G4 TV - TheFeed - Webmaster Hates You

The Webmaster LOVES This Kid

Mon, 27 Apr 2009 15:00:00 -0700

I get a lot of email. And as any of you that have ever emailed me know, I personally respond to almost all of it. Most of the email is spam and crap. Some of it is mildly amusing. And I still occasionally get angry emails about how we ate Leo Laporte (he was delicious, BTW).

Every once in awhile I receive something brilliant, like the email below. I'm challenging YOU Feed readers to help prove/ disprove his hologram concept. Either way I'm sending him all the swag I can find. You have to respect anything that involves a diagram made in MS Paint.

Dear Webmaster,

I think I have an idea for a hologram!! My science teacher isn't actually into science, so she won't really work with me. :(

I thought that the webmaster would know a thing or two, or at least enough to tell me it wouldn't work, or that it is a waste of time and effort, or maybe make it so ridiculously funny it can't be seriously considered.

It goes like this:

A beam of tightly focused light is shot up vertically from a projector-like mechanism (I do not know if different colors on the spectrum can be seen in one wave, but if projectors were also located on the horizontal, and those colors mixed with each other, you could *potentially* mix them and create some semblance of floating pixels), and another beam is shot down at a fraction of a fraction of a second later, to meet and possibly cancel out the first vertical wave. Now, I am only 14, and only recently introduced to the field of physical science, but I am very excited about this idea, albeit rough and hard to explain in words. If you cannot aide me, I would greatly appreciate it if you relayed this message to perhaps a personal friend/ known expert in the field, etc.

Attached is some kind of equally rough diagram.

Infinite thanks,
D. L. Snyder

P.S.--G4 ftw.

So there you have it, folks. Help me help him in the comments section.

The Webmaster Hates Internet Explorer 6

Fri, 17 Apr 2009 09:43:00 -0700

Dear Internet Website Visitor,

If you're visiting this website using Internet Explorer 6, this message is for you. If not, please move along.

G4tv.com and all of the awesome future iterations we have planned for it/ you are best experienced using a modern web browser. IE6 is not a modern web browser, and we're no longer going to support it.

Don't panic though, as updating your browser is free, easy and mostly painless. And you'll have the added benefit of making your Internet browsing more secure. And you'll contribute to peace on earth.

Ok Mr. Webmaster Guy, now what do I do?

Well, you can simply upgrade from IE6 to IE8. If that's how you choose to roll, click here to download IE8. Microsoft will guide you through the rest from that page.

If you don't want IE8, can't upgrade or just want to try a new experience then you should try either Firefox 3 or Google Chrome.

If you have any questions, require and additional assistance or just need a hug, you can email me or post in this forum thread.

UPDATE: Just to be totally clear for those of you who visit the site from work/ computers you cannot update - G4tv.com will still work in IE6 - you'll still be able to read the blogs, rant on the forums, watch videos, etc. It just might not look as pretty or function exactly as intended.

Thanks for your continued support of G4tv.com - we have some really cool stuff coming up on the site that I hope/ think you'll love...

The Webmaster Hates You, Loves His Job

Fri, 20 Mar 2009 14:51:00 -0700

As you probably already know, G4's Webmaster hates you. But he doesn't hate his job. He loves his job. Not only does his job get him chicks, a slow Friday workday will often result in a company-wide, nerd-riffic email chain of ultimate win.

Today's subject:

Courtney K: Do light-sabers work underwater? Inquiring (nerd) minds want to know.

Matt K: Nerd thrusters are go.

Generally, no. If water gets into a non-waterproof saber and it isn’t allowed to dry out, it will short out when activated. This originally was supposed to happen to Obi-Wan in Episode 1, which is why Liam Neeson has to save his ass when he comes running into the scene being chased by the droid on the STAP. But the scene where Neeson lectures him about it was cut. After this incident, Obi-Wan waterproofed his saber, which is why he doesn’t have a problem with it fighting Jango Fett in the rain in Episode 2.

Some stories indicate that sabers will short out if the blade even touches liquid, but this is generally ignored because it implies that the best weapon against a Jedi is a bucket of water. It is possible to make a saber that can be used fully underwater. Kitt Fisto is of an amphibious alien race and uses a specially designed saber that could be used for underwater combat.

Courtney K: Therefore, Wonder Twin Zan > Jedi.

Mike B: Marry me, Matt K.

