While this Sunday millions will be tuning into the big game to check out every bone-crushing sack and every beautiful spiral out in Lucas Oil Stadium, there are those less fortunate few – Payton Manning, Kyle Williams, and Tim Tebow – who will be watching from the sidelines. Their hands will clinch with every throw and mouth mime the words of every play called. If Tebow ever believed in football hell, then this must be it. Instead of turning on the TV this Sunday, those players not making the trip to Indiana would be better off turning on their consoles instead.
We here at G4TV.com are a forgiving lot. Instead of reveling in the misfortunate of players having to take to the sidelines we’ve kept warm for so long, it’s time that we take pity on our sporty brothers. Welcome to the club, boys! We’ve picked out a selection of games just for you to pass the couple of hours it takes for the Super Bowl to run its course. Maybe it’s time to let your thumbs take a heavy beating.
Tim Tebow – Dante’s Inferno
The golden boy who could do no wrong found a power that even the heavens couldn’t overcome – the New England Patriots. Broken and forlorn, the once mighty warrior will trudge through limbo and pre-season just to reach that majestic Super Bowl next year. That’s why Dante’s Inferno will be perfect for the quarterback with his eye towards the skies and his feet firmly on the ground. Powering through the seven deadly sins to find his beloved, Tebow can relive the struggle of the season one level of hell at a time. I can assure you that the hordes of hell will be kinder than a room full of reporters after a losing streak.
Payton Manning – Mortal Kombat
Broken bones. Pain. X-Rays all over the place. And that was just Manning’s September. The mighty quarterback with a broken neck might feel a small bit of relief breaking the necks of others in the latest Mortal Kombat game. As long as his thumbs are still working, Manning can get to work breaking his opponents bone-by-brittle bone as he works his way through the robust storyline or up the challenge tower. Sure, he’s probably had enough time on the sidelines, but with this bloody fighting game, he can get right back into the action.
Billy Cundiff – Dance Central 2
We all make mistakes. When you do it on national television, it’s hard to hide from it. Maybe it’s time to turn to something that let you get back in shape and sends you fewer death threats, like Dance Central 2. The game that makes you feel like a star by shaking your groove thing may be what the doctor ordered after missing those kicks. You can learn new moves to dozen of the hottest songs around, get some of your teammates into the game, and maybe set up a dance routine for every touchdown. Or maybe you should just go back to practicing your kicking.
The Colts (The Whole Team) – Star Wars: The Old Republic
Who’s up for a flashpoint? Get the whole team together as we take on a whole galaxy of planets with their own stories and adventures to be explored. Let’s go flying around the universe. Let’s build up our crew, craft weapons, and sink days into exploring Star Wars: The Old Republic. There’s no need to open the shades on the window to see the people streaming through the streets towards the stadium to watch the Super Bowl. The biggest game of the season may be playing in your stadium and you ended things with a less than stellar record, but Hoth is calling your name. Like an eviscerated tauntaun, let’s bury ourselves into the warm, sticky embrace of The Old Republic.
Kyle Williams – The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim
I used to be a footballer like you, until I took a football to the knee. (It was on February 3, 2012 that The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim's "arrow to the knee" joke was finally laid to rest. Beaten to death by what witnesses account as thousands of bloggers, writers, and unoriginal nerds around the world; we hope that this once simple throwaway line can find some comfort in the great hereafter. May we always remember his easy smile and ability to fit into any situation by ending with the phrase, "...until I took an arrow in the knee." Always remember the good times we shared. The "arrow to the knee" joke leaves behind a small family of "The Cake is a lie" and "Ramerez, do everything!" All proceeds will go to comedy lessons for everyone.)