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BONUS Epic Fail: BBQ Foods

Fri, 04 Jul 2008 07:02:00 GMT

When you head out into the independence fun you've planned for yourself today, please keep in mind that BBQs are a sacred long-standing tradition in the American culture. So, before you head to the store to do your BBQ shopping this morning, take a look at our epic fail list and adjust accordingly, disregarding your normal dietary habits. You'll thank us.

PROPANE GRILLS
If you're going to barbecue, you need a real fire. And here's a news flash: Propane doesn't count. If you want a real fire, you use wood or charcoal. When I'm going to cook meat to savory perfection, I want something on fire in my pit, not some invisible gas.

Also, part of the fun at a barbecue is hanging around chatting while the fire's getting ready. All that time goes bye-bye when you cheat by using propane. So, Hank Hill and all you propane men out there: FAIL!
-Jon Hunt

HOT DOGS
Now let’s be perfectly clear, hot dogs taste great. They’re an American tradition; we all grew up eating them, and chances are we’ll eat them until we die. This paragraph is a direct response to the choice of Soy Dogs as an epic fail (see below.)

Hot Dogs are not a fail for how they taste, but what they’re made of and what they do to your body (besides make your tummy happy). From Wikipedia - “Hot dogs are generally regarded as unhealthy insofar as most have high sodium, fat and nitrate content.” But who cares, right? We east stuff that’s bad for us all the time, that’s what being American is all about! We’ve all heard the “lips and a**holes” phrase about what’s in hot dogs, and that’s pretty much true. Hot dogs are usually the meat by-products left over from multiple factory slaughterhouses all ground up together in one homogenous mush, containing any number of meats from beef to pork to chicken and turkey. Kinda gross, but not a deal-breaker. What really clinches it for me is the skin. This “mystery meat mush” is then fed through a machine that pumps it into sheep intestine. You know that “snap” when you bite into a hot dog? That’s the small intestine of a sheep bursting in your mouth.

I’m really sorry if I’ve ruined your barbeque experience this 4th of July, but to be perfectly honest, hot dogs really gross me out.
-Patrick Roche-Sowa

SOY DOGS
Soy Dogs are the most epically fail barbeque foods ever. They’re generally eaten by Vegans, and Vegans are incredibly annoying people in the best of circumstances—when you’ve based your whole philosophy of life around denying yourself the visceral joy of eating the parts and issuances of animals, you obviously have something very wrong happening inside your head—but vegans at July 4th barbeques are double plus super-annoying to the 8th power.

The Fourth of July is a day set aside to celebrate America’s positions at the top of the historical food chain. It’s a day to bask in the joy of good old-fashioned carnivorous Americanism by exploding things, getting all weepy over Old Glory and shoving fifteen hamburgers down your maw and washing it down with lukewarm Schlitz. Soy Dog eating--and the mewly liberal-guilt whininess it usually comes with--have no place on the Fourth. Our American ancestors were awesome enough to land on a strange continent, rid it of hostile enemies, bend the earth itself to our whim and create the greatest civilization known to man in only a couple hundred years, and they didn’t do it by eating soy dogs. It was buffalo at every meal, and when the buffalo were all gone, no one cried and organized a protest rally. They just started eating the cows and pigs.

One thing I don’t need on my day of unapologetic Americanism is a skinny, pale-faced hippy laying a soy dog and guilt trip on the grill next to my precious meat. All that soy contaminates the purity of my dead animal products and blood just like limp-wristed health and morality consciousness contaminates the American thoughtscape. It’s a free country (only because our heroic, conquering ancestors were man enough to allow even the feebs their own opinions,) so you veginas can believe whatever you want, but wait until July 5th. Today’s not your day.

By the way, I know hot dogs are made of lips and buttholes. I like eating lips and buttholes. They’re delicious. And the crisp snap of a well-grilled intestine is one of the great joys of American life. Top of the food chain, baby!

What really clinches it for me: In a University of North Carolina study, excessive soy consumption was linked to nipple discharge, breast enlargement and decreases in testosterone in men. In other words, science proves that eating soy turns you into a woman.
-Stephen Johnson

THE WHOLE PIG
Every once in a while there’s a BBQ where some overzealous host gets it in his head that he’s gonna roast a whole pig, complete with the Apple-in-the-Mouth. Don’t do this.

I love consuming the cooked flesh of animals, don’t get me wrong, but I don’t want to see the animal’s face. Just make some pork chops and move along.
-Brian Leahy

BBQ EGGPLANT
We've covered the blasphemy of a meat imposter at a BBQ in the form of the veggie dog, but just as equally a crime against humanity is the barbecued eggplant. If you're a vegetarian and going to a BBQ, EAT BEFORE YOU GO! You're showing up with that smug smile on your face thinking you've got the whole world figured out. Here's what's gonna happen: You're gonna try to slap that thing on the grill wrapped in foil so its delicate textures don't get blasted away by the manheat and manflames of my mangrill. It's gonna get dry and overcooked or undercooked and inexplicably to you it will still taste raw. I'll watch you on the bench nearby my mangrill as you try to stave off the friendly curiosity of friends. "Yeah, it's really good, actually." "It tastes just like meat." "My daddy loved me like normal," is just a sample of the various lies you will tell to them.

I'm sorry to have to tell you this, Fancyface, but BBQing is for meat. It's primal, it's instinctual, it's the food chain. If evolution had meant for us to bbq eggplants, it would have put feet on them and given them heartbeats.
-Ty Colfax

SPAM
We looked up the meaning of 'barbecue' at Dictionary.com and came across this:

Barbecue - pieces of beef, fowl, fish, or the like, roasted over an open hearth.

Now ask yourself, fellow Americans, what category would you put Spam in? Don't, please, do not put it under 'or the like' because as far as we know, Spam is neither beef, fowl, or fish....maybe foul. Folks, this thing is canned meat, packed with more preservatives and sodium than 10 pounds of beef jerky. Seriously, just don't even try and open it.
-John Manalang

AMBROSIA SALAD
Whoever invented this pile of crap masquerading as a salad should be forced to sit in the hot sun and eat it until they explode. A bunch of crappy fruit, bound by whipped cream and sour cream, and dotted with mini marshmallows, this looks and tastes like what happens in an unflushed angel’s toilet. Barbecues are supposed to be about meat and maybe beans. Congealed fruit salad with marshmallows is suspiciously Communist in its ideology and extreme white trash in its construction. Therefore, it is a fail. The only Ambrosia worth anything is the 70’s band who played “The Biggest Part of Me” and “Reminiscing.”
-Mike D'Alonzo

and our EPIC WIN: LOTS OF F***ING MEAT!
Enjoy your independence and eat whatever you want. It's inalienable!

Epic Fail: Patriots

Thu, 03 Jul 2008 12:27:00 GMT

In honor of July 4th, and its celebration of all things American, please enjoy the below list of people and things that totally fail at Jingoism. That’s right, folks, it’s Epic Fail: Patriots!

The 18-1 2007-2008 New England Patriots: Never was there a group of Patriots who failed as spectacularly as the 2008 New England Patriots. Pretty much crowned the first ever 19-0 professional football team, writers were already planning the Pats’ place in the pantheon of greatest teams ever. It was a mortal lock. A done deal. All they had to do was dispatch the New York Giants, a team they’d already handled during the regular season. A team that many thought was weak, and lucky just to be there. Of course, as they say, that’s why you play the game. When it was all said and done, the Patriots were a statistical footnote to the game of football, the Giants were the World Champions, and, for one glorious day, the residents of 21st Century New England, who have become a bizarro version of themselves from the 20th Century, were forced into stunned silence. The quietest Monday of all.
--Michael D'Alonzo

The Patriots from Metal Gear Solid: I’m going to spare all you Feeders the injustice of having to read a poorly written missive on why these guys blow and just break this down into 2 easy-to-digest morsels:

1) They wanted to censor the flow of digital information which, if successful, would’ve probably robbed us of internet classics like The Star Wars Kid and Two Girls, One Cup.

2) Their nickname is the “La-li-lu-le-lo” which JUST. SOUNDS. RIDICULOUS.
--Blair Herter

The Patriot (Wrestler): In 1997, the Word Wrestling Federation (as it was known before being pwnt by the World Wildlife Fund for copyright infringement) was waist deep in a cheesy and embarrassingly entertaining story-line featuring anti-American sentiment from our neighbors from the North, Canada.

