Are you aware of the impending William and Kate Royal Wedding “situation” in Britain? I bet you are. It’s everywhere; you can’t pick your nose without pulling out a crown-shaped booger.
If somehow you are blissfully unaware (How did you manage that? Do you live in a bunker? Are you the PlayStation Network? Let me know.) Tomorrow morning, the dashing Prince William (son of the Late Princess Diana and Charles, Prince of Wales) and his beautiful fiancée Kate Middleton are getting married.
Kate is considered a commoner and met William while studying at the University of St. Andrews in Scotland in 2001. Now, in this particular case, “commoner” means her parents were millionaires, which afforded her the luxury of doing sit-ups and waiting for the Prince of England to marry her, but I do hear that she had to eat the cheap caviar while at University. Ouch.
But seriously, they seem pretty cool, and the whole thing is as close to a Cinderella story as we’re probably going to get. To commemorate the joyous occasion, I’ll be talking about my five favorite princesses from videogames and their dream weddings. Normally, I’d pair them up with a likely mate, but in homage to the Royal Wedding, I’m going to enter my own fantasy-land, and pair them up with a commoner from their world who they should marry instead (sorry Zelda and Link). Here comes the bride…
Princess Peach Toadstool – Princess of the Mushroom Kingdom from Mario
Who She Is: Princess Peach is the most celebrated and loved princess in gaming. She has reigned peacefully over the Mushroom Kingdom for over twenty-five years (You’d never know it though. Virtual botox is a gift from God.) and has a knack for getting kidnapped by Bowser and floating through levels with her poofy pink dress. She’s not the most fashionable Princess - that pink dress looks like something an intern on Pretty in Pink made - but her subjects love her, and love to save her again and again.
Commoner She Should Marry: Toad. Toad is Peach’s most loyal servant and probably cares more about her than any other character in the entire Mushroom Kingdom, including that overrated plumber Mario. It’s always Toad who tells Mario about Peach getting kidnapped, and even though he’s not strong or courageous, he’s adorable and kind and loving, and does everything he can and more to repeatedly help Mario save Peach through giving him items and advice. Plus, he probably won’t flinch when herself while giving birth to their children (look it up), and that’s the kind of guy you want to say “I Do” to.
Princess Zelda – Princess of Hyrule from The Legend of Zelda
Who She Is: Princess Zelda is probably the second most loved princess in the world of gaming, and is much more fashionable than Princess Peach. While Zelda does get kidnapped by Ganon almost as much as Peach does by Bowser, Zelda can fend for herself and is great at disguising herself as a warrior or a pirate because she’s a princess that loves to have fun and let loose.
Commoner She Should Marry: The Postman. The Postman is the unsung hero of the Legend of Zelda series, always delivering the mail on time despite the world constantly being on the brink of disaster. Just think, no matter where Zelda is or who she’s disguised as, the Postman can send her love letters or run to her because he’s the fastest man in the land. Plus, he wears cute hats that she can wear and eventually claim as her own. He has never exactly displayed much affection for Zelda, but he might be shy and he’ll express himself better on paper as opposed to serenading her with a dumb Ocarina tune or saving the world for her. Pfft.
Princess Garnet Til Alexandros XVII – Princess of Alexandria from Final Fantasy IX
Who She Is: Garnet starts out in Final Fantasy IX as a naïve, sheltered brat, but over the course of her journey she truly matures into a regal monarch who risks everything to save her kingdom of Alexandria. She’s crafty, beautiful, intelligent, and by the time she becomes a Queen, she makes a vow to do everything she can to protect her country. She also has the nicest hair; it’s so long and flowy. Refusing to be just a plot point, she takes matters in her own hands and demands that the members of Tantalus kidnap her. She’s a tough broad with long, flowy, dreamy hair.
Commoner She Should Marry: Marcus. Marcus is the lead actor of the thief group Tantalus and, throughout all of Final Fantasy IX, he’s obviously crushing on Princess Garnet. He’s always putting on plays for her, helping her through massive amounts of turmoil, and even saves her life a few times. Sure, he has somewhat of a bromance with his buddy Blank, but it’s clear that Marcus adores Garnet and with their mutual love of literature and adventure, they have a lot in common.
Princess Kitana – Princess of Edenia from Mortal Kombat
Who She Is: Kitana is over 10,000 years old, but damn, she wears it well. She has kind of a messed up past: she’s kidnapped and cloned by the evil Shao Kahn, murdered by Quan Chi, resurrected and enslaved by Onaga, and then killed again by her mother. She really got the short end of the stick, but nevertheless she always tries hard, fights harder, and in the end of Mortal Kombat, she creates a fighting trio of hot chicks with her twin half-sister Mileena and childhood friend Jade. They have yet to participate in a flirty pillow fight, however.
Commoner She Should Marry: Kung Lao. Kung Lao would offer great balance to Princess Kitana’s often hectic lifestyle. She’s always going off getting killed, resurrected, put under spells, or whatever new kind of hell is cooked up for her, so having a calm monk around whose sole purpose is to rebuild quiet monasteries and train new warriors would be great for her. They’ve also shown that they’re able to work together for a common goal, and together they would make the cutest couple.
Fat Princess – Princess of Titania from Fat Princess
Who She Is: Fat Princess is a portly young princess who finds a gigantic piece of cake that she eats until she becomes so ridiculously fat that her father the king has to ban cake from the entire kingdom. Talk about one bad acid trip ruining the trip to Joshua Tree for everyone, jeez. Anyway, throughout the game citizens, of another kingdom continuously try to steal her away and feed her cake so that she’s too fat to get carried back home. A sad, yet delicious life she leads, as long as all this focus on her weight doesn’t drive her to develop a “problem” involving “vomit” where she needs to be “sent away somewhere nice for treatment.”
Commoner She Should Marry: Cake! While cake may or may not have feelings, it’s true that Fat Princess’s one true love is cake and we feel that it’d be wrong to deny her of even one delicious morsel. True she could marry a villager, a priest, a pirate, or even a giant, but honestly, she’d never be as happy as she would be if she got to marry a scrumptious piece of cake, especially with a strawberry on top. She’s like the real life Kirstie Alley!
Office comedienne and reviews editor extraordinaire Dana Vinson contributed to this article inbetween constant breaks to scour the cable networks for both royal wedding coverage and NFL Draft updates. Follow her on Twitter for extra hilarity.