By Sherilynn Macale
Here at G4, we are absolutely dedicated to bringing you the best in gaming news and event coverage. From new console releases, to award shows, to launch parties & events, we are consistently striving to deliver everything your precious little pixel-loving hearts could possibly desire (and more)!
But lately, it's become remarkably evident that you, our amazing readers, haven't been devouring our recommended daily value of geek culture. In fact, we are huge advocates in the idea that in order to become what we believe is a well-rounded gamer, you need to consume the proper portions of the video game food pyramid to keep you "in the know".
So I'm here with some much needed vitamins to supplement your HP. You're flashing in the red, my friends, and using my last phoenix down to res you isn't something I see in my immediate future. Behold, the most important serving in our games nutrition guideline: BOOBS! Want to know more? Of course you do. Keep reading.
When I first began brainstorming for the best chi chi's of choice, a few winners popped up that I knew would be an absolute crime to leave out. For example, Tifa Lockhart of FFVII is an obvious top dog in terrific twins (Oh man, does wordplay get any better than this?! I love my job. Let's see how many awesome alliterations I can pull together for this amazing article).
But then I thought to myself, hold on just a minute there! Aren't Lulu's luscious lumps in FFX just as fantastic?! And I obviously can't exclude Rikku's perky pair from the Final Fantasy list either -- the girl is walking around in a visible sunshine yellow bra and g-string set for Christ's sake (By the way, I'm sure I speak for a large majority of the gaming population when I say that we thoroughly encourage women to don their Rikku costumes as often as possible. And if you feel up to shooting over a few proof pictures, trust me; We won't mind one bit).
In fact, when it comes to the women of Final Fantasy, the gaming public seems to agree that they all generally rock some amazing sets of knockers! So instead of individually highlighting each our favorite JRPG boobies, we're just going to squish them all together into one lovable heap of heaving handfuls and rate them with two big thumbs up. We'd love to get our hands on those dualshocks and take those babies for a spin.
Congrats, Final Fantasy. You are officially G4 Approved for magnificent melons. (Please note that when it comes to rating gaming gazongas, things can get pretty technical.)
While some of you responded with the idea that you don't really need a reason to love breasts, a few others of you were fairly particular with your boobie-loving logic. Mammary-rating scales are largely personal, after all, and can range anywhere from tiny vs. huge, to saggy vs. buoyant. But personally, I very much enjoy giving my favorite game knockers their own personalities. And after a largely unofficial geek community vote, I found that gamers tend to feel the same way.
For example, when I questioned why gamers seemed to generally prefer Elena Fisher of Uncharted's puppies over Chloe Frazer's, they cited reasons like: "She doesn't have whore boobs," and "Chloe's breasts are too slutty -- we prefer the subtlety of Elena's knockers."
Similarly, when reaching out for speed bump suggestions, I was delighted when your reason for loving Jill Valentine's volvos (Is that really another slang term for breasts? Well, it is now) were, "They're just the right combination of soft and sprightly, but they're not afraid to get a little dirty." And by dirty, I'm going to assume you mean you enjoy seeing your favorite bullhorns splashed with a hint of zombie brains (ew).
Let's not get too foul here, though!
While I'm sure we're all up for a little undead gore (some of us moreso than others), I definitely prefer to separate my most-liked milkjugs from the mayhem and treat them to a little TLC. In fact, I sometimes would rather have my favorite boobs completely shielded from harm with layers of metal and armor protecting them, rather than in my face and ready for motorboating.
In particular, I find Samus Aran's headlights to be the pinnacle of plated pillows. Her nay-nays are reserved, yet powerful! Shiny and smooth on the outside (thanks to the cool space suit), yet soft and inviting on the interior. Like chocolate truffles! Mmmm … Chocolate … I could go for some of that right now.
… Uh. What was I saying? Backtracking, backtracking -- chocolate, shiny, armor, protection, boobies -- OH! That's right.