Bret "The Hitman" Hart was leading the charge in his hot pink/black leotard glory. With Canucks claiming most of the "american" wrestling titles at the time all looked lost. Who could possibly step in to take up the challenge? Enter journeyman masked wrestler The Patriot (a.k.a. Del Wilkes) who stepped up to defend American honor and pride but more importantly tasteful acts of patriotism... ahem. He was eventually able to defeat Bret Hart in a non-title match by way of classic interference from a more than willing Shawn Michaels. (i.e. cheating) Yay, showing how it's done, American style.

This was pretty much the run of The Patriot's career in the WWF, as he then went on to battle painkiller, cocaine and steroid addictions/abuses. This PATRIOT = EPIC FAIL... and I = Epic fail too, for being able to remember this storyline.
--Jeffrey Kanjanapangka

Anyone with a “Support Our Troops” magnet on the back of their car: I fully support our troops, and I have nothing against people who think they’re being good Americans, however, let’s make this clear: Buying a yellow ribbon magnet and sticking it to the back of your Ford Explorer is not showing your patriotism or support of the troops at all. You, my magnet-sporting friend, are simply telling the world and our government that you are an easily-influenced nationalist and an obedient consumer.

If you want to show your patriotism, join your local government. If you want to support our troops, donate to or volunteer for your local veterans hospital. These magnets are the United States equivalent of “Live Strong” bracelets. Buying a 2 dollar rubber bracelet is not supporting cancer research, it’s picking up a fashion accessory. Buying a yellow ribbon magnet for your car does not support our troops in any way, it shows all the other soccer-mom’s that you’re just as much of a capitalist wh*re as they are.
--Patrick Roche-Sowa

The Patriot Missile: Raytheon’s Patriot Missile is an epic fail. While many view the combination of the Patriot missile’s AN/MSQ-104 Engagement Control Station and its distinctive M901 Launching Station as an improvement over previous Surface to Air missiles, in reality, the Patriot’s modular digital airborne guidance system’s midcourse correction package has provided substandard response in some ballistics tests. You don’t have to be a rocket scientist to see the clear benefits of this system over… oh, wait. You do have to be a rocket scientist. Never mind.
--Stephen Johnson

Roy Cohn: There is no greater epic fail patriot than one who commits terrible atrocities that go against everything this country stands for and still claims that he or she is just performing their patriotic duty. Roy Cohn was exactly such a person.

Roy Cohn achieved his greatest notoriety as a consultant for Joseph McCarthy in the days of the House Un-American Activities Committee, and assisted in the prosecution of Julius and Ethel Rosenberg. Cohn conspired in the destruction of numerous lives through actions of the HUAC.

Cohn's only one redeeming legacy is that he provided the inspiration for the blue-haired lawyer in The Simpsons.
--John Hunt

The Patriot (Mel Gibson Movie) This movie, coming just 5 years after the award-winning Braveheart, clocks in at around 160 minutes of historically-questionable ridiculousness. It wasn’t as inaccurate as Braveheart, mind you, but it’s still pretty ridiculous.

It elevated the British to almost Nazi levels of hatred for their brutal tactics and murdering of women and children. Even better, it was written by a German guy and directed by another German guy! Are they trying to give the Nazi’s some company? You be the judge. How does Mel respond to this? It was “a film with a bias - told from a point of view.”
Also, Harrison Ford turned down the lead role… and he was in Firewall.
--Brian Leahy

American Car Flags: It's righteous enough to be proud of your country at your own home as you hang that red, white and blue banner at your front porch. But to have an American flag sticking out on your car window (or for most people, windows) is another thing. Yes, we get it that you are a great American my friend, but is it really necessary to have that thing flap at the side of your vehicle? Might as well stick your head out the window and yell, "CHARGE!" while you're at it.
--John Manalang

Benedict Arnold: A name that has become synonymous with the term 'traitor,' Benedict Arnold was a distinguished General in our fight for independence from British rule. As an American general, he is credited with some of the most important victories in the Revolutionary War, but thanks to being passed over for promotion several times and charges of corruption lobbed at him from political opponents in the Continental Congress, he grew disenfranchised with the cause. In July 1780, he gained control of the fort at West Point in New York and promptly sold it to the British for 20,000 pounds and a military pension. Once he was found out, he escaped down the Hudson and retired in London with his ugly wife.
--Ty Colfax

Epic Win Patriot: France: Without the assistance of France during the Revolutionary war, Great Britain may well have been able to hold onto its colonies and we'd be speaking English to this very day. Plus, is there anything more Patriotic than French Fries? We think not! Also: We want to stir you up.

'Diablo III' YouTube Footage Fake!

Thu, 03 Jul 2008 10:20:00 GMT

Youtube user T2Darlantan recently posted a series of videos in which he claims he's playing a beta of Diablo III'. While initially blinded by our excitement for the game, upon further investigation we noticed that the actual game he was playing bore a striking resemblance to the gameplay footage that Blizzard uploaded to their website in the wake of this year's Blizzard Entertainment Worldwide Invitational. So we did what every self-respecting news outlet would do and reached out to our inside man at Blizzard for comment. Here's what he had to say:

"I took a quick glance at the video and it's very apparent to me that he's doing some kind of trick with the gameplay video we released, " The Blizzard Spokesperson said. "There is no 'beta' of the game yet. He doesn't truly know any 'secrets' about the game as he claims... We wouldn't choose a random guy on youtube recording from his living room as a vehicle of information for our games."

Myth: busted. Shame on you T2Darlantan. Shame on you indeed.

For more on T2-CHARLATAN (see what I did there?) be sure to watch the Gaming Update on tonight's all-new X-Play at 8 PM ET.

Epic Fail: YouTube Videos

Thu, 26 Jun 2008 11:59:00 GMT

It's hard for a YouTube video to be a failure. The bar is really low: Throw a funny wig on yourself and speed up the audio, and the youtube masses will think you're a comedy genius. Rant about the connection between George W. Bush and the outer-space lizard conspiracy and you'll be hailed as a political commentator of the highest order.

But some youtube videos are worse than bad. They manage to transcend the poor lighting, non-existent editing, self-aggrandizement and tedium of the standard youtube offering to become epic fails. Below, please find our choices for Epic Fail: Youtube Videos.

jam with jake and tom awesome beatbox duo

Beatboxing is really hard. It's also really easy to tell who blows at it right when they start. Not only is this video about 3 minutes and 57 seconds too long, it's also atonal, arhythmic, and a waste of air. Putting awesome in the title just makes it hurt so much more.
--Ty Colfax

Best Video On YouTube Ever

It's not that the above stab at toast-related comedy is all that bad--it's merely mediocre--but the title of the video: "Best Video On Youtube Ever" builds us up for something amazing. Way to let us all down, swordsman87.
--Stephen Johnson

Any "sXePhil" video

First of all, even this guy's name is an epic fail. I know you meant your username to be "Sexy Phil" but guess what moron, sXe does not mean sexy, it means straight edge. So unless you start X'ing up your hands, staying sober, and kicking some serious ass in the pit, I suggest you change your name. Oh also, you're not sexy at all. You look like a baby that was deprived of oxygen during birth. Second, you are not funny. At all. Ever. Your attempts at comedy makes my brain feel like it's been covered in hot sauce and vinegar. Your voice is annoying, your opinions are ill-informed, and you whine more than the entire California Napa Valley.

Third, and most important, YOU STEAL HITS. The only reason why you're on any front page of YouTube is because you artificially boost your views by putting a thumbnail of a hot girl and titling the video something like "California Love". Thank god I figured out your sad game early on and always check to see if any video I'm about to click on was posted from your account, because not even Al Gore himself could force me to watch such a travesty on the wonderful gift that is the internet.

So join me, ladies and gentleman, in my campaign to force Straight Edge Phil off of YouTube. Comment on his videos, make everyone you know call him Straight Edge Phil, and if anyone out there ever sees this guy out and about at a bar enjoying a beer, just point and laugh while screaming "SELL OUT" at the top of your lungs. Maybe then he'll stop, and we can all breath a sigh of relief.

EDIT: It has come to my attention that this post angered many people. To clarify, this was a humorous post not meant to be taken serously. I don't actually want Phil off YouTube, nor do I condone verbal or physical violence against the man (the "Sell out" comment was a joke refering to him drinking alcohol when his username denotes being straight edge). So please, don't hate Phil because I told you to, and don't hate me because I don't like Phil. It's the internet kids, don't take it so seriously. Can't we all just get along?
--Patrick Roche-Sowa

asfd

This epic fail YouTube video can be diagnosed very clinically. Here, we have 8 minutes of video from an unnamed and fairly indeterminable MMO where a non-descript character and a non-descript monster battle, performing the same non-descript moves over and over again, at a boring and rather poor angle providing no real perspective on the fight. The video title is the same as the description: asdf. Clearly the author had no time to provide the most basic of description information. Also, there is no sound and the video, as of this post, has only been viewed 87 times. This is as clear cut a case of YouTube failure as we are ever likely to see.

