Videogame Deathmatch has entered the Final Four! Assassin's Creed vs. Legend of Zelda and StarCraft vs. Mass Effect. It's a four-way showdown, pairing Assassin against Spectre, and Pointy-Eared boy vs. the entire Koprulu Sector. Who will come out on top during the battle for the championship? That part is up to you, so get over there and vote. Vote hard, until your index fingers need ice and balm.
This time, we're seeing what our top titles have to say for themselves. We put them all in a room to work things out on their own, so read on to see what went down. Ironically, the biggest franchise in the room is the smallest in stature. Regardless, there's no telling how this one will turn out once the barbs and insults start flying.
ASSASSIN'S CREED: Okay, just so I'm clear about things, I'm fighting against a little Elfin dude, some bugs and space marines, and a guy who talks way too much? This is going to be so easy. None of them have hidden blades, awesome cloaks, or a killer art collection. Plus I'm dealing in actual history, where these other guys are all completely fictional. Want to go to ancient Jerusalem, or check out the height of the Renaissance in Italy? There's only one series that will take you there, and that's me.
MASS EFFECT: I can only assume that you're referring to me when you mention "a guy who talks way too much," and pardon the hell out of me for trying to negotiate with my enemies rather than just sticking a sharp piece of steel into their throat from behind. That's extremely low and dishonorable. Oration is a skill sadly lacking in this day and age, and it just goes on to show that it will take the human race years to master this art. Space exploration, encounters with alien races, and a deep role-playing experience. I offer all that, and a lot more.
STARCRAFT: That's a bunch of hogwash. Give me a hot guass rifle, some power armor, and a fresh supply of vespene gas, and I'll do all the negotiating you could possibly need. With the barrel of my gun. Everyone knows that flapping your gums ain't gonna get you anywhere. If you want something done these days, you have to blast your way in. Ain't nobody gonna give you anything for free. Just shoot first and then ask questions later. Or if you're extremely good at your job, shoot first and there won't be no questions need asking. With me you're getting four games in one with the campaign, and then the opportunity to play as the nasty Zerg, the weird-ass Protoss, or the awesome Terrans in competive multiplayer. 40,000,000 Koreans can never be wrong.
LEGEND OF ZELDA: I can't believe how much whining and violence is going on here! Guns and explosions? I get by with a simple sword and shield. Oh, and occasionally a primitive instrument like a flute or an ocarina. You'd be surprised what a little music can do. And speaking? You should feel lucky! I barely get to speak at all throughout my incarnations! I'm lucky if a developer tosses me a single line. But has that stopped me from being fun? No, it's made me into one of the most popular videogame franchises in history. Might doesn't always make right. But being super cute usually does. Action, adventure, platforming, puzzle-solving: I've been doing it for years.
AC: A sword and a shield? How quaint. That thing looks more like a butter knife. You want some real weapons? I'll daze you with a smoke bomb and then introduce you to my scimitar. There's no need for might when you can fight off five guards at once, and then toss a bunch of coins onto the ground and vanish into a nearby crowd. It's all about stealth, adventure, and fortune hunting. Oh, and righting wrongs against my family. Something you wouldn't know much about.
LoZ: Um, hello? Ever heard of Twilight Princess? Ocarina of Time? I've been righting wrongs and working with Princess Zelda forever, so you can just take your sanctimonious, backstabbing behind and sit on it!
SC: Silence, intruders! For this is the pure realm of the victorius, not a place for fumbling neophytes to banter with each other over trivial matters. Ours is the might of the cosmos, and we are here to spread the news of our coming to the far corners of the galaxy. My life for Aiur.
ME: Give me the prow of the Normandy on a good day, freshly loaded with minerals and elements from some planetary expeditions, and I could take on the lot of you. You know, after our peace nogatiations break down. Except maybe for you, cute Elf. My helmsman has become entirely too chatty, and I would enjoy the silence.
LoZ: Up yours! Isn't that ship you're in a replacement, anyhow?
ME: (Response required)
- You are right, I went too far with that. Let me apologize.
- If you can't handle the truth, then perhaps you are outmatched here.
- Taste hot laser, punk!
AC: This is why I normally avoid direct confrontations like this. In and out, poison darts, shoving someone off a ledge. Much cleaner.
SC: FOOLS! All of you combined could not stand up against the strength of my hive mind! You will cower before my wrath!
LoZ: If you've seen the size of some of the things I've had to face, then you know I don't cower before anything. Ever. I've got the Triforce on my side, and a very plucky spirit. It's on!
ME: Logic would indicate that now would be a good time to withdraw to a tactical location in order to construct a proper plan of action.
SC: No problem, pretty boy. Why don't you go and flip through your library of DLC? That'll allow you to play with yourself for a good 15 to 20 hours.
AC: That's a low blow.
SC: You too, cowl-boy. You ain't been shy in that department neither. Two games and one expansion pack is all I've needed for more than 10 years.
LoZ: That just means you haven't been as popular as I've been. I've been pwning bad guys since 1986.
ME: Yet, they keep coming back. What's up with that?
AC: Like you can talk.
SC: Shut up, both of ya.
ME: That's it, I'm arming up and heading into combat mode.
AC: My wrist pistol and blades are at the ready.
SC: *NUCLEAR LAUNCH DETECTED*
LoZ: Thankfully, I have this handy Ocarina. Time to seal myself up for seven years! *toots a little tune*
In the end it's up to you to decide who's going to the grand finals. Vote now for your favorite franchise in our Videogame Deathmatch now! This round ends Monday 9 AM PST.