Today is Valentine’s Day, which means I get to fantasize about my video game boyfriends from the past year, which is like the hardest post to ever write because how can I pick only FIVE when there are so many fictional characters I want to have babies with? I said “have,” not “make” because babies are the best. I’ll also take making out, cuddling, and holding hands if available.

Warning: Expect lots of seizure inducing love notes.

Nathan Drake, Uncharted 3: Drake’s Deception

I know. Nathan Drake again? Listen, I have a really good reason. For one thing, he’s hot. Secondly, he’s still on my list because of his latest adventures in Uncharted 3, which I thoroughly enjoyed because it’s like one of the few times in my life where I can actually control men. Third, he’s like the Ryan Gosling of video games. Add in a swashbuckling Nathan Drake to any game and you’ve got tons of gamer girls (and guys) swooning as he rides a horse through the Sahara Desert or fights an Irish thug in a pub.

I still haven’t figured out what the deception part is. Was he being deceived? Or was he deceiving others? What does deception have to do with treasure hunting? OMG, this is so confusing! Trust me, when Nathan Drake finally comes to his senses and updates his Facebook profile to list me in a relationship, there will be no deception going on here.

Catwoman, Batman: Arkham City

I don’t really care about Batman. I also don’t really care about bats because bats are gross. But cats? Um, yeah! Plus, Batman totally has way too much baggage to be a good boyfriend. Like, I know your parents died and even though you’re totally loaded, I’d rather be with someone who’s got their life together - like Catwoman. She also never leaves home without her claws and whips in Batman: Arkham City. I’m a big fan of multi-purpose fashion accessories and did you know BDSM is hot in fashion right now? Also, do you think she’d let me borrow her suit on her nights off?

Jace Stratton, Gears of War 3

Dear Dom, please forgive me.

I have to bump you off this list because a) you’re dead and b) I wasn’t sure what was going on between you and Marcus in Gears of War 3. I’m not outright saying anything but you guys seemed like, really, really, really, really close. Like, that kind of close that everyone thinks is really sweet and touching until you’re like, “dude, okay, we get it.” You guys are besties. I could cut the sexual tension in that game with a dull retro lancer. This is just to say that it’s you, not me, and I’m moving on with Jace Stratton. I got to know him really well after playing him in the game and his courageous demeanor in RAAM’s Shadow really impressed me. He saved an orphanage! That’s so cute. And what did you do? You died. Ugh.

Female Commander Shepard, Mass Effect 3

FINALLY! A woman can save the universe! Sure, FemShap is just the female version of Commander Shepard, which probably means they just put some boobs on him (just kidding!), but I’d still hit it. She may be a ginger - and we all know the truth about gingers - but with that sexy bob, that skintight suit and heroic compassion against the Reapers and boobs? Yes, please! Bring on Mass Effect 3!

Geralt of Rivia, The Witcher 2: Assassins of Kings

At first I wasn’t sure if I’d actually go out with Geralt from Witcher 2. For one thing, he has a scar on his face and stuff like that is really hard to Photoshop out in your Facebook profile pics that you upload with captions like “<3 <3 4EVER” just to make all of your friends jealous that you have the greatest life ever. What, you don’t do that? Secondly, isn’t he kind of like a slut? I’m not saying sluts are bad things, but if I’m looking to have babies with someone for the rest of my life, I’m not sure if a guy who collects sex cards after each roll in the hay is the right guy for me.

On the other hand, he’s a knight and he hunts monsters for a living. Like, that is really cool. Can you imagine telling your best friend from high school that? “Hey, your boyfriend may an investment banker with a million dollar payroll, but my boo fights supernatural monsters, so whatever!”

All right, universe. I put my list of potential boyfriends (and girlfriends) out there. According to The Secret, you’re supposed to make all my dreams come true. I’ll be sitting here in my cubicle, waiting for the floral arrangements and boxes of chocolates to arrive.

Who’s on your list of video game hotties for Valentine’s Day?