Robot Uprising

Meet The Robot Fly


Posted July 19, 2007 - By Stephen Johnson

We're all familliar with different robot archetypes.

  • The RoboSoldiers who destroyed earth's military.
  • The Enslavenators, who cruelly mete out discipline to the human slaves in the outer space diamond mines.
  • And the dreaded Mind-Flayers, who invade our thoughts with their steel, mental talons and convince us the robot invasion never happened, and we're not mining diamonds in outer space.

But get ready for the fly. Developed by Harvard and DARPA (traitors, both), this tiny, unspeakably evil fellow weighs 60-milligrams, sports a three-centimeter wingspan, and has been modeled on the movement of a real fly.

How, exactly, this tiny fly will be used to enslave humans remains to be seen, but our speculation is, the mechanical fly will annoy us on the beach.

Plus, I heard it's un-swatable.

Engadet: Harvard University's robotic fly takes flight

Humanity's twin enemies of elephants and robots are forming an unholy alliance...and they want our arms!

Pictured above is ISELLA, designed by Germany's Fraunhofer-Gesellschaft Institute. The arm was based on an elephant's trunk, and its designers say the unit will help amputees. It has ten DOHELIX muscles, enough to mimic the flexibility of the human arm, but the team expects even better results when the system is ready to ship in two years. That's what they say.

In reality, our robot overlords are planning on replacing our arms with robot arms so we can mine diamonds even faster. They can not be stopped, people. They have no remorse.

Engadet.com: Elephant trunks inspire ISELLA robotic arm

In another sign of the coming apocalypse, Transformers made $30 million dollars on its first day of domestic release.

Oh wait, add in another $8.8 million from previews the night before the movie "officially" opened and you have a total first day gross of almost $40 million dollars.

Meanwhile, back on failure ranch, Pixar's Ratatouille made a paltry $7.9 million on its first day, while the Mandy Moore/Robin Williams abortion License to Wed made only $2 million.

At this rate, Transformers is looking to sky rocket its way to one of the highest grossing movies of all time. Maybe, in the now-guaranteed-sequel, the robots won't even bother turning into cars or planes, they'll just turn into vacuums that suck the money right out of your pockets.

Dark Horizons: 'Transformers' Nabs $30M First Day

Statues in parks are traditionally reserved for heroic, victorious leaders who have returned in glory after crushing their enemies.

So it makes sense that, in the last days of the Robot Wars, our victorious mechanical overlords would force their human slaves to build a monument to their terrible, terrible victory.

It's a 54-foot statue of famous robot general Gigantor to be erected in Kobe, Japan. The statue (and the last pockets of humanity) should be finished in spring.

Engadget: Massive Gigantor statue coming to Japan

As you know, TheFeed's coverage of the Robot Uprising has earned us several imaginary Pulitzer Prizes. We're usually pretty anti-robot, since we're humans and don't particularly want to be enslaved in outer space diamond mines, but today's robot news brought a smile to our lips.

This weekend, the Robo-one Soccer Cup was held in Tokyo. Fifty robots took time out of their busy schedules of bending humanity to their will to play a soccer tournament. The delightfully athletic robots are only three-feet tall and kicked a miniature soccer ball in teams of three.

Just imagine all those adorable little robot fellas, out in the sunshine, running around and kicking a lil' ol' ball around while Japanese people cheer and cheer! Robot soccer players, you have captured my heart.

Well, time to get back to diamond mine! Thanks, robots!

Reuters: Robot vs robot at Japan soccer championship


The Robots Now Have TASERs


Posted June 28, 2007 - By mbretz

While we don’t wish to incite panic, TheFeed must, as part of our role as self-proclaimed Official Watchdog of the underhanded robotics industry, dutifully report that word hit the wires on Thursday of two companies teaming up to BUILD AN ARMY OF TASER-EQUIPPED ROBOTS!!!

iRobot Corp. and TASER International, Inc. have decided that it would be a swell idea to equip the PackBot Explorers that iRobot manufactures for the military with the TASER X26 electronic control device, which can penetrate 2 inches of clothing at distances of up to 35 feet. The bots would be sold to the military and law enforcement agencies for use as a “defensive, non-lethal tool.”

Read More »

As you know, TheFeed is the world's only reliable source of news of the robot uprising currently taking place across the globe.

All other press outlets have fallen to our mechanical enemies and are feeding you soothing propaganda that robots were invented by humans and exists to serve us. Poppycock!

Today's dispatches from the front:

Evil cyborg scientists at the University of Akron and Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute have invented nano-tube tape that mimics the feet of Geckos. According to the researchers, "ultimately, it would be nice to have a material that sticks with little or no pressure, particularly for use with wall-climbing robots." Yeah, it would be really nice to have robots climbing wall. They'll climb right into our dreams!

