japan is filled with really horrible snack foods and we're here to eat them. We being TheFeed Online super awesome adventure team.

The current snack: Bourbon Petit Bit

Click below to see what we thought!

dvinson: When these were plunked down on my desk, the words “I think this has alcohol” narrated its landing. Unfortunately, Bourbon Petit Bits don’t contain alcohol. This fact is a slight let down; however, the tiny chocolates taste very similar to a Kit-Kat with a hint of hazelnut. According to the packaging, though, it contains hazelnut and spaghetti made out of brown playdoh. They should really change the packaging.

frankmeyer: No alcohol, no likey.

sjohnson: Bourbon? More like “semen.”

mdalonzo: Very nice. Delightful chocolates with a hint of non-existent bourbon. My favorite kind of bourbon, incidentally.

Bad Snack Review #3

Fri, 29 Sep 2006 15:01:00 GMT

Japan is filled with really horrible snack foods and we're here to eat them. We being TheFeed Online super awesome adventure team.

The current snack: Delicious Party

Click below to see what we thought!

dvinson: Snap into Delicious Party! I really wanted Randy “Macho Man” Savage to leap out of this vacuum-sealed package when I opened it, but alas all I got were delicious little sausages. *sigh* This might be a delicious party, but you might as well call it a dream deferred.

frankmeyer: Now, tiny sausages I can handle! I guess I’m just very familiar with the concept.

sjohnson: They look like Slim Jims, but taste like semen.

mdalonzo: Little sausages that might just be the most average snack on Planet Earth. Still, with all of the other f-ed up s**t you’re likely to have in your mouth when it comes to being in the Far East, this might just be the snack that provides balance to the Force.

Bad Snack Review #2

Fri, 29 Sep 2006 12:15:00 GMT

Japan is filled with really horrible snack foods and we're here to eat them. We being TheFeed Online super awesome adventure team.

The current snack: Cubyrop

Click below to see what we thought!

dvinson: I think this is what it’s called when you molest a kindergardener over by where they store the coats and shoes. Either that or they are delicious artificially flavored jelly cubes.

frankmeyer: I took one look at these “jelly cubes” and decided that this whole snack review idea was a really bad one.

sjohnson: Cubyrop is sweet and candy-like, with a slight after-taste of semen.

mdalonzo: Just like a little shot of super-sweet jelly in your mouth. These things are like Turkish Delight, but not the kind that would bind me together with the Snow Queen for all eternity, or cause me to sell out my friend Mr. Tumnus.

Bad Snack Review

Thu, 28 Sep 2006 17:45:00 GMT

Japan is filled with really horrible snack foods and we're here to eat them. We being TheFeed Online super awesome adventure team.

The current snack: Tohato Habanero Talking Turban Terrorist Pepper Corn Chips

Click below to see what we thought!

dvinson: These sort of taste like a combination of Funions and Fritos, only they are spicy. Everyone seemed to really like the chips, but I thought they tasted like ass. Not at first, at first they were good and non-assy, but like three seconds into chewing, they developed this very distinct aftertaste that was screaming “ASS” in my mouth.

The Talking Turban Terrorist Pepper appears to be floating manically above the taj mahal. Is he from Mexico? The use of the word “habanero” seems to support that; however, his turban says otherwise. Maybe it’s a disguise or clever ruse. Anyway, I don’t know why the Talking Turban Terrorist Pepper has chosen India as his target, but someone better warn them.

Plus, the chips themselves weren’t spicy enough. What the fu*k type of Talking Turban Terrorist Pepper possibly from Mexico, but maybe not makes habanero not spicy? Weak, dude.

sjohnson: These terrorist chips taste like semen.

frankmeyer: These friggin’ chip DO NOT talk. I feel cheated.

mdalonzo: I actually liked these things, although they were much less spicy than advertised. I found them to be on the agitator side of things, as opposed to terrorist. Not that I mind, but when you look at the packaging, you think, oh s**t, these things are going to destroy me alimentary canal, and I might have to call a hospital after eating them. No such luck.

What A Tool! Cop Canned For Pot Cookies

Tue, 12 Sep 2006 14:50:00 GMT

A Spokane, Washington cop was forced to resign after eating two $1 pot cookies at a Tool concert on August 27, 2006 at the Gorge Amphitheater.

The really sucky part is that the officer was ratted on by two fellow cops. Hey, I thought there was some sort of code between cops where they didn’t narc on each other!

Jonathon Smith, a three-year officer, resigned last month after Police Chief James Nicks gave him a choice between quitting and being canned.

After spilling the beans on Smith and the guy who sold him the goods, Steven Cory Mack, 26, got popped after an investigation of marijuana delivery. Investigators found 2.8 grams of marijuana in a search of Mack's seized 1999 Chevrolet Blazer, along with $300 in $1 dollar bills and a plastic container with crumbs inside.

"What a knucklehead he is. That dollar just cost him a $50,000 job," an officer said.

That’s all well and good…but I just wanna know where I can buy pot cookies for a buck now!

Blabbermouth.net: Cop Loses Job For Eating Pot-Laced Cookies At TOOL Concert

Bad Snack Reviews: Cock Flavoured Soup

Wed, 19 Jul 2006 20:26:00 GMT

Part of TheFeed's ongoing public service program is our new initiative to help review and dissect the worst snacks that our local marts have to offer. Today's subject is Grace's Cock Flavoured Soup Mix - Spicy.

Mike says:

Now, I've swallowed a lot of cock in my time, so when I tell you that cock flavoured soup isn't a new taste for me, you should know I'm not lying. However, I was unprepared for the full cock flavour that permeated the rich, creamy broth. If there's better cock in Los Angeles, I have yet to taste it. Nice and spicy, like you'd want your cock flavouring to be, Grace has really got something special here. I'm grabbing this cock and not letting go until the flavour is completely drained.

