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Chuck Norris is not planning on running for president, but that doesn't stop him from thinking about what his platform would be if he did.

A staunch conservative, Norris apparently has a column that he writes for World Net Daily. This week's diatribe was a list of campaign promises he would make (and keep with the help of his fists) if he ran for President of the United States.

Here are just a few of the gems:

  • Resurrect Bruce Lee and appoint him head of homeland security (OK, the CIA and FBI too).
  • Increase jobs in America by sending ninja teams to sabotage and steal them back from other countries.
  • Tattoo an American flag with the words, "In God we trust," on the forehead of every atheist.
  • Create new immigration legislation: to deport all liberals (then force them to listen to Bill O' Reilly every day for five years, at which point they may return).
  • Ask producer Mark Barnett to film "Survivor – Camp David," where world leaders will meet annually, for an all-out cage-fighting championship. The winner will take home $1,000,000 in Disney Dollars, good in Europe or America.
  • Expose the real WMDs – my fists and feet.

What?

Click here to read the rest of them.

Daryl Hannah has become quite the little crusader over the past few years. First, she climbed that tree in LA to try and protect an urban garden and now, she's traveled south to Ecuador to try and bring attention to billions of gallons of oil that has spilled into the fresh water supply.

This oil water isn't located in SCREW AROUND TOWN and Daryl is there to bring down the HAMMER. Check the intensity in her eyes, the tightness of her mouth, the scowl of her brow...this mermaid is seriously f*#king pi*%ed off about the oil in this lake and she and her cordoroy jacket are not going to rest until you and the company that dumped it there know that she is SUPER MAD about this injustice. She's been up all night pacing and printing pamphlets and she's ready to take her giant hands and rip you a new one!

What the picture doesn't show is that she's actually lighting ants on fire with invisible lasers shooting out her eyes.  You got Tom Hanks to join you in your underwater world of light and magic and open-mouth kissing, surely you can defeat the oil company!

Go Daryl! GO!

SF Gate: A Crude High Five

You might be a little, just a little, miffed if you went on a radio show to promote your made-for-tv movie and Johnny Knoxville tricked you into putting your trouser snake into a mousetrap.

That's how Perry Caravello feels. He's suing Knoxville for over $10 million dollars after the Jackass wiz kid some how convinced him to crush his wizzer. The article isn't exactly clear on the chain of events that led up to the crushing, but I believe the mousetrap went off by accident.

You know, there's a lot of time between when someone brings out a mousetrap and you agree to subject your special area to even being near it. You have to first, see the mousetrap, second, take down your pants, third, take off your underware...basically, there are so many chances for you to change your mind.

Sorry, Perry. You put your Police Baton in the middle of the highway, it's bound to get run over.

CBS 2 News: Johnny Knoxville Sued For Penis-Mousetrap Incident

This story is just flat out bizzare. Fox News (hur) is reporting that John Ramsey, father of famed slain beauty queen JonBenet Ramsey, and Beth Holloway Twitty, mother of slain teenager Natalee Holloway, are dating.

Apparently, the two met at a fundraiser awhile back and took a liking to each other and now, they're, like, a couple and stuff.

It was not made known whether the fundraiser was actually a singles mixer for people with dead kids? Or if it was for something completely different and they bumped into each other and said, "Hey, both of our kids are dead, let's date?" Or, "If only we dated each other, this could be like the Brady Bunch, only not because both of our kids are dead?"

Either way, good for them. Maybe they'll find a little bit of happiness after the tragedies that both of them have suffered.

Fox News: John Ramsey and Beth Holloway Twitty Are Dating

Science has finally proven what many of us have long intrinsically known – that late night funnyman David Letterman is more entertaining than also late night funnyman Jay Leno.

Researchers at Chicago’s Smell and Taste Treatment and Research Foundation conducted a study to determine the effect of television viewing on food consumption. The study found that distracted brains do not notice what the mouth is doing, according to the Foundation’s neurological director, Dr. Alan Hirsch. The findings would seem to indicate that the more entertaining a show is, the less the brain pays attention to the mouth.

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Tags: Celebrities, News, TV
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Celebrities all over the world who want to do drugs and drink while in rehab are crossing their fingers that a new "blurring" spray is invented sooner rather than later and later rather than never.

The reflective spray, made up of millions of tiny nanoparticles, would be applied to the face. When a flash bulb flashed, the particles would light up, effectively blurring out the face of the subject in the photograph and putting the paparazzi out of buisiness.

Something that reflective would probably make your face shinier than a strippers butt; however, we here at TheFeed believe in science. Make it so! Let those poor celebrities who are always having their pictures taken rest in peace.

Gizmodo: Blur Reflective Spray Makes You Unphotographable

Tags: Celebrities, Tech

TheFeed once lived in Mr. Roger's actual neighborhood in Pittsburgh. It's true, look at the map!

Everyone loved Mr. Rogers, but do you know what a rockin' dude he actually was? Mental_floss has put together a list of the top 15 things that made Fred so damn fine.

Did you know...

  • Koko, the super intelligent gorilla who could use sign language to communicate with humans, was a huge Mr. Rogers fan. When Mr. Rogers went to go visit Koko, she gave him a huge hug and took off his shoes, something he used to do at the beginning of each show.
  • When thieves stole Mr. Rogers's car from outside the WQED studios in Pittsburgh, the story was all over the media. The next day, the car was returned to the exact spot where it was originally parked with a note that said, "If we'd known it was yours, we never would have taken it."
  • He composed all the songs heard on the show...over 200 of them.
  • In 1969, a relatively unknown Mr. Rogers traveled to Washington D.C. to testify before congress regarding Public Television funding. After hearing his five minute talk, law makers who had originally wanted to cut the PBS budget, ended up giving them more money. He also convinced congress to let people tape TV shows to their home VCRs so that working parents could tape the show and watch it later with their children.
  • Every sweater he wore on the show was hand knitted by his mother. Every sweater.