Matt V: The “wrist hilt” is pretty sneaky. Although one downside I see to that is that you’d probably have a ton of shirts with the end of the sleeves burnt/charred off, especially if you’re a little guy with sloping shoulders. You’d have to have a “go out to attack someone” and a “just goin’ out” wardrobe. And on a Jedi salary, that may not happen.

Adam J: Jedi’s get a salary? I wonder what tax bracket they’re in?

Jedd S.: Do Jedi’s still get year-end bonuses if the Imperial Senate falls to the Galactic Empire?

Matt K: Yes. That’s why Palpatine had them all killed. It Saved the Empire billions.

Rob R: Wouldn't the Saber instantly turn the water to steam? As the water molecules came in contact with the saber, wouldn't they expand and move away, causing more H2O molecules to come into contact with the saber? Thus producing a runaway steam outgassing like a small volcano vent on the bottom of the ocean?

Robert J.: I'm fairly confident that you just detailed the plot from 'Jedi Steamroom Adventures 6' out this Spring on Vivid Video.

Courtney K: That's assuming that a saber is "heat," rather than "light." If it's heat, perhaps. If it's light, then I would guess that it would just refract differently under water (and other atmospheres) just as the light from a flashlight would. If it's both, then...???

*Braces herself for getting bashed by people who know more about physics*

Rob R.: Well, if it was just a flashlight, it could hardly slice through metal, or arms, or whatever you are slicing through.

Matt. K: It's already been demonstrated in Phantom Menace that they can use a light-saber to cut through a heavy steel door, and made it glow red-hot, so I'm going with the "light sabers are really hot" theory.

A saber cut cauterizes wounds and leaves molten metal behind at cut points. In Episode 1, Qui-Gon uses his saber to bring the durasteel blast doors of the Trade Federation ship to melting point. So sabers are definitely hot, but whether or not they give off heat at all is a matter of debate due to the differences in effects between the original films and the prequels.

Before the prequels, it was assumed that a lightsaber was a perfectly efficient device. It doesn't give off any heat or light outside of what you see in the blade. This was partly due to having to explain why the sabers didn't cast a colored glow on their surroundings, because they were just drawn in during post.

In the prequels, the tech existed to have the light sabers cast colored glow on everything around them...and so they did. This contradicts the "perfect efficiency" thing, however, leading to questions of whether or not a saber bleeds off heat, as well.

In the case of plunging a saber into water, you probably would end up with a violent evaporation situation, judging by the way the raindrops in several videogames hiss when landing on a saber blade. That would actually be an awesome way for a Jedi to get away from pursuers, which may explain why Lucas never thought of it.

Jeremy R. WHY ARE YOU PEOPLE NOT WORKING?!! (Just kidding, loving this nerd parade.)

Jedd S:

Jason P:

Adam J:

Jason P:

Jonathan G:

(Ed: A brief explanation of G4 lore: A long time ago, a G4 email thread about the merits of breakfast foods from the East Coast raged on for several days and several hundred emails. Since then, Dunkin' Donuts has become a signifier for "This thread has gone on long enough!")

If there's some angle on the under-water light saber issue the meticulous nerds here at G4 missed, please add it in our comments section below!

The Webmaster Hates Liars

Tue, 10 Mar 2009 09:56:00 -0700

Hello, gentle readers, welcome to another edition of The Webmaster Hates You, in which G4's Webmaster answers your questions... with a vengeance!

Today's entry comes via TheFeed's tip line, an easy-to-use avenue to provide us with exciting news tips. The thing is, we'd like your tips to be true, and if your tip isn't true, at least make it plausible.

Check out this email exchange between yours truly and "greg" a Feed reader: (we retained all grammatical errors and misspellings to retain the authenticiy of our valued readers)

Greg: ok, my name is greg and i have an uncle who works at sony. so a couple days ago was my birthday. imagine my surpise when he said "be careful with this, this is the new psp." the new psp has a sliding touchscreen, 4 shoulder buttons and 2 analog sticks. now this makes for grreat gaming.

Webmaster: Okay. I’ll bite. Send me a photo of this new PSP and I’ll post it.

Greg: i cnt take a pic because my camera isbroken

Webmaster: Haven't you been on the Web long enough to have heard the phrase "Pics or it didn't happen?" Besides, it says "Sent from gReG's iPod touch" right at the bottom of your email. So, you do have a camera. (UPDATE: According to our comment section, the iPod Touch doesn't have a camera. Number one: Wow, you guys are nerds. And two: Why the hell doesn't the iPod Touch have a camera?? I want answers, Steve Jobs. Call me immediately!)

