This year we’re counting down the Top 5 Loves That Can Never Be. Forget that Mario and his forlorn Princess. Let Link and Zelda take the night off. This list is dedicated to couples in other games and sometimes in the same one who could never quite get it together, but would make the perfect couple if they ever did. To all of you lonely hearts, broken hearts, and forever alones out there, be assured that love still happens even if you have to make it happen.
5. Nathan Drake (Uncharted series) & Lara Croft (Tomb Raider series)
How could these two not be together? They must have met once at some sort of Archeology/Ancient Urn Bashing Meeting. Drake clumsily starts off with joke. Lara smiles, but her stuffy English upbringing makes it impossible for her to laugh out loud. He thinks he failed as he sulks away trying to call Sully for advice. Lara worries that she’s come off too cold and wonders why people keep trying to put a “U” in her first name. Maybe they keep missing each other by days at ancient temples. Who do you think leaves all the packages of ammo and ropes behind?
Valentine’s Date: A couple’s date out to gun range then to South America, Russia, and the Lost City of Atlantis.
Being the most annoying character to come out a Final Fantasy series is no small feat. Finding a date for Valentine’s Day might be a greater one. Meet Vanille. She’s cute, always getting into trouble, and has a voice that has more accents than her hair has highlights. If there trouble were just around the corner, Vanille would rush headlong into it to give it a big hug. She’s going to need someone with and ocean of patience, someone who can take care of her, and doesn’t care too much about getting a word into any conversation. Vanille needs a Big Daddy.
Valentine’s Date: Some place by the ocean, just don’t let Fang know where they’re going.
3. Ezio Auditore (Assassin’s Creed series) & Batman (Batman: Arkham City)
We’re bringing together the two biggest assassins in gaming to create the ultimate power couple. With these two working side by side, every villain in the world would fall dead without so much as a peep. Their love would scale the highest towers and live on in the darkest of shadows. And in the morning, we would find the two greatest forces in the world holding each other in a pile of hay. And as we all know, Batman is never the little spoon.
Valentine’s Date: Someplace dark, quiet, and with lots of bad guys. Try not to bring up any family issues.
2. GLaDOS (Portal series) & SHODAN (System Shock series)
What? You’ve never heard of computer dating? When two killer female AI programs get together they can only make sweet MIDI music and lots of neurotoxin. These two rogue AI programs come from the same code as they try to strip away humanity one insignificant human at a time. This is the greatest LAN party just waiting to happen.
Valentine’s Date: At a nice Cyber Café trying to kill people.
Finally, we get to the greatest power couple that can never be – The Heavy and The Medic. They are the deadly Laverne and Shirley of the multiplayer world. Every time the Medic Ubercharge, the Heavy’s heart skips a beat. Mainly, that’s from the rush of adrenaline entering his blood stream and thinning out his aorta walls, but it also could be love. Sure, the Heavy has his guns and the Medic has his science, but what they really need is each other. And the intel. Blu Team has the Intel. Go get’em boys!
Valentine’s Date: Trying to capture a control point while giving each other that look from across the field. Oh, you know which look I’m talking about.