Bonus: Name the game this came from!
--Jonathan Hunt

The Phone

Why would you take the necessary time to film and post this video? What is the meaning of all this? Someone please help to explain what’s going on here. Help!
--Michael D'Alonzo

Bonus Epic Win:

Sons of Nowhere by The Replacements

Some might think the above video for The Replacements "Bastards of the Young" is lame--it's just a 4 minute shot of a speaker-- but they're wrong. Tragically wrong. It's not lame at all; In actuality, the above is the most awesome video ever from the single greatest rock band in history.

Epic Fail: World Changing Technology

Thu, 19 Jun 2008 12:31:00 GMT

Every few years, someone comes along with a product or idea that is touted as so fantastic, so wide-ranging, so innovative, it will change everything--the very fabric of society will be rent by this product/idea! Luckily for us, most of these ideas and technologies fizzle and go nowhere. For every Gasoline Engine there are 500 Cold Fusion Generators. So with this in mind we bring you G4’s Epic Fail: World-Changing Technologies:

The Segway - Some of you may not be old enough to remember when the Segway was released, but if you can you recall the largest over-hype campaign in the history of the world. Let me paint a picture for you. Unveiled at the end of 2001, the hype machine started sometime in the previous summer. I was 21 years old, in college, things like cell phones are expanding exponentially, and technology is amazing us almost every day.

Before its release, the Segway was just called "It", and they wouldn't release any information about it. At all. All they told the world is that it would revolutionize the way human beings travel for the rest of time, or something equally as grandiose. Of course, our minds were reeling. We were thinking personal mag-lev technology that can use the Earth's magnetic poles, cars that ran on perpetual energy systems, portal technology; the tension built for months! And guess what?!?!?! We got an electric scooter. Seriously, it made me want to firebomb New Hampshire.
--Patrick Roche-Sowa

CB Radio: CB or Citizen's Band radio was supposed to revolutionize the way we communicate as a nation, particularly in our cars. The Citizen's Band, a series of tunable two-way frequencies set aside for non-official use, originally was only known among truck drivers, who had a legitimate reason to need a two-way, in-cab radio. Eventually, the drivers' colorful jargon began showing up in the TV, movies and novelty songs of the day. Citizens of the 70s glamorized the lives of people who drove trucks, and the the radios they enjoyed began to be sold to non-truck-drivers trying to be trucker-hip. The radios made it easy to communicate right away and somewhat anonymously with any other CB radio owner. Imagine the freedom and safety provided by a device that allowed you to communicate with virtually anyone at any time.

The CB's popularity eventually became its downfall: As the frequencies became crowded with noise, interference and wannabes from nearby channels yelling "10-4 Good Buddy," exasperated truckers no doubt resented the noobs encroaching on their turf and stop listening/talking. People eventually stopped tuning in, realizing that the only other folks using the radios were wannabes too, and the craze died out in the early 80s, only to be remembered as a handheld fail.

But CBs led to the development of the carphone, which of course led to cell phones, which led to braintalkies, which led to the Collective Consciousness Neuralnet. Unfortunately, spawning cell phones does not an epic win make, but the tech is still around, it's just usually reserved for old men who use pie tins as hats (see above.)
--Ty Colfax

CD-i: While television shopping with my dad in 1991, we were stopped by a salesman in the SEARS electronic department who wanted to show us a new form of entertainment technology that was going to "change everything." He informed us how, thanks to this innovative and revolutionary technology, entertainment would never be the same. The great technological revolution was called: CD-i.

CD-i (Compact Disc Interactive) was going to allow movies to be different every time you watched them, because you'd be able to make different decisions for the characters. You'd never have to buy a video game system ever again, because this little dark grey box from Philips was everything you would ever need.

I don't see how this didn't catch on. I, for one, would have loved to have Interactive movies starring the mother from Twin Peaks and some guy I've only ever seen on Cinemax between 1 and 4 in the morning. That would beat the hell out of Iron Man or The Dark Knight any day of the week. Oh wait...
--Jonathan Hunt

Beenz: Back in the early days of the Web, before people realized porn is the only profitable venture on the internet, the entire world was concocting dumb ideas to make-E-money, E-Fast! At the time, the world was besotted with the myth that upstart, clever young-people-with-a-dream could change everything! While you could spend all day essaying idiotic web 1.0 schemes, the most epic of all involved a company trying to provide the currency that would allow every other dumb idea to make people rich. In other words, Beenz! The company behind Beenz was trying to create the first ever global, digital currency. "You won't spend dollars on the web in the world of the Future!" the company said, "You'll spend Beenz! Beenz are a magical fruit!"

Here how it worked: Somehow you would earn beenz through visiting certain websites and trade with others users for their beenz, or you could get beenz through exchanging money for them, and then trade them for goods and services, but only if... you know what? We can't explain it to you because it doesn't make sense. But back in the halcyon web-bubble days of the late 90s, it was a good enough idea to raise a lot of money: Beenz raised over $100 million in capital!

Dumbness wasn't the main problem Beenz had, though. The main problem with the scheme was it’s not legal to launch a new currency, and international bankers take that kind of thing incredibly seriously. Beenz offices in London were raided by the Financial Services Authority (FSA) and the police on suspicion of counterfeiting. Class action lawsuits were filed, etc.

Along with International banking regulations, the people behind Beenz also ignored the fact that you’d have to be effing crazy to invest any money in a completely unsecured fake currency created by a fly-by-night internet startup that couldn't even use the letter “Z” correctly. Instead of using, say, your credit cards to buy porn. In the end, traditional currencies weren't shaken by the been, The dollar and Euro are doing fine, and you can’t pay your light bill in beenz. On the plus side, beenz are good for your heart.
--Stephen Johnson

Graham, Kellogg, and Curing Libido Through Food: Once upon a time, separate groups of people thought that we masturbated because we ate poorly, and that masturbation was the source of all of society's problems. That's where Graham Crackers and Kellogg’s Corn Flakes come from. Seriously. Both products were invented as ways of encouraging you to keep your hands to yourself and live a healthy, non-polluted life.

Although Graham Crackers and Corn Flakes are now staples of the American diet, self-pleasure has yet to stop, no matter how many cheesecakes you bake or cereal bowls you pour.
--Michael D'Alonzo

LaserDisc: The father of the DVD and CD. The grandaddy of Blu-Ray (and corpse of HD-DVD). The first optical media ever created. While its children went on to completely change the way we intake our media, this impractical and expensive progenitor had some major hang-ups. To begin with, the size of the disc itself was nearly 1 ft. in diameter making an already vulnerable medium even more susceptible to damage. Imagine loaning these babies out to your friends or even worse seeing the condition they would get to you in your Netflix envelope.

To function, spinning these "dinner plates" required bulky machines that generated much greater noise than other media formats. Then, to kick you while you're down, the size didn't even equate to greater storage space. Due to the analog video signal, the ceiling for Laserdisc playback was capped at only a mere 60 minutes per side. How many of you like the idea of getting up 2 - 3 times during your film to flip a digital pancake? The final insult would have to be the possibility of "LaserRot". Due to shoddy craftsmanship in manufacturing certain discs would begin to oxidize due to low quality adhesives. Think optical media "petrie dish" where the molds spots are in actuality the destruction of the mine cart scene from Temple of Doom.

LaserDisc = the epitome of a medium being out of touch with the times. Digital Elitism. I'm just glad in this day and age of DVRs and high-speed downloadable content, that we don't have overpriced new mediums expecting us to sell our souls for something that's at best... meh. Oops. Sorry, Blu-Ray I didn't see you there.
--Jeffrey Kanjanapangka

Honorable Mention: Epic Win: Refrigeration. It's impossible to underestimate the importance of refrigeration in our society. The ability to keep things cold allows food to be transported long distances and stored for long periods of time. We get to eat better. We work harder. We make better things, etc. Yay, refrigeration!

Epic Fail: Fanboys

Thu, 12 Jun 2008 12:00:00 GMT

This week's Epic Fail list looks at the most epically fail-filled fanboys in the gaming world. We've all wasted enough bandwidth talking about the "console wars," though, so we're sticking to fans of specific games or series. Get it?

Prepare to be insulted, The Internet; here's our list of Epic Fail: Fanboys:

Metal Gear Solid Fanboys: In commemoration of the release of Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots, I felt obligated to include Metal Gear fanboys on this list. I've spoken with several around the office in the past few weeks, all salivating at the thought of getting their hands on Kojima's latest long winded stealth "experience", and I have few words to share with them now:

1) Contrary to what many of you have said, this game is not cool because it's like a movie. It's not a movie, it's a videogame. I know it can sometimes be hard to remember when you haven't picked up your controller in 20 minutes.