Greg: would u pay to see a video/ pic of the new psp? i can use my friends camera. its realllly kool.

Webmaster: Sure! I'll totally pay. How much would you like me to send you?

...And I haven't heard back from him in days... So, readers, do you think Greg really has a new PSP? Or is he trying to trick me on the Internet??

Rules for Commenting: How To Avoid The Banhammer

Wed, 10 Dec 2008 10:01:00 -0800

You guys got a little out of control in the comments for X-Play's Best of 2008 winners and we think it's time to reinforce the rules of commenting on this website. We're going to be dropping the banhammer more often and here are some ground rules on how to avoid being banned:

No personal attacks. If you have an issue with someone's opinion, cool. That's what opinions are all about. This doesn't mean, however, that it's time to call them names or attack them. We encourage you to discuss your differences, but do so in a mature and respectful way. Stick to the issues.
No hate speech including racism and homophobia. Any racist or homophobic comments will be deleted and will result in an immediate ban. This includes calling things "gay" as a negative. And no, it doesn't matter if you say, "I'm not trying to be racist, but..." and then say something racist.

You can have your flame wars, but keep it about the products.

How You Can Help

When you see a comment that breaks these two simple-to-follow rules, use the "Flag this comment for review" button. This doesn't mean you should "Flag" comments that you don't agree with.

Someone saying, "The Wii is better than the Xbox 360", should not be flagged.

Someone saying, "You're an idiot for thinking the Wii is better than the Xbox 360", should be flagged. That's probably not volatile enough for a ban, but we'll take notice of comments like this and keep a record.

If you abuse the flag system, you will be warned. Don't abuse the system.

Please use this thread to ask questions about these rules and one of the writers will answer you.

G4tv.com User Comment Reacharound

Fri, 14 Nov 2008 14:45:00 -0800

You're awesome. Well, most of you are awesome. Well, lets just say that some of you have expressed your awesomeness in more awesome ways than others... specifically as blog comments.

So without any warning, pre-planning or official contest nonsense, we'd like to randomly reward a few of you with some bitchin' figurines from our friends at Spawn.com. The comments below amused us in some way, so the users will get either a Guitar Hero, Call of Duty or Halo 3 Multiplayer figure of our choosing. Think of it as a 'Webmaster Loves You'.

Last Friday we posted a 'LittleBigPlanet Developer's Favorite Levels' story and kangy3 told the world "screw lists that start with 1". Indeed.

This week's edition of Sessler's Soapbox was a hotbed of fanboy debate, as Adam took on the Gears 2 vs Resistance 2 nonsense going on over at Metacritic. Amongst the nearly 300 comments, RTR's shone brightly saying "I wish all the fanboys in the world had one ass so I could put my foot in it. Sigh. Wish I had a voice like Rorshach".

In Thursday's 'EA Making Own Wii Workout Game' post, Mouth_of_Sauron dropped this bit of witty wordplay on the internet: "Oh thank god. I can't weight to lose wait." Do you see what he did there?

And there were a lot of good comments on our 'Armless German Shoplifter Steals TV' story from late Monday. Of all of them, WalterWhite's comment of "That's nothing. Guess where they hid the remote" made us literally LOL (LLOL?).

Thanks to all of you for helping us make this website a better place to hang out... and as long as you keep making awesome comments, we promise to start doing this little user reacharound more often... at least until we run out of crap to steal from the stockpile under Pereira's desk. Apologies for any brilliant comments that we missed, there are clearly a lot more good ones, but the Webmaster wants to go home and play video games. We'll get you next time.

Love, Webmaster

The Webmaster Hates the Commercialization of Christmas

Wed, 12 Nov 2008 09:37:00 -0800

Hello gang, you've asked for the Webmaster to Hate on You more, so now you get two in one week. I hope you're proud of yourselves.

I get a lot of spam. More than you can probably imagine. Most of it is in foreign languages, presumably offering some lottery winnings and/ or the enlargement of The Webmaster's Penis.

