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Just when you think young people are poised to take over the world with their "computers" and "tennis shoes," old people come out of nowhere like ninjas and remind?the youngins?that they are older than us, wiser than us, and can?kill us with their bare hands.

An as-of-yet unnamed, 70-year-old American Hero (let's call him Lee Marvin?v2.0)?was on leave from a cruise in Costa Rica when his bus, filled with elderly tourists, was attacked by three muggers. The ex-military man, put?the armed?mugger in an ultimate sleeper hold, breaking his clavicle and killing him.

While Lee Marvin v2.0 was taking care of the armed mugger, the rest of the elderly people on the bus, started to fight with the other two muggers. When the other assailants?saw their friend suffer a life-ending injury and that old people were freakin' pouring out of a bus to totally pwn them, they split.

Then, the old people did a little dance around the dead mugger's body chanting USA! USA!, chugging 40s of Ensure, and giving small children pennies on Halloween.

Jesus Christ, if nothing else this year makes you proud to be American, this should be enough patriotism to keep you going through at least '08. It's stuff like this that reminds you why American used to be AMAZING and conquer secret Nazi Chateaus and crap, but now deliver the world American Idol.

Congratulations you old fu*#ers! You really are the Greatest Generation Evar!

Yahoo! News: U.S. Tourist in Costa Rica Kills Mugger

The Emo Danger!

sjohnson
33 Comments

Posted February 27, 2007 - By Stephen Johnson

As a public service announcement, TheFeed presents this in-depth analysis of the dangers of Emo.

?Run and hide! He's feeling at me!

A 107 year-old man in Hong Kong attributes his longevity to avoiding sex. The ancient man says he hasn't gotten any since he was 30. That was back in 1930.

"I don't know why I have lived this long," Chan Chi?said to?South China Morning Post? "Maybe it has to do with the fact that I have lived a sex-less life for many years."

I attribuute Mr. Chi's longevity to pure chance, after all, someone has to be a statistical anonomly, but what if what it's true?? Is it worth it? If you could live to be 100-some years old, but you could never have sex of any kind, would you do it?

Personally,?TheFeed would bargain. We'd try to determine how much time each sexual encounter was worth and proceed accordingly. So when Jessica Biel knocks on our door, we'd shave a couple years off our lives, but your mom is safe.

Yahoo!: Man aged 107 forsakes sex for longevity: paper

If you're a man, and you're planning on hanging out in Buffalo, NY (how ?bout those Sabres? I hear it's their year), you might want to avoid drinking in the Chippewa Street area and you'd be advised to keep your eyes peeled, lest you become another victim of the city's notorious "Hugging Bandit."

Buffalo police say that several men have fallen victim to the 200-plus-pound woman, who approaches especially drunk men as they're leaving the bars and propositions them for sex, then wraps them in a monstrous, "Superstar" Billy Graham-style bear hug and steals their wallets.

According to the police, the woman usually strikes between the hours of 2 and 4 a.m. and uses any credit cards she swipes within hours of stealing them.

TheFeed considers this Exhibit A in the case against Fat Girls Need Lovin', Too.

Buffalonians (???), you have been warned.

Buffalo News: Police say 'Hugging Bandit' targets Chippewa revelers

Our time on Earth is just about up, humans. Please return your rental shoes to the counter and settle up your final bill. You see, chimpanzees are evolving. Rapidly. How can you tell? Well, they're now using spears to hunt, which means they will soon be developing a moral center, and then will inexorably decide they're better than we are, and hunt us down dead.

We will not survive, even with our guns, as we are, as a species, too fat and lazy to keep up with monkeys. And then we start all over again. I, for one, welcome our new overlords, and pledge myself to keep them in bananas for as long as they can handle it.

BBC News: Chimpanzees 'hunt using spears'

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Dear The Internets, we regret to inform you that?viral video, as a subversive artform, is official dead.? After a long illness it lost its struggle for life yesterday with the announcement that Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy are launching viral marketing campaigns in the hope of winning Daytime Emmy awards.

The ads, placed on sites built?for Hollywood dips (Variety, The Hollywood Reporter), show a youtube like image with the logo "A perfect pair," and lead to classic?clips from Jeopardy and Wheel.?

Executive producer Harry Friedman and Sony marketing chief Bob Oswaks. "We wanted to cut through the (Emmy) clutter," Friedman said, adding that simple 'for your consideration' ads don't work as well "when you have two shows people think they know so well."

