Lowlife

I would have paid $20 to get out of pickleball, $30 to be excused from the giant parachute, and a big C-note to get out of running the mile.

MSNBC.com: Ex-gym teacher pleads guilty to taking bribes

(My mom forwarded this to me. Thanks, Mom!)

Now available for your child's birthday party or Bar Mitzvah. . .

?

CBS2.com: Alleged Foot Licker Charged With Lewd Conduct With Children

Troubled Babyshambles singer Pete Doherty recently shot his own blood out of a syringe at an MTV Germany crew after a concert in Berlin. Well, they think it was his blood. Babyshambles drummer Adam Ficek and guitarist Drew McConnell were conducting an interview that he was supposed to be but flaked. Then he showed up midway through armed with a syringe he claimed was filled with his blood, which he proceed to shoot out at the soon disgusted film crew. "I'm really sorry about this," a shocked McConnell replied, apologizing to the crew as Doherty left the room.

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Pink Taco?

I don't get it.

AP: Pink Taco Restaurant Name Causes Stir

Idiotic hip hop DJ Star of The Star & Bucwild Morning Show has been jailed after making racist and pedophilic comments on the radio about Hot 97 rival disc jockey DJ Envy, his wife and 4-year old daughter. Additionally, the DJ was fired from Clear Channel and is being investigated by the New York Police Department's Hate Crime Task Force. Star, born Troi Torain, was arrested on charges of harassment and child endangerment, and was taken into custody at a police precinct in Lower Manhattan to face the misdemeanor charges.

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Some people in Long Island blame Google for all the child pornography on the Internet.

?

Nice try. If that's the case though, does this mean?we can also hold them accountable for all the terrible fan fiction and poetry?

Newsday: Google sued as source of porn

What is potentially the worst job ever -- guy who dresses up in ridiculous mascot suit on street corner to sell sandwiches -- just got worse.

Some poor bastard was toiling away on some random Pennsylvania street corner dressed up as a Quiznos cup, probably dancing merrily and enticing drivers-by to stop in for a toasty fresh one when he was accosted by a group of punks who beat and kicked him while taking pictures with their camera phones.

Sad.? Horribly funny, but sad.

The Pittsburgh Channel: http://www.thepittsburghchannel.com/news/9169253/detail.html

Today is No Pants Day!

Normally, I would say that something like No Pants Day is great. . .almost as good as something like Naked Time. . .almost. The problem with No Pants Day is that, when you think about it, how many people do you really want to see without pants on?

Whenever I go to the carnival, I always think: Jesus, I will pay these people to keep their pants on.

Happy No Pants Day, I guess.

Click here for No Pants

Still totally worth it to be Kevin Federline.

MSNBC.com: Britney hires a babysitter ? for her husband

Yeah, and you know what else? The sky is blue, the ocean is filled with salt and you're a geek.

Tell me something I don't know. Thanks.

Forbes: Teens Often Recant 'Virginity Pledges'

Don't get your big wheel out quite yet. I'm talking about Viagra, not Quick, but it's still a party. . .just in your pants.

A new study released today revealed that more and more young men are turning to erectile disfunction drugs to help boost their sexual performance. What makes this so compelling is that one, the guys are in their 20s and getting the drugs, not from doctors, but from friends and off the internet and two, they are mixing Viagra with other substances which impair their decision making abilities. Hmm. . .I wonder what those could be.

Welllllllllll, according to this article, it includes the sedative GHB, which, for those of you just tuning in, is Greek for date rape.

"One for me, fifteen for her!"

I think what they mean?is that guys are taking the GHB as a muscle relaxant along with the Viagra. . .not getting all Viagra'd up and then hosting an open bar for their lady friends. But who knows. . .

WebMD: Erection Problems May Affect Young Men

It's true and 62-year-old Claudia Lee has the $1,431 cable bill to prove it. She claims she never ordered any of the pay-per-view items on her bill which included porn and "gangster rap programming."

WHATEVER! This retired school teacher from upstate New York totally loves porn and gangsta rap! So does her 81-year-old mother who often comes over to visit her! Don't try to tell me any different! I'll never believe you! Claudia is a sick little fox and she should have to pay every penny!

. . .Or maybe I'm totally wrong and she didn't?watch any of it. *shurug* But, it's so much fun to think she actually ordered over a thousand dollars worth of porn.?

AP: Woman, 62, Fights $1,431 Cable Porn Bill

Nothing says mother-son bonding like trying to scam a multi-million dollar corporation out of a few hundred thousand dollars.

Cracker Barrel, the faux country feed bag emporium where you can order a heap of grits AND buy a rocking chair in the same breath, emerged victorious in their claim against a mother-son team who had planted a rat in a bowl of vegetable soup.

The restaurant chain was able to prove that the mouse was added to the soup post-mortem through a tiny mouse autopsy which revealed no soup in its little lungs and instead, a cracked skull.

The mom and son will have plenty of time to think about their massive oversight while they rot in jail for a year and each pay a $2,500 fine.

Crime doesn't pay, but taking the time to actually drown the mouse in vegetable soup before planting it might. Get excited kids, we finally have a plan to take down Cracker Barrel!

AP: Woman, Son Convicted in Mouse-In-Soup Scam

Former Libertines member and current Babyshambles frontman Pete Doherty has slammed British newspaper The Sun for publishing "ridiculously offensive story" and pictures that show him injecting an unconscious female fan with drugs in his flat. Doherty wrote on his website that the story was "upsetting" and "personally catastrophic," and accused the paper of staging the shot. Yes, clearly Doherty would only shoot up a fully awake fan. Girlfriend Kate Moss can attest to that!

Hindustantimes.com: Pete Doherty at loggerheads with tabloid

Dude, this is a bad weekend to be a dog.

Daily Mail: Gang tried to explode dead dog with firework