2) The story does not make sense. If you insist that it does make sense, then I insist you are really Kojima in disguise and that you are crazy.

3) Kojima is crazy. He's not a "unique storyteller with a bizarre sense of humor". He's crazy. That is all.

Having shared that, enjoy your "interactive movie" and let me know if you come across any fun videogames in the future.
--Jonathan Hunt

Naruto Fanboys: I know I don’t understand Naruto, but it’s not made any easier when people try and explain it to me. Believe it! First off, there are 800 games that all have the same five words in the title (Extreme, Ninja, Rise, Challenge, Championship), just re-jiggered into a different order for each release. (Naruto: Extreme Championship Ninja Challenge, anyone?) And the fanboys pretend they understand this convoluted mess of a story that seems to neuter games like Street Fighter, and replace what was ballsy with anime dialogue straight from the Speed Racer canon…from 1966. Believe it! Also, Naruto fanboys dress in orange jumpsuits, like their hero, which has the cumulative effect of looking like a convict crossed with a snowboarder, without being as cool as either. Believe it!
--Michael D'Alonzo

World of Warcraft: WoW fanboys are the most epically fail simply because of their number. Ten million people play the game and every single one of them is a fanboy. It’s unavoidable: WoW is so big and so complicated that there’s no such thing as a casual player. Sure, you might start off with the idea of only devoting an hour a night to your elf or gnome or whatever, but, before long, you’ll need to know how to boost your DPS, where the best spots to mine iron are, and how to earn the gold for your level 40 mount. So you’ll check out the FAQs and webcasts. Then you’ll pop on to message boards. And before you know it, you’re spending patch day engaged in dumb arguments about which class was nerfed by the last update, and trying to organize a raid with 39 other no-life-having flies trapped in the World of Warcraft spiderweb.

Then, you’ll start not being able to relate to people who don't play WoW. The epic shoulder pads you spent many hours earning mean nothing to the rest of the world, and you’ll never be able to bridge the understanding gap. Just try and explain to a normal human that you spend hour after hour staring at a computer repeating tasks, but it's not a boring data entry job. It's a game. And you pay someone to play it!

But you’ll try and make them understand anyway. You’ll be at a party trying to win friends and influence women with your leet Wow exploits, and because your social skills have been shredded off by months of basement dwelling you might not even notice how everyone you meet averts their gaze and subtly slides away from you with a confused/disgusted look on their face. Before long, you’ll be crapping in a sock.
--Stephen Johnson

Final Fantasy: The game has like 12 sequels, 30 spin-offs or associated titles, and has basically become a developer unto itself. Ironic considering the title would make you assume that the first edition would be the last. We can't for the life of us figure out why anyone would be so obsessed with the entire thing. Sure, Final Fantasy III (US, VI in Japan) was awesome and groundbreaking. But that doesn't mean that we need to see 500 installments of the same --or in some cases not same enough (I'm looking at you Dirge of the Cerberus)--garbage over and over. And cosplayers, I'm sorry but I gotta say it; Final Fantasy has the most annoying whiny little cosplaying pubes of any series. If there were an upside to all this Rikku, Peekmu, and Aerith fanaticism, it would be the hotter side of the cosplayer, which is an incredible sight to behold. (see above) Trouble is we've had to wade through so much crappy manga, spikey wigs, fanfiction, Hollywood movies, and whiny forum bile that we forget how awesome the ACTUAL GAME was. You fail Final Fantasy Fanboy. You fail hot girls everywhere.
--Ty Colfax

Shin Megami Tensi: Ok, I understand this is a good series of hardcore games that deliver a high level of depth, challenge, and story. I'm not discounting the games or their contributions to the gaming community, but the fans have got to stop. A good friend of mine, who happens to be a 30 year old American man form California, has been reduced to the persona of a 12 year old Japanese boy. He has every game in the series, including original super Nintendo games running through emulators. He has the novels, the anime movie, action figures, AIM emoticons, monster encyclopedias, art books....it never ends! Tensi Fanboys are not an epic fail because of the games, it's because they JUST WON'T STOP.
--Patrick Roche-Sowa

Sonic: Sonic fanboys are the absolute worst. If you’re a Sonic fanboy... I don’t even know how to talk to you. Sonic had a few good games back on the Genesis and then went straight to the trash bin when they went 3D and tried to add serious plots.

Furthermore, the amount of scary Sonic fansites that exist solely to discuss how hot they think Amy is freaks me out to the point of no return. You might not be a furry, but you’re walking the line.

The new Sonic looks pretty cool, though.
--Brian Leahy

Bonus Epic Win:

Rock Band : Rock Band fans are epically win because, well, it's the one game the entirety of G4 agrees is awesome, and we are all winners! Okay, maybe not, but we squeal when the weekly DLC tracks are announced and still bust it out even though it's been on the shelves for months. Plus, girls like to play Rock Band, so you can play videogames and hang out with girls at the same time, which is rare and awesome and epically win!

Epic Fail: Game Publicity and Advertising

Thu, 05 Jun 2008 11:59:00 GMT

The recent blow-up concerning reviewer non-disclosure agreement and Konami’s Metal Gear Solid 4 is a minor blip on the radar of videogame marketing and publicity’s often inexplicable relationship to the gaming press. But it got us thinking: What are the absolute lowlights in videogame marketing, publicity and advertising? Below please find our Epic Fail list of Gaming publicity, marketing and advertising.

The Daikatana Incident (a.k.a. John Romero’s Big Mouth)

During Daikatana’s development, well before the game was set to be released, a magazine ad was released to promote John Romero’s game. These were the days when magazines were the primary form of gaming news and pre-release hype to this level wasn’t yet standard operating procedure. John wanted everyone to know that he was going to make you his bitch and invited you to “suck it down.”

The game took 3 more years to release and was a definite turd. Suck what down, Mr. Romero?
--Brian Leahy

Decepticon Failure

Switching the colors for Autobots and Decepticons on the DS boxart - The Autobots logo is purple. The Decepticons logo is red. How, then, do you manage to flip those on the box art? Is it because you like failing?
--Ty Colfax

Sony's "Thumb" Ad

I have no idea what Sony’s European ad agency was going for when they came up with this ad portraying a nude male with a thumb for a penis, but all they really achieved was a whole lot of embarrassed giggling and a general roar of “WTF” from the gaming community. Certainly, they weren’t appealing to the young men in the crowd, and the young ladies would likely be put off by the thought of a thumb in that position. So, what were they going for? Who were they marketing to? What were they trying to say? This ad is literally the DaVinci Code of visual marketing.
--Michael D'Alonzo

Lair's How-To-Play Manual

Sony, in a move to try and stop the flow of negative and sub-par reviews for their highly anticipated release Lair for the PS3, sent out an unprecedented "Reviewer's Guide" to game review websites such as IGN. Inside the "Guide" was a 6 page section about the game's controls which, in effect, was telling the reviewer how to play the game properly.

Websites such as TheFeed, Kotaku, and IGN jumped on this and the packet led to an even further backlash against Factor 5's disappointing title. Earlier this year, Sony caved and released a patch for Lair that included an option for analog game controls, but at that point the world of the internet had moved on to more important things, like monkeys that pee in their own mouths.
--Jonathan Hunt

Gerstmann-gate

We all remember the recent drama involving Jeff Gerstmann leaving GameSpot.com, but in case you were skipping class that day, I'll give you the Cliff's notes. Gerstmann was a well seasoned game reviewer for GameSpot, and after a slightly negative review of the game Kane and Lynch, he was asked to leave the company. Rumors immediately started circling that Gerstmann was fired because of pressure from the game's publisher, Eidos Interactive. Pointing to the fact that GameSpot was skinned in Kane and Lynch ads, and that multiple long-term employees of GameSpot left soon after the incident, many people assume that the rumor are true. We'll never know for sure, since GameSpot and their parent company Cnet have maintained that they have high standards for objective reviews and information, and Gerstmann has not given any details about the situation because of the legal ramifications. While GameSpot's credibility has taken a hit with some, their traffic numbers haven't, so take that as you will. Gerstmann now has his own site called Giant Bomb and has been doing podcasts about gaming ever since, but has still remained tight-lipped about Gerstmann-gate.
--Patrick Roche-Sowa

"Sexy" Game Ads

The above photo, taken from a magazine ad for some game called Shogo Mobile Army Division typifies what's wrong with advertising that tries to use sex to sell games. The bad pun about your "gun" being big enough paired with the out-of-context clip-art hot chick indicates a creatively bankrupt ad agency. Can't you just see them sitting around a conference table for hours, and ending the meeting with "We don't understand gamers, but they probably don't get laid much, so let's just show a hot chick and call it a night."