Variety: Viral video spreads to Emmys race

Thai Kids Want To Get It On

mdalonzo
3 Comments

Posted February 14, 2007 - By Mike D'Alonzo

Kids in Thailand just want to get it on on Valentine's Day, according to a survey.?Reportedly, one-third of the girls they talked to thought February 14th was a perfect time to give up their virginity. Of course, this pissed off the cops, who immediately enforced a curfew. You see, the Thai government hates sex.

Well, that's not necessarily true. They hate girls having sex. They don't seem to have a problem with tranny sex and young boys, or shows involving some of the most depraved sexual activity of all time, but girls having romantic sex...that's taboo, and it involves the cops.

Thanks, Thailand!

Yahoo! News: Thai teens keen for Valentine's Day sex

'Osama Team Hunger Force'

sjohnson
11 Comments

Posted February 12, 2007 - By Stephen Johnson

Oh, Aqua-Gate, I can't get enough of your outrageousness.

Enjoy the following humorous look at what some people in Boston imagined was behind the appearance of Lite-Brite approximations of Ignignokt and Err on their fair streets.

Friday Morning Pizza

gentle
9 Comments

Posted February 9, 2007 - By juster

Strangely enough, this did actually make me want pizza.? I don't know what that says about me.

?

Okay, TheFeed reader, this post is going to ask you to do a little a work to discover the sexual(?) content in a trailer for Ar Tonelico, a soon-to-be-released role-playing game. We promise you it'll be worth it.

Here's a step-by-step guide on?how to get to the greatest thing on the internet right now:

  • Click here
  • Click "Download"
  • Click "System"
  • Watch the video of this standard-seeming psychological RPG until about... half way in.
  • Laugh at the comedy!

BAH HA HA!!!

A?quick word of advice?to the?would-be thugs up in the place: While those big pants might make you look intimidating to squares, make sure your pants aren't?too big.?

Sadly, this advice comes too late to help a 16-year-old youth from Covington, LA, whose flight from the law ended when his pants got the best of him.?

The unnamed youth was being sought by authorities?for the?beating and robbery of a 35-year-old man and the carjacking and beating with a brick of another man, police said. After officers spotted him, he took off running, but his pants tripped him up, allowing the Jakes to gaffle him up and drag him to the jug.

I would like to add the charge of "aggravated stupid fashion" sense to his list of abuses.

TheAdvocate.com: Low pants trips up fleeing Covington teen

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Nerdcore Dudes Show All

sjohnson
13 Comments

Posted January 22, 2007 - By Stephen Johnson

Our favorite gaming blog Destructoid.com?invited?their readers to send in photos of themselves?and their game gear. But, see, they wanted?naked gamer dudes, with joysticks covering their...um...parts. I'm not sure why, exactly, but they did.

In response, TheFeed documented the female reaction to the nerdy beefcake. Click below to see what happened.

Read More »

Hey, Michael Vick: TheFeed knows that you're feeling down and all after your incident in Miami last week. So, to help you get over it and back to the very serious business of coach-killing, we're going to pass along this story of an even more bone-headed air travel stunt pulled by an Australian ass-clown at Melbourne's airport.

Reports say that Allen Jasson is shocked and chagrined and considering taking legal action against Qantas airlines because the airline would not allow him to board a flight from Melbourne to London while wearing his hip, stylish "George W. Bush # 1 Terrorist" T-shirt.

Even better: the likely descendant of criminals had already been denied the right to board a domestic flight days earlier for wearing the very same shirt.

Read More »

Amsterdam to Honor Hookers

gentle
12 Comments

Posted January 16, 2007 - By juster

For Those About to Get Paid to Hump....? We Salute You.

Amsterdam's famed Red Light District will be receiving a bronze statue dedicated?to prostitutes around the world.

The statue represents a self-assured woman, her hands on her hips, looking sideways towards the sky, and standing on a doorstep, according to the Dutch Agency ANP.

Looking up?? Do they get a lot of johns parachuting in?? That would be awesome.

Breitbart.com:?Amsterdam to get statue to world's prostitutes

Happy Monday!

sjohnson
1 Comment

Posted January 8, 2007 - By Stephen Johnson

What happens when a spoiled rich girl gets the wrong colored car for her 16th birthday?? This video.? I think it may be fake, but if it's real...I'm speechless.

Edit: FAKE!? But nice job.

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