Technology Reviews: Climbing Walls with Carbon Nanotubes

Leonel Moura, robotic apologist and traitor, has created a structure which is home to 45 robots! Although the robot-controlled media is calling the thing a robot zoo that was created in the name of art, we know better. Moura has designed a robot creche in which newborns are raised and trained so that they might eventually imprison us in their outer space diamond mines.

Engadget: Robotarium X zoo: don't feed the autonomous robots

The worst robot development news is below.

Read More »

United States Congressmen Mike Doyle and Zach Wamp are working for the enemy. The pair of congressional traitors have called for the first robot caucus to convene in Washington.

They say  the meeting is raise governmental awareness, work on robot policy and generally educate our leaders on robotics to ensure "that our nation remains globally competitive," but TheFeed is fairly certain the two are helping the robots take over and enslave the human population through disinformation and CIA-sponsored, laser-guided mind-control.

Yeah, we said it, mind-control. No robots are going to enslave us and force us to toil endlessly in their infernal diamond mines! We're going to resist. We're going to foment a human uprising an---BZZZZZZZ.

We mean we welcome our robotic overlords, and live only to provide glorious Leader Unit X443 (pictured) with the shiny, shiny diamonds he desires.

Engadget: Congress calls for robot caucus

In the latest salvo in the simmering human-robot war, Japan's Mitsubishi Heavy Industries Ltd. Said on Thursday that it is renting  "wakamaru" robots to work at the front desk of offices, hospitals and businesses.

The bright yellow three-foot tall rental-robot recognizes 10,000 words and can move about while avoiding obstacles. It is no doubt more friendly and competent than your average receptionist, allowing the robots to gain our trust. Then, when we least expect it, lose our phone messages.

Sure, a few lost phone messages might not seem like a big deal, but what about when the message says, "Beware of the robots! They want to enslave you in their diamond mines!"?? What then?

cooltech.iafrica.com: Robot receptionists for hire

If you are fitted with robotic fingers, they will turn against you and you will murder your mom: That's just a fact. So we're thankful that the above-pictured finger-replacements are non-robotic.

To operate the cool-looking faux-digits, users work a lever with the remaining portion of their fingers and that provides enough gripping power to hold a coffee cup or swing a golf club.

Inventor Dan Didrick is churning out 100 fingers every 45 days. That's enough for 25 hands!

Engadget: Non-robotic "X-Finger" replaces lost digits

Sometimes, fate is just not in your corner. Such is the sad tale of a Danish landscaper who was mowed down by a robotic lawnmower.

The man was out doing some tending of grass when the Dvorak Spider lawnmower robot tumbled off the top of a hill on to him. He was smashed, marking the first death in what is surely the start of the revolution.

TheFeed would just like to let it be known that we welcome our new robot lawnmower overlords and look forward to doing their bidding in the very near future.

All hail king ROOMBA!

Engadget: Robot Lawnmower Kills Danish Man


TheFeed has been warning humanity of the imminent takeover of humanity by robotic forces since the early 1970s.

The latest salvo in the war: A Korean robot, Rogun, that recognizes faces, can walk on its own and "perform various functions suitable for a security guard or nanny" such as patrolling your home and calling your cellphone if it recognizes any suspicious behavior.

Insidiously, Rogun is only one meter tall, and looks positively loveable. It comes with a camera you can train on your little ones in order to watch them play and whatnot.

The company behind the product, Korean start-up KornTech, has not commented on whether images of your family and your house's floorplan will be beamed to the massive databases on the robot-controlled satellite currently orbiting the earth, pored over by Leader Unit X443 (pictured) and used to assist in the forceable relocation of all humans to the robots' diamond mines, but we're guessing yes.

The RoGun costs, get this, $100,000, although the company would like the price to get down to a reasonable $5,000.

Engadget: KornTech's Rogun robot recognizes faces and intruders

 Mondo Spider, a giant, rideable spider robot project, started as a Burning Man art thing, but, like all robot experimentation, will end with the enslavement of the human race.

In a few years, when you're toiling in the robot overlord's diamond mines, don't say we didn't warn you. This is how you'll get the work.

In the meantime, "enjoy" this terrifying video.

Evil scientists at the University of Abertay in Scotland are setting up a four-year study of 60 miniature robots in a "village" , paving the way for the robots' eventual sentience and enslavement of humanity.

The robots will be split into groups and programmed to observe and imitate one another performing different tasks. Since the imitations will differ each time, the scientists hope to be able to develop a robot "culture" to understand how culture emerges in natural and artificial societies.

As always, TheFeed welcomes our robot overlords, and reminds Leader Unit X334 (pictured, right) that we are an important resource for disseminating information to carbon-based lifeforms. We humbly request that we not be transfered to the diamond mines for re-education.

Engadget: UK scientists building robot village -- can we come?

Our robotic overlords are not content to force us to slave endlessly in their diamond mines. They also need to pwn us at Wii Sports.

Check out this video of a lego robot rolling a perfect game in Wii Bowling. The ignomy!


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