As you probably know, our video game deathmatch for best game of 2011 is in full flower. We're nearing the end of the line, and only eight blockbustin' games are left. We need to you to vote to help us decide.
To try and sway your opinion, Attack of the Show web-personage Moye Ishimoto and I have destroyed our friendship over whether Portal 2 is a better game than Elder Scrolls 5: Skyrim. Read on to see how the two of us nerds duke it out in a battle of epic proportions.
STEVE: Moye, Skyrim is a way better game than Portal 2. This is a fact. It's a point that doesn’t need to be argued. Like the rights defined in the Declaration of Independence, it is self-evident, so I’m not going to waste everyone’s time, or any of the electrons that make up the Internet, proving a fact. Instead, I’ll focus on you as a person.
Moye, I have always enjoyed your company. I admire your work and your sunny disposition. Once, I even had you and your husband over to my home to watch Rosemary’s Baby and eat a lamb shank. Your husband and I share an affection for clunky glasses and the films of Gaspar Noe. You are both delightful conversationalists and polite house guests. My wife has a girl-crush on you. But if I could, I would go back in time and rescind my invitation. I can’t believe someone who thinks Skyrim is worse than Portal 2 has been in my home, where my child sleeps. You are dead to me now. (Brandon, however, is coming over later this week to watch I Walk Alone.)
MOYE: For the record, I never stated that Skyrim was worse than Portal 2. I simply said that having a game revolve around the genocide of poor, innocent dragons was tasteless, rude and reptilist. Also, having a game that revolves around picking locks and doing favors for people who are apparently too incompetent to do anything themselves is stupid. Skyrim is just not as great as Portal 2. Note: I still did not use the word “worse.”
Why not play a game that requires actual problem solving skills, great wit and an easily recognizable British accent? I mean, really. Can you recognize any actor in Skyrim? Nothing can top Wheatley. Also, I heard some guy use a hick accent in Skyrim. Seriously? Why would you want to play a game that takes place in a magical land where hicks live? That’s like having hicks show up in Assassin’s Creed or something. Does playing Skyrim make you feel smart like Portal 2 does? No. In fact, playing Skyrim should make you feel ashamed: killing mystical and legendary creatures like dragons is mean. Also, who the hell wants to be a Bard? It’s 2011. Get a job at the Genius Bar or something.
Stephen, I will take the higher road and not insult you personally. For one thing, I do that enough in real life and secondly, I have a girl-crush on your wife, too, so I’m hoping that by not making fun of you, I’d still have a chance with her.
STEVE: Your semantic voodoo won't work on me. If something is "not as great as" something else, it is, by definition, "worse." But speaking of my wife, she clearly enjoyed watching me play Portal 2 more than she enjoyed watching me play Skyrim. She even picked up the controller and tried to play co-op. With Skyrim, she just kind of rolls her eyes and mutters “I guess it’s for work.” If this was a "do people's wives like it?" contest, Portal 2 would be a contender. So maybe you and my wife should get together and play Portal 2. You’re made for each other. Stand on your heads and pick daisies for all I care. I don’t need you. I don’t need anyone. I don’t need anything. Except... Skyrim.
I can get married in Skyrim, probably to a damn elf or something. Try marrying an elf in Portal 2. Doesn’t work, does it? Skyrim is teh betterest game, and when the votes are all counted, I will prove victorious and I will lord my victory over you for all times.
MOYE: Okay, let’s be realistic. Skyrim will probably win, but only because the world is full of idiots. Did you hear about that lady who pepper sprayed everyone in line for Black Friday deals? Did you watch that news report on the dangers of Pedobear stickers? I rest my case.
Also, why would you want to marry an elf? They live to be thousands of years old. That’s like thousands of years of nagging, silent treatment, bills, trying to find the perfect gift that will never satisfy her on Valentine’s Day and “Sorry I have a headache” excuses. Good riddance. I’ll be over here playing with your wife’s portals. So who’s the winner now?
STEVE: I guess I’ll just rent a basement apartment where roaches and gout are my only companions... but I’ll still have Skyrim, the perfect substitute for human interaction, and the presumptive winner of our 2011 Videogame Deathmatch.
Show us who you think proved their case by visiting our Videogame Deathmatch 2011 page and picking Skyrim or Portal 2, then vote on the rest of the fights! Only you can pick the winner.