Another plus that comes with our favorite game girls rocking armor is the "big reveal". You know what I'm talking about. Like in movies when these badasses are running around kicking some major butt, then they pull off their helmets and shake out their long hair in slow motion, unzip their jackets and boobies pop out, and your'e like, "What?! That was a GIRL!?" Yeah. The "big reveal". Samus definitely has that going for her. Except that her first reveal was a little more low-fi.
However, not all funbag armor is completely conservative!
Take, for instance, Ivy Valentine of Soulcalibur. Now that is some armor with obvious practical use. Clearly her protective covering was made with cup support in mind, while allowing those poor things to breathe. Could you imagine how much suffering little Miss Valentine would have to go through if she didn't let those suckers out to play?! With all that whip cracking she has to do, she needs a little room to jiggle and move around!
And what about Taki?! What a shame it would be to leave her out of the Soulcalibur running when the girl's practically draped in skin-tight, nipple-proud and crevice-filling material that clings to her agile, Dual Kodachi wielding frame. And actually, I'm positive that the only way to cosplay Taki is with red (or is it purple?) body paint -- that's the only "material" that gets as true-to-life as Taki's aerodynamic body armor.
That's why I like Ivy & Taki. They've got spunk.
When they're sashaying across the arena, leaping off of walls, bouncing around and inadvertently distracting you from the match, they're not worried about losing a nipple in a knife fight! They're focused. Determined to win. On a mission to stand the victor of the battle. And who's to say they don't dress that way as a seducing battle strategy, right? I wouldn't put it past them -- women of such high caliber (get it?) tend to harbor a sneakier side.
But if there's one female fighter who really is just the Queen of the Bosom, it's Mai Shiranui from King of Fighters. She is boobs. Various gamer testimonies vouch that they've spent so many quarters on this game just for a chance to see her breasts jiggle and bounce across the screen -- Mai knows exactly what she's doing when it comes to dressing the opponent-distracting part.
And while I could spend forever ticking off my list of favorite fighting femmes with amazing knockers, why bother when I can just pay tribute to the boobiest video game of all?
Witness the champion of video games with chest-heaving heroines: Dead or Alive: Xtreme Beach Volleyball.
Now this is a game that has its target audience in mind. A bunch of scantily clad babes bouncing around in barely-there bikinis, physically and aggressively exerting themselves by smacking around a volleyball? I'd like two front row tickets to that show, please -- one for me, and one for my high definition video camera so I can slow down the best matches. Y'know, so I can study up on my volleyball skillz. Yeah, that's it.
While games like DOAXBV definitely pander to the everyday boobie-loving Joe Blow, that's exactly how I like it. It doesn't make sense to leave out fanfare like that! Not when the reason some of us even love Dead Or Alive in the first place is because of these big-chested wonder women. Naysayers, begone -- we wants our boobs! You can't just constrict megabombs of this proportion -- I strongly advocate allowing these virtual boobies to hang free!
And speaking of hanging free, does Lara Croft even wear a bra? The boobie-loving hive mind of gamers seems to believe that she either switches back and forth between padded lingerie and commando, or must be having some serious work done. Come on, now; We have never seen someone's digital devil dumplings fluctuate so rapidly in size over the course of gaming history! Something fishy's going on there.
But trust me.
While I'd love to sit here and discuss in palpable detail the charming aspects of chesticle evaluation, I think it might be better to leave it to you. As it turns out, you all seem to have your own unique ways of appraising video game num-nums, and I feel it might be wiser to leave the rating to the real cantaloupe connoisseurs out there.
Oh, and an honorable mention goes to E. Honda for having a fabulous set of noticeable hood ornaments. You can thank the gaming community at large for pushing that one. Tickle me amused.
Did we miss any of your favorites? Let us know. Oh, and did you count how many different words we used for "breasts" in this article? Ten magical bonus points that ultimately earn you nothing if you guess correctly!
Sherilynn Macale is a freelance journalist, illustrator, photographer, and wild little firecracker who can't exactly decide what she wants to do with the rest of her life and so does absolutely everything. Harass and prod her via Twitter.