In other words: Sex is cool. Games are cool. But combining them can be a like eating a salmon and peanut butter sandwich: The ingredients are delicious, but the combination makes us sick.
--Stephen Johnson

Honorable Epic Win: Gary Busey In Saint's Row 2 ads

We're not even sure why this is such an awesome combination, but damn is it ever. Please let Busey be a playable character in Saint's Row 2. Please, please, please! And give whoever came up with the idea a big raise!

Watch the large version of this video

Epic Fail: Spin-off TV Shows

Thu, 29 May 2008 11:18:00 GMT

Since the 1950s, TV has been taking good shows and creating epically fail shows from their cast members and/or concepts. We're not sure why.

While occasionally, spinoffs result in something great like The Jeffersons, you usually get something epically crappy like Friends spinoff Joey. In "honor" of TV's historic lack of creativity, please enjoy these epically fail spin-offs of all time.

The Lone Gunmen: First things first, while a good number of X-Files fans (including myself) enjoyed this short-lived show very much, it still must be relegated to the halls of Epic Faildom for the fact that it couldn't even survive a single season. This quirky, and quite dark, X-Files spinoff starred the three-man team of conspiracy nuts tracking down distinctly non-alien baddies committing terrible atrocities. The series has had somewhat of a resurgence thanks to the plot of their pilot episode and some rather imaginative 9/11 conspiracy nuts. Still, as a series spinning off one of the top-rated dramas at the time, The Lone Gunmen managed only 3 and a half months which, of course, equals EPIC FAIL.
--Jonathan Hunt

The Cleveland Show - Ok, I know you will all scream at me until your tiny little 12 year old nuts drop about this, but anything in any way associated with The Family Guy is automatically labeled as a steaming pile of elephant dung.

I know The Cleveland Show isn't out yet, but I can promise you it will be worse than being forced to watch your grandparents have sex. Follow my logic for a moment; The Family Guy premiers on Fox to a generation of young people hoping for a new, risk-taking form of comedy. The show builds a cult following almost immediately, but in typical Fox fashion, they can't figure out what to do with the show or how to market it, so it gets canceled. Now, at this point, Family Guy was still valid, ground-breaking, and mildly funny. Flash forward 5 years later when Family Guy goes back on air after selling tons of DVDs and showing Fox they can exploit the property to make money. So at that point you get a new, watered-down, not funny anymore version of the Family Guy. Comedy had moved past their 80s childhood reference, A + B + Random Nonsense=funny formula, and because of that the show was no longer relevant. On top of that, Fox has to milk what they see as a cash cow, so they force McFarlan and his crew to vomit forth American Dad; an even less funny, more formulaic, and infinitely more annoying show. Which brings us to whatever The Cleveland Show will end up being, and if I were a betting man I would put my money on racist jokes, many flashbacks with Cleveland in 70s afro/80s Beat it/Insert past decade and appropriate pop culture reference, and painfully unfunny racial stereotypes filling out the cast of his family. Just like all other things Family Guy related; NOT FUNNY.
--Patrick Roche-Sowa

Dr. Phil -- This ham-faced TV doctor's show spun off from Oprah Winfrey's hugely successful estrogen-fest, and Phil coasted on Oprah's ratings to household name status.

Fail one: Doctor Phil is only kinda a doctor. He has a PhD in Psychology, so he's earned the title "doctor," but so have PhD's in Medieval Poetry, and no one asks them to solve personal problems.

Fail Two: Everything about his show: The Doctor Phil show consists of the bald-one giving homespun, meddlesome advice to a menagerie of crying, freakshow families desperate enough for help (or a free trip to Chicago) that they humiliate themselves before a national audience. Meanwhile, Phil's studio audience of clucking yentas spends the hour nodding their heads and silently feeling superior to the human wrecks on stage. Then someone is sent to boot-camp.

Fail Three: Dr. Phil's worst crime is continually hawking his workout and diet book while ignoring the fact that he himself is a certified-pork-fried fatty. Shame on you, Dr. Phil, you fat piece of spin-off fail!
--Stephen Johnson

America's Funniest People - As much as you may hate it, America's Funniest Home Videos (Now America's Funniest Videos, or as we call it around the office, AFV) was the original break.com--the first place you could see people getting slammed in the nuts or cats being silly or an old lady falling off a telephone pole onto a fence. It was a trailblazer. So, why then would they ruin the world by doing a show called America's Funniest People hosted by hack comedians who were decidedly not that. Dave Coulier, who was easy to plug into the Full House equation of Bob Saget + AFV = Comedy Gold, was the show's helmster. The twist was that they would go to malls all over America and get people to do whatever stupid "talent" they had for their cameras. You know, talent like crossing your eyes or wiggling your ears.

Here's how and why it fails: They were trying to capture the magic, instead of reviewing tapes of the magic happening out in the world. It was forced content that was stretched to the brink over the 22 minutes of painful emptiness that was that show. It ran for 4 years, made millions of dollars, and eventually spawned America’s Funniest Animals. Note: Sorry the image sucks, but apparently no one took any pictures from 1990-1994.
--Ty Colfax

CSI: Spin-offs: Jerry Bruckheimer is some sort of modern genius because he’s basically taken his hit show CSI and copied it twice. CSI Miami and CSI: NY are the exact same show that happen to take place in different cities. Featuring dialog that would never take place in real life, it comes off as hokey and false. Check out Dexter instead. CBS owns that, too.
--Brian Leahy

Honorable Mention (From Wikipedia):

Sabrina's Secret Life: Sabrina's Secret Life is a spinoff of Sabrina, the Animated Series, which was a spinoff of Sabrina, the Teenage Witch which was a spinoff of Sabrina and the Groovie Goolies which was a spinoff of The Archie Comedy Hour which was a sequel to The Archie Show.

Epic Fail: First Person Shooters

Thu, 22 May 2008 11:59:00 GMT

This week's Epic Fail lists the most epically failure-riffic First Person Shooters ever. It was inspired by the release of Haze, a much hoped-for PlayStation 3 exclusive that came out earlier this week and has failed to live up to fans' dreams. Such is life, and such are our Epic Fail First-Person Shooters.

Haze: This PlayStation 3 game isn't horrible, it's just totally generic, and was totally over-hyped. It's derivative and just, well, boring. So are most FPS that aren't Halo of course, but everyone just expected so much more from the team that brought us Goldeneye, especially when coupled with the interesting NECTAR idea. Such a good idea! Such "blah" implementation! Such a failure! Sorry, PlayStation 3 owners: This is not the game you were waiting for.
--Stephen Johnson

Darkwatch-- I can imagine the pitch meeting now. "Ok, picture this. A first person shooter western where you play as an undead vampire who's tasked with ridding the world of all the other vampires, zombies, and other assorted ghouls!" Piece of advice for those of you out there who work in game or film development, if a pitch meeting starts like this, call for security. The thing about 2005's Darkwatch is that the game isn't all that horrible, it's just the concept that make you want to slap the developers upside the head. This game actually could have been good. If they didn't take themselves so seriously and ran with the campy, over the top, ridiculousness of it all the laughter could have covered up the cheeze-ball groans. Instead, we're left with vampire cowboys. Way to go.
--Patrick Roche Sowa

America’s Army – It’s not that it’s a bad game, per se, but it’s a whole lot less fun killing fake people when you know that it’s just a set-up for you to go out and kill real people. In this case, it’s kind of a perfect deterrent to playing the game. Also, there’s a merit system. I don’t want merits for killing fake enemies, I just want to kill them. That’s why it’s so much better when the unseen enemy is alien or in the past…because there are no consequences. If there were, I’d just drop the gun and negotiate.
– Mike D’Alonzo

World Championship Paintball - Paintball in real life is simulated battle. First person shooter videogames are simulated battle. This Venn Diagram puts a paintball videogame right in the middle, doubling its distance from reality. Add to that, crap graphics, crap voice over work, crap controls, and super crap gameplay and you've got a game that fails on an epic scale. Go play real paintball and skip this bomb.
--Ty Colfax

Prey: Prey took 11 years to make, starting development in 1995 and finally releasing in 2006. It even started development at 3D Realms, the undisputed kings of never finishing games (Duke Nukem Forever!). After 11 years, we ended up getting a Doom 3 engine romp through an alien space ship with interesting gravity and portal mechanics. It largely fell under the radar, but sold well enough to get a sequel. After just a few months, the game dropped to $20 on Steam and out of the minds of the gaming masses.
--Brian Leahy

Honorable Mention:

Duke Nukem Forever: While it's technically possible that this game could live up to over a decade of hype, I wouldn't even bet your money on it.
--Stephen Johnson

Did we forget your least favorite? Let us know in the comments section.