There are a ton of other interesting facts in the article. Be sure to check it out.

Mental_Floss: 15 Reasons Mr. Rogers Was The Best Neighbor Ever

Tags: Celebrities, TV

You know, TheFeed likes Paris Hilton as much as the next blog (unless the next blog is Perez Hilton), but we think she should just serve her small sentence in jail and get it over with, if not just for the street cred. However, a woman in Kansas City wants to step in and serve Hilton's sentence for her.

Yep. Mary McClenden wants to go to jail to serve out the socialite's sentence. We're not exactly sure why, but Mary doesn't show a very good grasp of the American legal system by making the request to begin with. What would be the justice in the punishment if you could just serve a sentence for someone?

Dumz.

MyFox Kansas City: Kansas City Woman Wants To Serve Paris Hilton's Sentence

According to fan site Justnodoubt.net, Gwen Stefani’s ska-pop band (you know, the one that put her on the map?) has been recording demos for the next No Doubt album.

"No Doubt have recorded more than a dozen demos for the new album,” says a posting. “And Tony [Kanal] is currently on tour with Gwen to work on those demos, and write for the album.”

So there you go. Rich, successful people are working on a plan to get even richer and more successful. Makes you feel all warm and gushy inside, don’t it?

Dear Nicole,

Recently, we stumbled across a news story about the invitation to your Memorial Day BBQ. In it, you joked that people should "celebrate our country by drinking massive amounts of beer" and advised women that, "There will be a scale at the door. No girls over 100 pounds allowed in. Start starving yourself now."

You've caught a lot of flack for this invite in the media. No one seems to get your obvious and hilarious self-effacing jokes! It's really too bad that everyone has lost their sense of humor about alcoholism, DUIs and eating disorders. These things are so funny and should be celebrated! Good for you!

After reading this creative work of genius, I have a rare and dignified opportunity to offer you.

Read More »

Actress/humanitarian Angelina Jolie is planning to take a year off from starring in films to spend more time with beau Brad Pitt and their many, many children.

Nooooooooo! Say it isn’t so!!!!! Now who’s gonna star in those movies I never see?

"We're getting work out of the way at the moment," she said on the set of the thriller Wanted in Prague, Czech Republic.

"[After that] I take two months off, then I work for two months. Then I take a year off. I have four children and caring for them is the most important thing for me at the moment."

Jolie, 31, and Pitt, 43, have four children: 5-year-old Maddox, who was adopted from Cambodia; 3-year-old Pax Thien from Vietnam; 2-year-old Zahara from Ethiopia, and their own blood daughter Shiloh, who is clearly much less interesting.

YahooNews.com: Jolie plans to take break from films

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Michael Jackson recently dropped an effort to block an auction of his personal belongings and other Jackson family items.

The gloved one originally sought to stop the auction and force the return of items he claimed were personal property, plus asked for unspecified punitive damages. But last Friday Jacko’s lawyer told a Las Vegas judge that confidential agreement had been reached with representatives of an auctioneer, the current owner of the materials, and a New Jersey man who claimed a warehouse full of Jackson memorabilia after a failed business venture wound up in bankruptcy court.

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Marilyn Manson has been gloomier than normal lately due to his breakup with wife Dita Von Teese, he says.

"I was completely destroyed. I had no soul left," the aging rocker says in Spin magazine of his breakup to the model and burlesque dancer. "I define myself as a person, a human, an artist, as someone who makes things — writing, painting, music — and I couldn't do anything."

Manson married Von Teese in November 2005, but she filed for divorce last December.

"She said she had tolerated the lifestyle because she hoped I would change and threatened to leave if I didn't," Manson says. "I was sleeping on the couch in my own home. I was no longer supposed to be a rock star. I was someone who had to be apologized for. I wasn't prepared to be alone. I came out of this naked, a featherless bird."

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Dateline: Los Angeles...Paris Hilton, heiress to the famed Hotel franchise of the same last name has been declared too 'distraught' to testify in a 2005 civil suit brought against her by famed diamond heiress Zeta Graff.

Graff, the fellow trust fund beauty, is suing for a cool $10 million, claiming that Hilton defamed her and once tried to grab a $4 million dollar necklace from off her neck.

Hilton's own shrink has said that the pretty blond in the headband has the vapors over the recent news that she'll be serving 45 days in the clink.

This reporter asks...how long can we let these trainwrecks continue to navigate through the slaloms of failure they call their lives without consequence? HOW LONG?!

Yahoo! News: Paris Hilton 'Distraught' over jail time

Each year, Maxim magazine sponsors their 'Hot 100 List' where they rate female celebrities according to their assets. This year, the male version of Cosmo has declared Lindsay Lohan the number one hot female on the planet Earth!

Considering her recent drug scandal, rehab, a rumored lazy attitude towards "working," a revolving door of possible lovers and her privates constantly splattered across the pages of tabloids and blogs alike, you might think that one of those things would have come back to bite her in the ass.

But Maxim, like Jesus, is very forgiving and can look past all of her previous indiscretions, straight to nice soul set of cans.

So, congrats Lindsay! Too bad this won't bring daddy back.

Yahoo! News: Lindsay Lohan Tops 'Maxim Hot 100' List

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