Today I received this gem:

-----------------------

From: Marcus
Date: Tue, 11 Nov 2008 22:58:35 -0800
To: Webmaster
Subject: Jesus and Santa

We would like to share with you an image we've created that has the commercialized symbol of Christmas (Santa) bowing at the feet of our Lord.

www.JesusandSanta.com

If you appreciate or identify with this symbol, feel free to share with family and friends.

Best,
Marcus

-----------------------

I wonder if Marcus recognizes the irony of SELLING items related to his protest of the over-commercialization of Christmas. Now while the Webmaster might Hate You, he respects all beliefs... but you have to admit that nothing says "I respect my Lord and Savior" like a doggie t-shirt. Very classy.

The Webmaster Hates You Returns

Mon, 10 Nov 2008 13:50:00 -0800

Like a phoenix rising from the ashes and/ or a strong case of syphillis.... its back! The Webmaster Hates You returns!

Here's an actual exchange between yours truly and and well, one of you, apparently. As usual, all we've done is edit out the f-bombs. And re-ordered the emails so you can read them top to bottom. You're welcome.

------------------------

From: Amanda R
Date: Fri, 7 Nov 2008 09:42:11 -0800
To: webmaster@g4tv.com
Subject: you ....

you suck big ballz f**k you you bastard!!!!!

From: webmaster@G4tv.com
To: Amanda R
Sent: Friday, November 7, 2008 1:03:09 PM
Subject: Re: you ....

Mom?

From: Amanda R
Date: Mon, 10 Nov 2008 09:38:29 -0800
To: webmaster@G4tv.com
Subject: Re: you ....

excuse me im not you mom bastard.. im your worst nightmare!! hahaha

From: webmaster@G4tv.com
Date: Mon, 10 Nov 2008 09:54:27 -0800
To: Amanda R
Subject: Re: you ....

Oh. That sucks. I was really hoping it was Mom this time, that’s exactly how she used to talk to me when I was a baby... Before she ran off with that Cirque de Soleil nonsense. F'ing french clowns. Hate them.

Things The Internets Want To Know

Wed, 5 Nov 2008 15:44:00 -0800

We have access to all kinds of analytical material here at The Feed, which we use to figure out what you guys like and don't, and where you come from when you come to the site. One of the most interesting things we have access to is a list of searches that led you to our site. So, we're going to share some of the weirdest search terms with you in a new feature we like to call Things The Internets Want To Know.

First, we had a bunch of what we can only assume were parents searching for "Club Penguin," which led to our funny, but definitely not family friendly internet meme that showed...well...penguins getting clubbed. This amuses us greatly.

Also interesting (but not necessarily search related) was the fact that last month we received one single visitor from each of the following places; Turkmenistan, East Timor, Cook Island, Christmas Island, Micronesia, Burundi, and Antarctica. Thanks, Antarctica, but, seriously, West Timor, get on the stick, will ya?

But our favorite thing that the Internets Wanted to Know last week was...Can you have a female wizard?

Google's infinite wisdom sent that random searcher to our Diablo III Hands-on post from last month's Blizzcon. Since our Diablo piece couldn't possibly have given that new G4tv.com visitor what they were actually looking for, and because it was one of the more amusing things we've seen the internets search for in some time, we would be remiss if we didn't take some time and answer that question:

The short answer is "yes," but the long one is much more complicated. Due to the Wizarding Equal Rights Scroll of 1411, the Wizarding Parliment, also known as the Kazaambinet, was forced to recognize the existence of female wizards, instead of calling them "witch," or the much less-used but no less derrogetory "spell curtains."

The most famous of all of these female wizards, Hermoine the Comely, was given her own wing of the Castle of High Wizardry in the late 17th Century, but was sealed and later reduced to ashes when it was found that Hermoine was not, in fact, a female, but a man named Haag who learned a spell that made him look like a woman. A comely one, at that.

So, there's your answer. Aren't you glad you searched?

The Webmaster Hates You: Everything is Wrong

Thu, 24 Apr 2008 13:54:00 -0700

Like a phoenix rising from the ashes... the Webmaster Hates You is back. w00t.

