Today, July 6, is International Kissing Day. Hooray! My favorite holiday that I swear I knew was coming and is also a totally real, not made-up thing! However, being as I am forever alone and have no one to internationally kiss, I thought it might be fun to share in my pain with this list of the best video game kisses. Enjoy while I cry.
Mario & Peach – The Classic Kiss
When you think of video game couples, no one springs to mind more than Mario and Princess Peach. There’s a problem with this seeming idyllic couple though: they lack any real passion.
That simply won’t do on International Kissing Day, where the idea is to show we appreciate the kiss; that we don’t take it for granted. I should know, I totally knew about this holiday and didn’t just find out about it three hours before writing this.
Still, look at how Mario blushes when he gets that sisterly peck on the nose. After braving lava pits, giant crystal spiders, ghosts, fire-breathing dinosaurs, spiked death traps, drowning… What a good friend you are, Mario. And I don’t think Peach or I want to ruin our special friendship. You’re cool with a peck on the cheek, right?
Commander Shepard & Everyone Else – The Slutty Kiss
Look, we love Commander Shepard here. He or she is our favorite sci-fi hero or heroine of all or most time! But there’s no denying that the galaxy’s biggest living can of Reaper repellant gets around.
FemShep can’t even ask for weapon upgrades without sounding like a sexed-up, breathless hussy, and John Shepard is a huge rebound artist, drawn to women with huge emotional issues. Tali can’t experience physical contact, Miranda doesn’t know who she is beyond a voluptuous Playmate bred to kill, and Jack is… well, Jack.
And no matter what you want your vision of Shepard to have in their pants, the only time things get physical is right before a life-threatening mission! Can you imagine the awkward morning after? “Oh, hey Miranda. Look, I was pretty sure the Collectors were gonna kill us all or at least you and… uh… hoo boy, how to put this…”
Jimmy Hopkins & The Blond Kid – The Controversial/Gay Kiss
So what if the game Bully is about being an individual and asserting your personality in defiance of an abusive education system and socially-damaging teenage culture that seeks to control and turn an expressive young man’s mind into an obedient pile of goo? We’ve gotta keep the gays away from our kids!
Or at least, that’s what the infamous anti-video game lawyer (now disbarred) Jack Thompson seemed to be going for when the game released. In an email sent, according to Thompson, to “every major news organization in America and the UK,” the now-disbarred and disgraced (did I mention he got disbarred?) Thompson taunted, “We just found gay sexual content in Bully, as Jimmy Hopkins makes out with another male student. Good luck with your 'Teen' rating now…”
Oh, the humanity! Someone save us! Teens kissing are totally fine but once they’re of the same sex, we’ve got to make sure only adults age 17 and up can see such content! Change scares us! Hsssssssssss…
John & Abigail Marston – The Doomed Love Kiss
Hopefully I don’t ruin this for you like the Internet ruined it for me, and you already know exactly how the Red Dead Redemption ending goes. If not, then I am truly sorry partner. But you can still save yourself! Go on, git! Hyah! Off into the sunset with ya!
Now, for those remaining: When John finally comes home after the increasingly ludicrous set of events that RDR puts players through, there is a glimmer of hope. Marston is reunited with his loving wife Abigail and son Jack and the game actually continues for a good while. You look at the sun rising and think, “I am a father and a husband. I am no longer a criminal, no longer a killer.”
And then fifty dudes show up and shoot the hell out of your ranch, and to save your family you make some tough choices, just after giving Abby one last kiss and a heart-wrenching goodbye. Karma, man. It sucks.
Yuna & Tidus – The Fantasy Kiss
I am not one for sappy romance movies. I don’t like most of them, never have, probably never will. But there is something that calls to me, deep inside. Something that I imagine calls to many of you, as well. It reaches up to our hearts and pulls us, pleading, “go and kiss de girl. Oh, and preferably in de rain or de water, if it’s not too much trouble.”
The scene from Final Fantasy X where Yuna and Tidus finally lock lips is ripped straight from a Danielle Steel novel. Or Stephanie Meyer. Or Nicholas Sparks. Or some kind of romantic, Frankenstein’s monster combination of all three. It’s just too damn cute and sweet and d’aawwwwwwwwww, just lookit ‘em!!
Sad part is, just like Leia and Luke realized all too late that their kiss was a little too close to home, it isn’t until near the end of FFX you realize Yuna would probably go to jail for necrophilia in our world, because Tidus is dead. Or a ghost. Or a dream. Or a dead ghost of a dream. Look, whatever. Point is, it’s cute while it lasts.
Kind of like International Kissing Day. Hope you had a good one. If not, then get snogging already!