Cheats and Walkthroughs
We're nearly at the end of Round Two of your Videogame Deathmatches, and as hard as it might be for you to believe, Call of Duty is getting trounced by Assassin's Creed. If everyone whoever called me a d-bag in Black Ops multiplayer were to vote on their franchise, they'd be an intstant winner. Instead, it's getting beaten out by a roof-running assassin and his wrist blades.
Our own Dana Vinson has valiantly taken up her night vision goggles to continue the fight, only this time it's against the cunning Mike D'Alonzo, who is always know to have something sharper than his wit up his sleeve. Who will come out on top? Here's Dana's opening salvo:
Dana: I’m going to come out and say what everyone is thinking, “Assassin’s Creed sucks and Call of Duty rules.” There, I’m done.
Mike: That’s it? That’s all you’ve got? What an incredibly well-reasoned argument! First of all, Assassin’s Creed not only doesn’t suck, it’s one of the best game franchises ever made. And it just keeps getting better. Call of Doody, on the other hand, is notorious for being like Spike Lee films, in which one is fantastic, and the next is total crap. It’s legion. So much so, in fact, that when a new Call of Duty game is announced, people ask who’s making it. If they get the answer that begins with “T”, they give it a pass and wait for the next game. So, how can a franchise that’s only half good even begin to compete with one that’s innovating each new iteration in ways that is fundamentally changing the industry? Huh? Riddle me that, Turd Burgular!
Dana: Fundamentally changing the industry with what? Parkour and hoodies? How much innovation was present in Brotherhood, huh? I bet you spent a MASSIVE amount of time playing that multiplayer, right? Yeah, that’s what I thought. Also, FYI, Treyarch’s Black Ops sold 7 million copies in the first twenty-four hours, shattering the day-one sales record set by Infinity Ward’s Modern Warfare 2 (4.5 million). Oh man, I hate it when two of the most successful titles that everyone loves have to fight. It makes my job defending it so tough. In summary, you’re insane, and I’m not going to even address the fact that you seem unnaturally obsessed with poop (Read: using “Doody” “Crap” “Turd” in the first paragraph).
Mike: Yawn. Are you finished? Just because people buy something, doesn’t mean it’s good. (See: Transformers, The) Now that I think about it, people might have bought Blops thinking it was the same game as Modern Warfare 2. All of those shooters have the same plot, right? Isn’t it just “hide behind the nearest garbage can and shoot some unnamed, trying-our-hardest-not-to-be-racially-offensive enemy?” And, yeah, I spent quite some time playing Brotherhood, since it had an accurate map of ancient Rome as its playground. Plus, the AC games at least attempt some intricate plotting, which is a lot better than you can say for Call of Duty: Generic Shooter X.
Dana: Oh, I was just waiting for you to bring up plot, you elitist fartknocker. Shooters have plots that are interesting to people who like shooters. Don’t imply that they’re generic just because they’re not your cup of tea. You know what I think is overdone? The whole Knights of the Templar/Masonic/Da Vinci Code bullsh*t conspiracy-o-rama. My dad’s a Mason, and about the most exciting thing that they’ve done is fix the air conditioner at the lodge and host a Taco Night. That Ancient Rome crap is for old women. Do you like to end your night of playing your lame ass map of Rome by taking off your knee high stockings and reading a little Belva Plain? WAR MOTHERF&*KER!
Mike: I’m sorry. I couldn’t hear you beyond all of the 11 year-olds in their headsets making fun of your sexual orientation while they play out their middle-American Tea Party shoot-anything-that-moves fantasy that ends up with them dressed in camo and CAT truck hats tailgating at an SEC football game. Oh, and don’t use your Daddy issues to make your point. Next thing you know you’ll be quoting Paula Poundstone jokes.
Dana: I see how it is. Just because I’m a woman and mentioned my dad, all of a sudden, I have “Daddy Issues.” How original. You know how I resolve these so-called “Daddy Issues”? By shooting baddies in the face over and over again. I don’t stay hunched over in some dark corner for minutes on end, waiting like a slack-ass ponce to silently attack someone. I come loud and with bullets, like a true badass. I bring the pain hard, with a variety of weapons that would make Kim Jong-il wet. What can you say that’s so badass about AC? “Those fireworks look hella realistic, bro.” Lame.
Mike: Hella? Are you Eric Cartman in 1997? You know what? I’m tired of fighting with you. Talk about staying hunched over in a dark corner? That’s the essence of Call of Duty. My back hurts just watching it. Just keep playing the same game over and over again every year, while I enjoy my travels through time and space. Also, don’t call me bro.
Dana: I used the word hella to openly mock you and your love for Assassin’s Creed. I’m glad that you were quick enough to pick up on that. Although, I’m not surprised. I mean, you’re used to playing games that move at roughly the pace of molasses, why shouldn’t your brain work the same way? You go enjoy your travels through time and space with Veronica Mars. I’ll be blasting virtual faces off and using my Harrier to rain death down throughout the land like a real man.