The second week of G4's epic cinenaste slug-fest, Videogame Movie Deathmatch, is in full swing and we're seperating the lame movies-based-on-video-games from the good ones... or at least the less-lame ones.
Video game movies aren’t always the finest examples of cinema but that doesn’t mean they’re not a hell of a good time. Having a favorite video game movie is like having a guilty pleasure you don’t want to tell people about, like how you still watch SpongeBob even though you’re contributing member of society who pays his taxes. TheFeed's consigleire Stephen Johnson hates Prince of Persia almost as much as reveiws editrixie Dana Vinson loves it, so we locked them in room together to fight it out. Here's the matchup. Below is the fight!
STEVE: I don’t even care about Pokemon The First Movie, but my hatred of Prince of Persia: Sands of Time is so utterly complete, I’d defend any movie on earth against it. Prince of Persia is more than just a terrible movie, it’s the single. worst. movie. I. have. ever. seen. And I’ve seen a lot of bad movies.
Here’s a partial list of things that are better than Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time.
1) Monkey Pox
2) Biting the inside of your cheek, and then there’s a little flap of cheek-skin just hanging there
3) When you find out you had marker on your pants like halfway through the day (inside joke)
4) Space Shuttle Challenger disaster
5) sitting in a parking lot and eating dirt
5) Penis vs. Zipper accident
6) Shark personalities
7) G4’s preview editor Jake Gaskill
8) Micromanagers and the people who love them
10) People who say, “I’m not a racist, but...” right before they say the most racist thing in the world
11) People who are so defeated by life that they don’t change the batteries in their smoke detectors even though there’s a high-pitched “chirp” every 45 seconds
12) Esophageal cancer
13) Michael Jackson dying twice
I could go on...
DANA: I’m not a racist, but I really liked Prince of Persia. It was a fun, action-filled romp, and as far as video game movies go, it’s one of the best. The production values are top notch, because Disney believed in the franchise enough to actually give them the money to make a good movie. So you can go on and on with your lists, Stephen, but it doesn’t change the fact that Prince of Persia blows Pokemon out of the water.
STEVE: Prince of Persia is worse than:
14) Water torture
15) FIRE torture
16) Did I say “Esophageal cancer?” because that’s better than Prince of Persia.
17) Jay Leno
18) When baby seals are clubbed to make Viagra out of their pelts
19) Monsters in closet
20) Pokemon: The First Movie...
DANA: Steve, why don’t you tell these good people why you really hate Prince of Persia, hrm? Don’t worry, I’ll tell them.
For those of you who don’t know, the G4 offices are located in Los Angeles, CA, or as we like to call it, the center of the celebrity universe. One day, a long long time ago, Steve Johnson and I were going out to enjoy a delicious lunch. Steve drove. As we pulled into the parking lot, Steve was doing that old man thing where he wasn’t really paying attention and was quickly drifting towards a group of unarmed pedestrians standing in the parking lot. Visions of ambulances and Inside Edition flashed through my mind as I tried to get Steve’s attention, “Steve,” I said quietly.
No response. He had to see that group of people he was going to hit, right? He can’t be that oblivious. “Steve,” I said again, louder. “Steve! Steve!” The intensity grew until finally he snapped out of it and slammed on the brakes and came to stop about five feet from where the group was standing.
I felt like I had done my good deed for the day, when suddenly, one of the men standing there turned to look at me. He smiled. He said, “Dana, you saved my life,” with his smoldering eyes. The breath left my body as I realized that Steve Johnson had tried to hit Jake Gyllenhaal with his car and I had stopped him. I felt like this was my moment. I could have jumped out of the car and yelled, “JAKE! I SAVED YOU JAKE!” and to thank me, he would have ravaged me on the hood of Steve’s car, but alas, I just sat there and smiled a shy smile and blushed as the car rolled safely on.
Steve could have put an end to Prince of Persia right there, in that West Los Angeles parking lot, but I was there -- a defender of justice and good movies -- to stop him.
STEVE: I’m not sure I believe in psychic powers, or God, or Switzerland or anything, but on that day, before Prince of Persia was even a terrible screenplay in some hack’s PC, the Spheres of Existence were coming together to stop the production of this movie. I was meant to be a Divine Instrument of Justice, tasked with killing that hateful hobbit before he could star in PoP, before he could destroy cinema by trying to be a leading man in such a horrible movie, before everyone suffered their horrible, post-Prince-of-Pesia fate.
I was chosen, Dana Vinson. It was my destiny... And you stopped me.
But you won’t stop me twice. With the help of all good people on G4tv.com, we’ll finish the job you ruined, and kill Jake Gyllenhaal. This time for good... or, at least, kill Prince of Persia from our movie contest.
Anyway, Pokemon are adorable.
DANA: Look, while you’re trying to catch them all, I’ll be forwarding my account of how I saved Jake’s life in that parking lot to his publicist, and surely he will see a picture of me and think, “Oh yes, I must meet this girl.” Then Jake and I will fall in love and have the cutest babies with great abs, and Maggie and I will become best buddies and it will rain lolly pops.
Prince of Persia is so much better than Pokemon. The End
Help settle this argument, reader! Vote for your favorite on our Videogame Movie Deathmatch page!