Epic Fail: Epic Failures

Thu, 15 May 2008 11:23:00 GMT

Today's Epic Fail list is a variation on a theme; we're taking a look at things that everyone thought would be epic failures, but turned out to be huge successes, in other words, games, movies and TV shows that manages to succeed in spite of impossible odds.

Crackdown: Originally known as "the game you have to buy for the Halo 3 beta", Crackdown very quickly came into it's own. The day it was launched millions of Halo and Microsoft fanboys rushed stores to get their copy for a Halo 3 beta code. However, the beta wasn't open on day one, so people actually had to PLAY Crackdown to entertain themselves.

They soon discovered that not only is Crackdown fun, but it is a great game. Nothing complicated or high concept, just free-roaming, super-powered, non-stop destruction. It was a thing of beauty. The addition of hop in/out co-op made things even sweeter, and with future downloadable content like new characters, weapons, vehicles, and mini-games, Crackdown quickly moved from a game that everyone wrote off before they had even seen it to a must own for anyone with an Xbox 360.
--Patrick Roche-Sowa

The American Office: As a huge fan of the British version of The Office, I was extremely wary of NBC trying to recreate the show for American audiences. The original is a different type of humor than we normally see here, and the shows were a full 30 minutes, instead of the 22 we get here.

The first few episodes were painful as they tried to make them as close to the British version as possible. Things weren’t looking good, but then the show went in its own direction and developed its own characters. Now, the show is incredibly funny for different reasons.

It can also get pretty uncomfortable at times, too.
--Brian Leahy

Dancing With The Stars: We know you probably don't watch Dancing with the Stars, but a lot of people do. It's become one of those ubiquitous cultural landmarks, but If you think aback to when season one was announced, it's hard to believe this show lasted past the first episode. First off, some of the cast of season one really stretch the definition of the word "star"-- Trista Sutter, Kelly Monaco Joey McIntyre? Seriously? And secondly, the show is about ballroom dancing! What 21st Century person would watch that? But, even though this series was covered with the stink of failure, it managed to become a huge success. We're not sure why, of course.
--Stephen Johnson

Titanic: Not the boat, which was one of the great epic fails of all time, but the movie Titanic, which turned out to be the highest grossing film of all time. When it was first announced, everyone thought that Titanic was a pretty bad idea. Add to that the fact that no one had heard of Kate Winslet or Leonardo DiCaprio before that film, and that the biggest star in it was Kathy Bates, and you had a recipe for disaster.

Then, the film started shooting, and cost more money than any film ever made to that point. The numbers, in fact, were staggering. Now, I worked on the film, and I can tell you that it was a joke among the people who weren’t producing it that it was going to have to make $500 million to make back its money, and that there were no stars in it. Little did we know that it would make so much money that James Cameron has been able to, essentially, retire from the business. You might not like Titanic, but it’s pretty damn epic.

Australia - It started out as a gigantic prison for the virtuous, sprawling nation of Great Britain; a depository for their insane, criminal, and criminally insane. No one thought Australia would pan out. And yet here we are in 2008 and Australia has unleashed some of the greater things we now know and love; The Outback Steakhouse (subsequently the Bloomin' Onion,) Crocodile Dundee (only part 2, though,) Men at Work (the band not the movie, though the movie was great,) Nicole Kidman (hello,) Steve Irwin (goodbye,) and a long list of "Big" roadside landmarks including “The Big Bench” at Broken Hill (pictured above with people in semi-matching shirts.) So, yeah Australia turned out pretty damn good.
--Ty Colfax

Epic Fail: Too-Catchy Songs

Thu, 08 May 2008 11:50:00 GMT

Today's Epic Fail list is a departure: The following list of songs fail by being too catchy.

Songwriters aim for a certain amount of hookyness for their tunes, but some have the misfortune of over shooting the mark to the extent that they create monstrous melodies that, once heard, will never leave you head, even though you hate them.

We've collected the most egregious examples below, in no particular order, but feel free to add your own in our comment section. Behold: Epic Fail: Songs That Get Stuck In Your Head!

Chocolate Rain:

This song is viral, literally and figuratively. It seeps into your brain and never gets out, cycling over and over on a continuous loop of baritone and sadness. What's not so bad about this song getting stuck in your head is that it's not some annoying song you hear on the radio, it's Tay Zonday's original music he put up for free on youtube. However, the downside is that no one knows the lyrics to this marathon of a song, and since there's no chorus you end up singing "Chocolate Rain....dah dum dum dah dum dum dum dah dum dah, Chocolate Rain...dah dah dah soemthing something dah nah nah".
--Patrick Roche-Sowa

The Slinky Song

The Slinky Song," the catchy-as-hell jingle used to advertise the Slinky toy in the 70's. It's so catchy, in fact, that John K, the creator of Ren and Stimpy created a parody that's, in itself, almost as catchy with "Log," from the Ren and Stimpy Show.
--Michael D'Alonzo

Runnin' With the Devil - aka David Lee Roth Naked

This is one of the greatest songs the 80s produced, and to see the original video synched with a vocal-only track makes me cry with laughing joy. It's really the silences that make it.
--Ty Colfax

Gerry Rafferty, Baker Street

My love/hate with Gerry Rafferty’s “Baker Street” goes back to summer camp in 5th grade, when it was played incessantly on the am radio station our camp bus driver insisted on listening too. To this day I sometimes wake up screaming with the melody droning in my head over and over again. It’s insanely memorable…emphasis on the word “insane.” The sax and flute is this song makes me want to cry…and then kill…and then cry again…and then kill again. It’s so catchy it makes your head want to explode. Damn you, Gerry Rafferty. Damn you straight to hell!
--Frank Meyer

Air Supply: I'm All Out Of Love

.
G4 Interactive Level Boss Josh Krane often tries to set off terrible chain reactions in our office by whistling Air Supply's All Out Of Love. It works

Loverboy - Billy Ocean

My Mom used to sing and dance to this with my sister in the front seat and I hated them for it. Now, it gets stuck in my head and makes me want to murder aliens on Mos Eisley. Wonder why that is.
--Ty Colfax

Green Grass & High Tides

This song gets stuck in your head because you will play it for 3 straight weeks trying to beat it on expert in Rock Band and come very close to throwing your fake-plastic guitar through your very real glass window.
--Brian Leahy

The Rolling Stones-- Bitch

I'm not sure if it's the same droning lick that happens over and over again, or the presence of the horn line that never changes, but once that bitch gets into your head, it ain't coming out. Unless you use "Slinky," in whch case, you're f***ed.
--Michael D'Alonzo

Soup - The Mighty Boosh

This show is one of the funniest things I've ever seen but occasionally this stupid song gets stuck in my head, and it's so stupid, I have to regret having ears.
--Ty Colfax

John Jacob Jingleheimer Shcmidt

This children's classic was suggested by TheFeed MiniBoss Robt. Juster. It's pretty catchy and annoying, but the above version is adorable.

My Humps: Black Eyed Peas

Although it's fun to listen to G4's Michael D'Alonzo sing this one...
--Stephen Johnson

Epic Fail: Summer Blockbusters

Thu, 01 May 2008 12:13:00 GMT

It's almost summertime, and that means weenie roasts, vacations and summer blockbusters! Because we love nothing more than raining on parades, please enjoy TheFeed's list of the most epically fail blockbuster movies of all time.

Cloverfield: From the moment it was first advertised, I was really looking forward to Cloverfield, and the days leading up to the movie were fueled with all kinds of speculation as to what it would be. Then, I saw it. And what it would be, and what it is, is a giant, steaming pile of crap.

You kidding me? You can climb up the side of a leaning skyscraper to pull your girlfriend off of a piece of rebar and then ask her to run while gutted but miraculously unhurt only moments later? A monster can swat you out of the sky in a helicopter, but you won’t die from the fall? Really? I mean, REALLY? Also, you didn’t drop the frackin’ camera when the annihilation of millions of New Yorkers began? You held onto it…why? Because you’re self-absorbed and think that people care about what you think about the end of the world? Oh, and the army is going to have you in their possession, and then just sneak you out the back door of an emergency facility, just as long as you don’t break curfew? Gimme a break.