Dana says:

I'm the genius who went all the way to the supermarket, was able to find the one shelf of Jamaican delicacies, and bring back the glory that is cock flavoured (with a "u" for extra class) soup. This soup is authentically Jamaican, so it has five jobs. (I've been making that joke all day.) I take all the credit for discovering this delicious cock soup. And, despite the silly name, it really is quite good. It's like chicken noodle, but with a kick. It's jammed packed with yummy chemicals like MSG for extra brain-slowing power, but the taste is fantastic. Much better than ramen.

A++++++ would cock again.

Steve says:

Oh, now I get it! Cock flavored soup is funny because when people say "cock" they usually mean male genitalia, so eating this is like eating penis soup.

And when you talk about the cock flavor, it seems like you're talking about the way a penis tastes.

There's certainly opportunity for humorous commentary here!

Bad Snack Reviews: Tab Energy

Thu, 06 Jul 2006 00:02:00 GMT

Today, The Feed looks at a new energy drink...Tab Energy. Now, for those of you who don't know, Tab was the original diet cola, way back in the day, so please imagine the ethic behind orignal, bad-tasting diet cola, mixed with Red Bull, and we're ready to review.

Mike
It seems like this drink is based on a berry, though no berry like this appears in nature. Think of what burned plastic grown on a tree and fermented into a berry juice, and then mixed with Taurine, might tase like. It's not pleasant, and I'm still tired, so it was bad on both fronts. Kudos for resurrecting the Tab franchise, however.

Frank
It's pretty bad, but only about a notch worse than, say, Red Bull. I mean, once you're drinking stuff that tastes like liquified kiddie vitamins, how choosey can you get? I suppose if you mixed it with Vodka, it might be okay... but then again if you mix anything with Vodka, it's okay in my book! Let's drink!

Steve Johnson
It tastes like old lady pee.

Dana
AM I CRAZY?? The Tab Energy drink kind of grew on me. It grew on me so much, I found myself sitting here sipping it through out the afternoon and building this kind of strange pent up energy, the likes of which can only nomally be found at a religious revival. Now, I'm really excited about everything in the world around me, especially typing, which is what I am currently doing. Man, do I love typing FAST!

You know what else goes fast?! Cars. Cars are awesome. I just watched me some of that Tokyo Drift movie and, althought it won't be winning any Oscars soon, I really enjoyed it. Movies are meant to be watched on a big, lit screen. Movies are about spectacle and I think lately these talky pieces of crap that Hollywood keeps feeding us have lulled us into a false sense of story. I think story is overrated. Sometimes I want to go see a movie that pops off the screen just because it's visually interesting. Tokyo Drift was that film. I don't know where all this energy is coming from, but I love it.

And I was loving it so much in fact that I ate a Clamato chip from last week and washed it down with some Tab. That probably wasn't the smartest thing ever; it didn't taste so hot. I think age really brings out the clam flavor of the Clamato chip. I digress.

In short: Tab is awesome. Life is awesome. I could talk about this stuff all day.

Hey, do you guys like movies about gladiators?

Bad Food Reviews

Tue, 27 Jun 2006 14:27:00 GMT

As a public service to Feed readers the world over, we're tasting disgusting snacks so you don't have to.

Today's snack: Clamato Tortilla Chips

The packaging looks nice, and I like things that are "NEW!" but the chips themselves are not nice. They're unholy orange/red wedges--really disturbing, like the Clamato chips are triangular flakes of Hell itself.

First, The Feed made our new intern Justin eat one. He didn't die, so I popped one in my mouth.

It was here my troubles began. The taste was...my god... I wasn't mentally prepared for the tangy, cloying, tomato extract mixed with grave-dust flavor of these chips. It's not so much a taste as a betrayal. They're dry. They hurt your tongue. They are an abomination of flavor.

They don't taste like clams at all, which probably a good thing, but it's still dishonest. Not only do Clamato chips taste like somone threw up in your mouth, they lie to you. This snack ruined my life.

But they're pretty crunchy.

Dana tried some next. Here's what she said:

Dvinson's review:

SJohnson has no taste buds and his mother is a trout. He’s just jealous of the sheer awesome powerfulness of the Clamato Tortilla Chip. Its exoticness tortures his very soul and makes him regret his humdrum life. The flavor of clams and tomato on a tortilla chip sends shivers of inferiority up his spine.

I have tasted the power of the mighty Clamato Tortilla Chip! The shiny blue packaging called to me from the top row of the vending machine. It delicately whispered in my ear like a lover at sunset, “eat me, for I am tasty.”

AND HOW!

Seriously, the Clamato Tortilla Chip is as good as it sounds. The hot pink chip is covered in some sort of unidentified delicious dust, it’s magic! These people just can’t get past the “clam” part. I can’t even taste any clam, these guys are pus*ies if you ask me. Clam pus*ies. Clamato Tortilla Chips are a snack revolution. I’m going to buy stock. They make me all tingly. Long live the clam-tomato-tortilla-chip fantasticness!

Actually, they just kinda taste like some sort of bastardized pizza thingy. Eh.

Mdalonzo's review:

This serves so many purposes on the front of bad taste, it’s almost impossible to think of how it ever got made. First, the idea. Who, in their right mind, would be excited about the idea of tortilla chips with the taste of dried clams and tomato juice on them? Then, the taste, which has the wonderful quality of being at first a lot like old, dry Spaghetti-o’s, and finishes with the taste of puke that might be attained from too many Bloody Marys. Finally, they’re not only fattening, but have 40g of carbs in them. What this means that that they’re not only odious, but they taste terrible as well. For these and so many other reason, I’m forced to give Clamato Chips a tongue’s down.