From: Robert H. [mailto:robert.XXXX@XXX.net]
Sent: Saturday, April 19, 2008 2:43 PM
To: Webmaster G4
Subject:

wtf is wrong

Dear Robert,

It's hard to say, as there are *so* many things wrong with the world. Off the top of my head:

The economy
The inevitability of death
Dependence on foreign oil
The fact that the Boston Celtics are really that good
The death of quality rock and roll music
The fact that people keep letting M Night Shyamalan make movie
The war

Remaking EVERY TV franchise ever into a crappy movie
We’ve all lost our spark
My Chemical Romance
emo haircuts
The death of the power trio
Hot Topic
The septic bite of the Komodo Dragon
Carl’s Jr. has a burger called the “Six Dollar Burger,” but it doesn’t cost six dollars, and it doesn’t taste like it costs six dollars

Regardless of all of these things, the state of my mustache is still STRONG. So there is hope.

As always, send your love notes, missives and poorly spelled hate mail to webmaster@g4tv.com.

Love,
Webmaster

Automated Webmaster Response System

Mon, 14 Apr 2008 19:59:00 -0700

After a long hiatus... Webmaster Hates You is back! Its like herpes, but with less frequent outbreaks.

In this edition, your Webmaster opts to respond as if he is an automated system and something resembling comedy ensues. This thread is posted in reverse order so you can read it from the top down. Enjoy.

From: B & D
Sent: Saturday, April 12, 2008 2:33 PM
To: Webmaster

You suck
_____________________________

From: Webmaster
Sent: Monday, April 14, 2008 9:56 AM
To: 'BARRY'

DOES NOT COMPUTE. PLEASE REPHRASE YOUR QUESTION.
________________________________

From: BARRY
Sent: Monday, April 14, 2008 11:28 AM
To: Webmaster G4

This message has our contact info, but was obviously generated as spam from somebody's address book. Sorry for the inconvenience.

Barry
________________________________

From: Webmaster
Sent: Monday, April 14, 2008 5:56 PM
To: 'BARRY'

APOLOGY ACKNOWLEDGED. WE COOL. BLEEP.
________________________________

The Webmaster LOVES your emails, so keep sending them. He also loves referring to himself in the third person, hates people who whistle loudly in public and has the most impressive mustache you've ever seen. These things are important for any internet website professional.

Love,

Webmaster

Webmaster Hates You

Wed, 29 Aug 2007 14:01:00 -0700

The Webmaster Hates You is a semi-regular TheFeed feature in which we answer your email. Doesn't that sound like fun?

From: Robert XXX [mailto:robertXXXX@yahoo.com]
Posted At: Tuesday, August 28, 2007 8:39 PM
Posted To: Webmaster G4
Subject: Order of Tv

Hello This is Mr Robert I will like to know if you do have Plasma TV in stock for sale?I will like to know the prices and the method of payment you do acept.

And also I will like to have your contact number for more informations.

Thank you hope to hear from you.

Best Regards ROBERT....

From: Webmaster G4
Posted At: Tuesday, August 28, 2007 8:39 PM
Posted To: Robert XXX [mailto:robertXXXX@yahoo.com]
Subject: Order of Tv

Mr. Roberts, we have determined that it is mathematically impossible that a person as dumb as you could be alive.

At last count there were over 17,852 retailers on the internet offering plasma televisions, and only one cable network devoted to videogames and popular culture, yet, somehow, you eschewed the obvious choices for purchasing a plasma television and instead decided to bother me. This is strike one against you.

Strike two: not only have you addressed your query to the wrong person, you also seem unable to understand the basics of how to exchange money for good and services. Even if I did want to sell you a plasma TV, do you really think I want to list out my plasma TV wares for you, individually, in an email? Don't you think that a reputable plasma TV business would have already collected and organizes price lists and payment methods and be eager to display it to any interested customers? Say in the form of a catalog or a web page that offers televisions for sale? That's how the game is traditionally played, Mr. Robert.

Strike three: You already have my "contact number for more informations;" you wrote me an email, remember? That's the only way you will ever contact me.

I hope you never get your plasma television.

Anonymous Posters

Mon, 13 Aug 2007 16:42:00 -0700

A note to regular (and new) Feed Readers,

Due to overwhelming demand and the infallible stupidity of anonymous internet users, we've temporarily turned off the ability to post as a non-registered guest. We wanted to make this place a more open and public forum for important discussions such as "PS3 IZ TEH BOM" and/ or "I HART XBOX YAY!", but clearly we underestimated the power that anonymity wields over some of readers of this fine internet weblog.

That said, we're working on a comment ratings system that will allow you to give comments a thumbs up or down, and will automatically collapse any comments deemed lame by the majority. Should prove interesting.