Cloverfield sucked. Yes, the monster was cool, but that was it, and you have to care about characters to care whether or not they live or die, and I just wanted to watch them die. Quickly. FAIL.
--Michael D'Alonzo

Epic Fail: The Spiderman Trilogy: Ok, I will admit I liked the first movie when I saw it for the first time. Key word: LIKED. I was a huge fan of the Spiderman comics as a kid, i think Tobey McGwyer is a great actor, and Sam Raimi has directed some of my favorite movies of all time. Throw in awesome special effects and an epic budget, that should equal cinema greatness, right? Wrong.

It was just "ok", and as if that wasn't disappointment enough, they had to make sequels. Now, the casting of Alfred Molina as Doc Oc made me very excited for where the movies were going, but the moment they made an actor of his caliber say things like "What's that...? Voices? In my head...?" they cut off their credibility at the knees. Then of course, we had to face the inevitable 3rd movie abortion that all blockbuster franchises have to force out like yesterday's bean and cheese burrito. I could go on and on about how horrible this movie was, so I'll just boil it down to the bare essentials; Nonsense plot, throw away additional characters, Spidey Night Fever, "How's the pie?", and F**KING RUINING VENOM, ONE OF THE GREATEST VILLAINS OF ALL TIME!!! 'Nuff said.
--Patrick Roche-Sowa

PlayStation 3: The Movie: One of the most successful franchises ever returns for a third go and there’s no way they can mess it up, right? The first two movies were loved by fans and made millions and millions of dollars. It’s a franchise that defined the genre. What am I talking about? Spider-Man? X-Men? No...

I’m talking about PlayStation 3: The Movie! This movie sucks! All of the things that made PS1 and PS2 great are missing. Half of the movie is straight out of The 360, the action-epic from rival studio, Microsoft. The scenes that they share look better in The 360, anyway. As for the exclusive scenes in PS3, they don’t last very long and don’t really make up for all the cross-movie sequences.

Plus, The 360 has better online play.
--Brian Leahy

Superman Returns: An innumerable number of Hollywood want-wits had their finger in Superman's pie during this film's looong development period, and it shows on every frame of the finished flick. It looks like it was made by a committee aiming to grow their stock portfolios with a a perfect "four quadrant" movie event; it doesn't look like anyone involved wanted to make some art (or even some quality entertainment.) As a result of its desperation to appeal to everyone, Superman Returns pleases no one but the most easily-amused yokel.

Among this movies many, many flaws:

The Romantic Sub-plot: Superman is a sensitive, non-threatening guy pining for his lost love, an appeal to the chick flick audience. I don't know about you, but if I were the most powerful man in the galaxy, I would take what I wanted. Emo Superman stinks.
Sequel confusion: Is this a sequel to 1978's Superman? You'd think so from Marlon Brando's appearance, but you'd think not from the rest of the movie.
No action: Most people would be able to overlook the lame plot line, obvious plot twists and other various and sundry horrors of Superman Returns if there had just been more action. Instead, we get a talky, schmaltzy, clunky Superman that never takes off. One decent set-piece in the beginning and Superman getting shot in the eye. Other than that, nothing cool happens for the movies interminably long running-time.
Super Baby: What needs to be said?

Give me the knowingly cheesy, ironic and tongue-in-cheek Superman of the 80s any day. At least exciting things happened in that movie...and Christopher Reeves was a man, baby, not some emo-punk like Bryan Singer.
--Stephen Johnson

Epic Fail: Grand Theft Auto

Thu, 24 Apr 2008 12:17:00 GMT

You can’t swing a dead hooker around the gaming world this week without hitting Grand Theft Auto IV. While the Grand Theft Auto series is among the most important (and most awesomest) series in gaming history, it’s not perfect—nothing is. Little annoyances within GTA’s games' nearly flawless worlds--errors that would be unnoticeable in lesser titles--are epically fail because even a little bit of stink sticks out in a rose garden.

Hence today’s topic: Epic Fail: Grand Theft Auto.

Car Surfing: Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas – This is one of those things that’s passed off as “cool,” when it really should have been passed off as a “glitch.” You know how you can jump onto the roof of a car while it’s still moving, and then the car will continue, as if the driver has no idea that there’s a living person on his/her roof, for as long as the drivers are endlessly, casually driving around the city? You know how, in real life, if there was someone on your car who had tried to pull you and/or hundreds of other people out of their cars on city streets that you’d do anything possible to get him off your car, or at least drive to where cops hang out? Doesn’t that seem lame to you? Yeah, me too.
Probability it's corrected in GTA IV: 90%
--Michael D'Alonzo

Zero Mission: GTA: San Andreas: These side missions from Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas are legendarily annoying. Plotwise, some nerd played by David Cross asks CJ to complete some very annoying missions with remote control helicopters. Gameplay wise, the controls are janked out, the camera sucks and the missions are nearly impossible because there isn't enough damn fuel. Plus, why am I, CJ Johnson, notorious gangleader and baddest mothertrucker in the tri-city area, even talking to a dweeb like Zero? I ought to be jackin’ that pale fool for his loot, curb-stomping him and running up in his mom, not playing with his toy helicopters…even if there are bombs attached.
Probability it's corrected in GTA IV: 99.99%
--Stephen Johnson

Hidden Packages: GTA III, Vice City, San Andreas: Some people love these things but they are basically a collection of artificial game length extenders. It also spawned the hell that is hidden orbs in Crackdown. This isn’t content, people. Don’t fall into their trap. Furthermore, who’s hiding these packages and why do they give you weapons in return? Everyone just ends up looking at guides online, anyway.

I’d rather have one more mission than all the hidden packages in the world. Fail.
Probability it's corrected in GTA IV: .001%
--Brian Leahy

Combat: (All games) We all love the GTA series because you get to run around an open city and play out your fantasies of being a violent criminal with aspirations of world domination. You get to carjack people, engage in gang warfare, amass an armada of weaponry, and yet, no matter what, the combat in all GTA games sucks more than Drew Barrymore after 6 martinis at a Strokes concert.

In every single installment in the GTA series so far (4 isn't out yet, remember?) the combat was beyond awful. The first games that used a top-down view were the first offenders, allowing you to spit forth a flopping tentacle of what one can only assume is supposed to be bullets. Players then generally swung around in circles, blanketing the area with a massive spray of ammunition.

Starting with GTA3 we saw a fully realized 3D world for the taking, but if you wanted to shoot anyone that was a different story. First, you have to stop moving, because no one can run and shoot guns at the same time, that's impossible. Then you had to make sure that the tiny little circle that you COULD shoot at was near the thing you wanted to die. If you were going after more than one person and they were surrounding you, you're pretty much screwed and may as well just start paying the hospital now.

Now, just to clarify, this is supposedly fixed in GTA4 with a whole new combat and cover system, but we haven't played it yet so we can't say for sure, although we have it on very good authority (wink, wink) that the combat is much improved from past games. One thing we do know is that it could hardly be any worse.
Probability it's corrected in GTA IV: 100%
--Patrick Roche Sowa

Tripping: Grand Theft Auto: Vice City: In Vice City, the good people at Rockstar introduced tripping. That's all fine and dandy when it's just an expression of the physics, but it becomes a problem when you lose a couple of points of health every time you trip. This is especially frustrating when you're involved in a chase with cops with just a couple of health points and then you trip -- Bam! Wasted! Fortunately, this issue was resolved with the PC version of Vice City and has not reappeared in any of the games since. An Epic Fail with a nice dismount.
Probability it's corrected in GTA IV: 95%
--Jonathan Hunt

69 Humor - If there's one thing I love about the Grand Theft Auto series, it's that III was the first game to make me genuinely laugh. Growing up, the humor in games was either non-existent or just lame. What fails in the franchise is when they go for the cheap laugh. Whenever there's a number, it's 69. People have names that sound like genitalia. Stores are named some obvious innuendo. I love the games and sometimes the humor is so perfect, I have to stop playing so I can just laugh. I just wish they stayed above the fold and didn't feel the need to go for such obvious and cheap laughs. It makes the rest of the funny stuff less funny.
Probability it's corrected in GTA IV: 0.0000000069%
--Ty Colfax

Epic Fail: Movie Adaptations

Thu, 10 Apr 2008 14:15:00 GMT

You can't expect Hollywood screenwriters to think of every movie. They gotta come from other sources, and, when the venerable, traditional sources of film's raw material (TV, Novels, Plays, Older Movies) runs out, filmmakers turn to other raw materials.

Below are the most egregious failures in film adaptations in the history of ever. It's personal, not comprehensive, so feel free to add your own in our comments section!

Silent Hill (Based on the videogames)

Step 1: Take a beloved franchise.
Step 2: Take the setting of the game and make everything else up.
Step 3: Throw in Pyramid Head.