If you've been posting anonymously we encourage you to register. Its totally free and mostly painless.

We sincerely appreciate the time you take to help make this blog better via your witty comments and intelligent observations, so keep up the good work and have a nice day.

Love,

TheFeed

A Note To TheFeed Readers

Tue, 31 Jul 2007 15:46:00 -0700

First off, we’d like to thank all our commenters for their contribution to the site. You guys rock. But (and we have a big but) we’ve been noticing a lack of civility on TheFeed’s message boards lately.

Put simply, some people are being all jerky.

Rampant jerkiness makes TheFeed a less-fun place for everyone.

While we value an open forum for our readers, this new undercurrent of jerkiness is forcing us to put our foot down a bit and establish some rules.

1) The most important rule of TheFeed: Don’t be a jerk. Please take a moment to monitor your words before you push that “post” button. Ask yourself: “Am I being jerky here?” If the answer is “yes” or even “kinda,” don’t post it. Do something else instead. Go ride your bike or something. We encourage strong opinions, attempts at comedy (even if they’re not funny) and physical descriptions of your girlfriend, so there’s no need to feel stifled. You just shouldn’t be a jerk.

2) If you really, honestly need “jerky” defined for you, here’s as close as we can come: Racist and profane statements will be deleted/edited at our discretion. Personal attacks on other users aren’t cool and will be deleted.

3) Try to have some kind of point for your posts. Instead of: “OMG! (INSERT GAME SYSTEM) Sucks!” Try: “I find the lack of graphical power in the (INSERT GAME SYSTEM) makes most next-gen titles look too muddy and jaggity. I prefer (OTHER GAME SYSTEM).

4) If you break these rules, we will warn you once. Then we will ban you. We don’t want to ban you. We like you. But we will ban you, rest assured. Ultimately, who can post on TheFeed is up to us. We’re fair people, but there is no appeal process to banning. When you’re out, you’re out.

5) Remember, we’re all gamers, whether we play a PlayStation 3, a 360, a Wii or a Colecovision. Everyone just wants to have fun playing videogames. Don’t take any of it too serious and, if you can’t manage respect, at least have a little common courtesy for your fellow gamer.

Now here's a cat who looks like Hitler.

Webmaster Hates You

Mon, 30 Apr 2007 14:09:00 -0700

The Webmaster Hates You is a semi-regular TheFeed feature in which we answer your email. Doesn't that sound like fun?

From: Tim B*******
Sent: Monday, April 30 , 2007 1:12 PM
To: webmaster
Subject: question...

i heard about like the free deals for like ps3s and other consules is it true? how do i get one?

From: Webmaster
Sent: Monday, April 30 , 2007 1:12 PM
To: Tim B*******
Subject: question...

Dear Tim, there are websites on the internet that will pay top dollar for questionable photographs of your sister. This money can be exchanged for goods and services, including a PS3.

Also, I'm sorry you've been failed by the public education system in the United States.

Webmaster Hates You: Hot Coffee

Wed, 14 Mar 2007 14:55:00 -0700

The Webmaster Hates You is a semi-regular TheFeed feature in which we answer your email. Doesn't that sound like fun?

From: ***************
Sent: Wednesday, March 14, 2007 1:12 PM
To: webmaster
Subject: please

Can u please tell me the hot coffee code

From: Webmaster
Sent: Wednesday, March 14, 2007 2:59 PM
To: ***************
Subject: please

You nasty little thing. You think I don't know what you're going to do with that hot coffee code? Why, I can only imagine you there in your parents' basement with the TV tray set up next to your chair, family-sized bottle of lotion at the ready. Maybe some baby wipes. You know that there's no redeeming social quality to the hot coffee code, don't you? You won't learn anything, you little perv. It's prurient, and nothing more. As a matter of fact, I should report you to the videogame authorities for even requesting it...

Are they gone? Good. I only have about 30 seconds...It's up-up-down-right-up-left...

...and that's why your weak moral fiber will be damaged forever. Don't write me again on this topic. Especially not on my home email address. Especially not after the hour of 7PM PT, because that's when they go home for the evening.

Sincerely repulsed,

The Webmaster

Webmaster Hates You: Cool Cycle Tricks!

Mon, 27 Nov 2006 15:45:00 -0800

The Webmaster Hates You is a semi-regular TheFeed feature in which we answer your viewer mail. Doesn't that sound like fun?

From: ************
Sent: Monday, November 27, 2006 11:06 AM
To: webmaster
Cc: webmaster
Subject: i want to know

hello

i want to know tips that how can i drive motorbike on one wheel or other many thinks to do on motor bike which r not common and please help me in this topic

From: Webmaster
Sent: Monday, November 27, 2006 11:06 AM
To: ************
Subject: i want to know

Oh, you have no idea what you can do with this motorbike. First off, you think driving on one wheel is fun? How about driving on no wheels? Yep. You can do that, and that, my friend, is not common. Also, the tailpipes excrete a viscous fluid which is of alien origin. This fluid causes anyone who touches it to become instantly a crustacian. Not common at all.

Your need for help in this topic is palpable. But, guess what? Motorbike can talk! Just ask it for things you want to know, and it will tell you what you need to know. IN EIGHT LANGUAGES! NOT COMMON!

Also, it's pretty fast, and chicks will dig you for riding it, but that's pretty common. But you know what isn't common? The winged demon that occasionally emerges from the headlight and guides motorbike to the underworld.

Not common at all.

The Webmaster.

Webmaster Hates You: Too Late for PS3?

Tue, 17 Oct 2006 15:29:00 -0700

From: sean_rios@**********.net
Sent: Sunday, October 15, 2006 4:09 PM
To: webmaster
Subject: PS3

Will there still be a chance for to get PS3!!!

From: Webmaster
Sent: Tuesday, October 17, 2006 3:39 PM
To:sean_rios@*******.net
Subject: PS3

Sadly, no. They only made 12 of them. That's what all this hype has been about, and why it's been such an important piece of hardware to get your hands on. It's also why it's been so expensive. You see, at a total production run of 12, Sony needs to charge at least $600 to make their money back on research and development.

But Sony is also vindictive, and has thrown away the molds and all the information on the PS3, intending, instead, to work on the PS4, which should be out in 2010. I don't know much about the PS4 yet, but from what we can piece together, it should weigh about 14oz., but with the staying power of a military supercomputer. It will play movies from ideas that you conceive in your mind, and can freeze time. All of the PS4 games will be in "5-D", which means they'll not only be on an X,Y,and Z axis, like a hologram, but the controller will spit actual blood at you, no matter what game you're playing, and can be unlocked to bend space and time.

Total cost is supposed to be in the neighborhood of about $15,000, but they're only making one.

If I were you, I'd get in line now.

Best Auto-Reply. Ever.

Mon, 18 Sep 2006 18:39:00 -0700

As the Webmaster here at G4tv.com, I get a lot of email. Most of it is spam, and therefore focuses on my genitalia and the various salves, creams and pills I might purchase to make it bigger, last longer and so on.

There are also a lot of stupid questions, many of which are featured here on TheFeed in our regular 'Webmaster Hates You' column. These usually center on "I need a cheat for this GBA game" and "Where's Leo Laporte?". Love those.

Then there are the auto-replies to emails spat out by our G4tv.com Supercomputers - new registrations, lost passwords, etc. Most of these are bounce-backs by spam filters: "so and so can't read your email until you click on this link...or Out-of-Office Assistants: I'm on vacation i'll be back next week... Whatever. Boring. Shift-Delete as quickly as possible.

Then there's this guy. His brilliance speaks for itself.

No matter which side of the God fence you sit on, this is quite possibly the most awesomest auto-reply ever:

----------------------------------------------------
From: Auto-reply from XXX@alltel.net
Sent: Monday, September 18, 2006 3:39 PM
To: webmaster
Subject: Re: Your G4tv.com Registration Confirmation

I HEAR AND SO DOES GOD

----------------------------------------------------

The Webmaster Hates You

Wed, 16 Aug 2006 11:07:00 -0700

The Webmaster Hates You is a semi-regular TheFeed feature in which we answer your viewer mail. Doesn't that sound like fun?

From: thomas XXXXX [mailto:thomas_XXXXX@yahoo.com]
Sent: Thursday, August 03, 2006 10:58 AM
To: webmaster
Subject: Re: Your G4tv.com Registration Confirmation

i would like to talk to adem and morgan

From: The Webmaster
Sent: Wednesday, August 16, 2006 11:07 AM
To: thomas XXXXX
Subject: Re: Your G4tv.com Registration Confirmation

Sure thing, man.

Presenting The Adam Sessler Conversation Simulator 5000!