This movie is an Epic Fail because it had so much potential. It even had a great start to it, but it’s like the film switched directors half-way through. The ending contained a sequence that basically tried to explain what was going on in a few minutes and I’m not even sure they knew what what going on in this terrible adaptation.
--Brian Leahy

Garbage Pail Kids Movie (Adapted from the collectible cards)

I’ve been actively pursuing awful films since the days of VHS, trolling dusty video stores and public access channels for the very worst of the worst of moviedom. I’ve discovered some unheralded masterpieces masquerading as low budget exploitation (Christmas Evil, The Stepfather) but mostly pure schlock (Sorority Girls Revenge, Santa Claus Conquers the Martians). Schlock or not, there’s something to love in all films, whether it’s the weird enthusiasm and mid-western “Let’s put on a show!” vibe of Cornman: American Vegetable Hero or the so-unexpectedly-over-the-top-and-ridiculous-it’s-infectious vibe of Death Wish 5. I’ve only found a single film in my lifetime of bad-movie watching that has absolutely no redeeming qualities at all, and that film is The Garbage Pail Kids Movie.

GPK is the first feature filmed based on collectible cards with drawings of horrible children on them, which is epically fail in itself. Who could have possibly believed that a briefly popular trend in schoolyards would make a viable film franchise? Sure, you could see a parent begrudgingly shelling out a couple quarters for a pack of cards with pictures of a vomiting freakshow (Valerie Vomit) or a flatulent punk (Windy Winston), but expecting that parent to sit through 90 minutes of the Kids on a 40-foot screen is something entirely different. But even if little Dylan managed to wheedle his parents into taking him to mall to check it out, he's much more likely to be plagued with a lifetime of nightmares than be mildly entertained.

Garbage Pail Kids' architects seem not to have noticed that the movie is a vision of living hell. While the cards were kind of funny in the schoolyard, seeing stylized, cutesy drawings of grotesques is not the same as watching their huge, misshapen heads actually interacting in a realistic setting--considering a physical existence for the titular abominations is truly twisted, and the fact that the filmmakers seem blithely unconcerned makes for a disjointed, surrealistic hell-ride.

The Garbage Pail kids are abominations that should not be allowed to live. For example, Ali Gator (har har), one of the main Garbage Pail Kids (who is not actually a kid but rather an Alligator) enjoys biting people’s toes off. He wears a Hawaiian shirt in an attempt to appear lovable, but it doesn’t work. When he walks around expressing his one desire to eat peoples feet, it's not funny or gross, it's just ...wrong. Ali is an animal that wants to bite people’s feet apart, for God's sake. Kill it! He and his paper mache, farting, pustulent brethren serve only to horrify and disgust in a truly soul destroying way.

It's way too scary for the intended audience of children, but while the creep factor is too frightening for the kiddies, the sub-moron script is just too dumb for any but the most developmentally disabled child.

But the most horrifying thing in the movie is Mackenzie Astin, an 80s kid actor who performs as if his overbearing stage mother is standing right off-screen with a cattle prod. He cries throughout the movie and has some unspeakable romance with a lady in Spandex with teased hair and too much eye shadow. Then there's the plot...

...I'm sorry, I can’t write about this anymore. While I could keep ranting all day, it hurts my mind to think about this movie. But it's epically fail. Epically, I tells ya!
--Stephen Johnson

Fast Food Nation (Adapted from the Book)

Sure, it's no big surprise that the adaptation of a best-selling book was a disappointment at the box office. That stuff happens all the time. But wasn't some John Grisham legal thriller or Stephen King shockfest. No, this book was different. Fast Food Nation was an expose, akin to Upton Sinclair's The Jungle, where the country's fast food industry was the focus rather than the meat industry of Chicago. Director Richard Linklater tried to turn this industrial expose into series of narrative vignettes, but the movie never really took off. The fail here was not in the filmmaking per say, or in the writing of the source material, but simply in the selection of source material. Not everything can translate to narrative film, and Fast Food Nation is exactly that. Noble effort, but Epic Fail.
--Jon Hunt

Superstar: Dare to Dream (Adapted from Molly Shannon's SNL Mary Catherine-Gallagher character.)
It's one thing to create a one-dimensional wacky character for an SNL sketch. It's another to repeatedly pound that character into the show and the national consciousness in a relentless metronome-like pattern for years on end. Add to that the fact that this two-joke pony (smelling her armpits and jumping through a wall) was eventually adapted for one of the worst movies of all time and you can understand why this failed character is so hated. Not to mention the troves of girls getting into comedy that imitated her in an effort to outfit their comedy toolbelt, only to find crickets in the improv audition room. I want to shoot this character in the face a hundred times for representing everything lame in comedy.
Also, please read this review of Superstar from "Teri." The font choice alone is hilarious.
--Ty Colfax

Monopoly: The Movie (adapted from the boardgame)

Yes, this is real, and yes, Sir Ridley Scott has been rumored to be the director.

What would you have in a movie based on the board game Monopoly? I’m guessing at some point, someone will go to jail, and someone will come and just visit them. Obviously, there will be a scene in which someone wins second place in a beauty pageant, and is given $10. Also, how will they deal with passing Go? This is literally incomprehensible as a film project. Still, they better base it in Atlantic City, New Jersey, or I’m going to bust some f***ing skulls.
--Michael D'Alonzo

Epic Fail Thursday: 2008 April Fool's Gags

Thu, 03 Apr 2008 14:01:00 GMT

April Fool's Day is a day to pull pranks. It's a day to get clever and make people think something that just isn't true. It's a day Type B personalities love and Type Aers just can't stand. Many of the gags that happened earlier this week on April 1 were quite amusing. They didn't go too far, they were well-thought out and executed comments on society, or they were just plain harmless leg-pulling. Some of them, however were uninspired, ill-advised, or down right stupid. Here, we present, TheFeed's list of those that disappointed us in a most epic way.

"Kaketaku" - For April Fools, Kotaku did a series of articles about cake under the fake name “Kaketaku”. Now, we love Kotaku, but really? Yes, Portal was great and we all had a laugh at the cake joke, but it’s been done to death already. This joke falls on the side of obvious fake-ness and made many of us roll our eyes. There was no added level of “is it true?” to this one. One article might have worked, but 10 articles about the same joke gets old.
- Brian Leahy

Dungeons and Dragons Does Away With Dice - The big joke for D&D this year involved releasing documents from the upcoming 4th Edition that seemingly does away with dice in place of a series of rock, paper, scissors contests. I'm sure some of the more novice elements of the D&D-verse had a hearty laugh over Wizards of Coast's April jest; however, I for one could not bring myself to even crack a smile at what would surely be the death knell for the greatest adventure mankind has ever embarked on. Not funny, Wizards! Your humor has cost your Charisma -2.
-Jonathan Hunt

TSA Fury - On a personal note, I had to fly on April 1st and the departure was very early in the morning. I'm waiting in line to get my boarding pass and driver's license checked by the TSA at 5 am. I get to the guy. He looks at my id, looks at me, looks at the boarding pass and says, "You know this is for tomorrow right?" I immediately panicked. Then I caught myself right as he was saying, "Awww I gotcha, April Fool's." At which I wanted to reply, "Listen, Ashton! There's no joking at the security checkpoints. This is very serious busin -- 9/11 changed everything. Don't you know that? Did you forget 9/11? Did your colors run? 9/11… changed… everything! FAIL!"
I wanted to say that, but I also didn't want get my inner areas searched by a glorified security guard with a GED and a fancy costume.
- Ty Colfax

Clinton's Not Funny - Rule number one: never EVER let a career politician try to tell a joke. This is seriously painful to watch. I can't tell if she was trying to go for a somber, serious tone as to add to the joke and failed miserably or if she didn't understand that what she was reading was meant to be funny. She doesn't stop with the bowling joke, she goes even FURTHER attempting to poke fun at herself and the phrases her campaign has used, and she can't even get that right. This clip should get constant rotation on the news networks, that way we'll know that a vote for Hilary is a vote for that specific kind of cringe-worthy ear pain for at least the next 4 years. [video below]
- Patrick Roche-Sowa

Foo Fighters Down Under - The Rock, a radio station in Auckland, New Zealand, didn’t even get to do their April Fool’s joke before it failed. They advertised a special, secret Foo Fighters show in a public square at 8:30AM on the 1st, where they were planning on playing a tape (I guess they don’t have CD’s in New Zealand) of the band. So many people showed up that it disrupted the public activity in the area, and the station had to announce their joke and apologize on air. Now, that’s a fail, even on the other side of the world.
- Mike D'Alonzo