This weekend, the Steelers and the Packers will battle it out in Super Bowl 2011 (the 45th, if you're keeping track), eventually crowning a champion while millions of football fans watch from the comfort of indoor screens and guzzle down metric tons of beer. But, these players are simply bone and meat. None of them are made up of the pixels that denote a true hero. While Troy Polamalu might have as much hair bound up in those curls as Bayonetta does, she'd tear him apart in a fight.
Which got us to thinking: where's our ultimate video game football team? Madden is automatically disqualified for being a simulation, and Cyberball is just too futuristic. Yet, entirely awesome. Why doesn't someone bring that game back already? Football with robots? That's pretty amazing. Just like Base Wars on the Nintendo, where owners grow tired of paying exorbitant player salaries and create roboteams. One day, you just wait.
In the meantime, that brings us to our All-Pro G4 Video Game Football Team. These are the guys and gals that will be challenging the winners of Super Bowl XLV, in a dreamworld somewhere, to bring pixelated pigskin action to a worldwide audience. If these are the teams, just imagine the cheerleaders. Read on for the full roster.
MEET THE OFFENSE
- Quarterback - Mega Man: He's tough, wily, fast on his feet, and able to shake off the most powerful of attacks. Plus, his arm is literally a cannon. The Mega Buster would be able to launch a ball from one stadium to another, so nailing a receiver in the end zone should be fairly easy.
- Center - E. Honda: Can anyone block like this guy? His Hundred Hand Slap would be enough to block anyone while giving his QB time to fade back into the pocket. It's not like most people are brawny enough to take down a sumo wrestler, but when his hands start flying at you like lightning, you're probably going to back off. I just hope he has something on under that skirt.
- Running Back - Sonic the Hedgehog: You know he's fast as hell, but he's also short enough to duck under linebacker's legs, and his dash can get those extra yards you need in critical situations. Give this little guy the ball for halfback duties and watch him chew up turf like Gary Oldman gnaws on scenery.
- Running Back - Master Chief: He's big, he's strong, yet he's also quick on his feet and can run pretty good when he really needs to. With fullback duties, Master Chief would excel at opening up holes for Sonic. He could level a linebacker and block the heck out of anyone else, even without the shields.
- Wide Receiver - Bionic Commando: Think about it. He uses his arm to latch onto anything, and pull himself towards it, so why not use it to latch onto the football and yank it down into his cradling arms? It won't matter if Mega Man's aim is off a bit, Bionic Commando can just grab it on the run and keep going.
- Wide Receiver - Isaac Clarke: Is it cheating when you happened to be outfitted with awesome tech? Probably. But, who cares, because the refs in this game turn a blind eye when it comes to being awesome. Isaac could zap the ball with kinesis and yank it towards him, saving those errant balls and making fumbles a thing of the past. Maybe we'd disallow his stasis power.
- Guard - Roman Bellic: This chubby cousin from Grand Theft Auto 4 would be perfect as a guard, using his bulk to keep defenders at bay. He's fairly ruthless, although he likes to have other people do his dirty works and tends to whine a lot. Someone will need to keep this guy in line.
- Guard - Companion Cube: Who better to stop a linebacker than a very hefty metal cube? This thing could shrug off attacks from left and right, and stand ground perfectly. Why? Because it's highly immovable. Just make sure you plop him down directly in formation, because, well ... it can't move.
- Tackle - Wrex: Krogans would made perfect tackles, because they're tall, beefy, strong, and agile. Oh, and they can go for long periods without food and water, and have multiple backup organs. So if this guy perforates a lung, he's going to be okay. He'll be staying in the game no matter what the defense tosses at him.
- Tackle - Donkey Kong: He's big, he's beefy, and he runs on bananas. Slotting this guy in at tackle give you a strong simian with gigantic arms who can toss linebackers around like, well, barrels. He also keeps his head on a swivel, and he can really move those feet if he needs to, especially when he runs on all fours.
- Tight End - Samus: Rear end jokes aside, Samus has what it takes to shine in the tight end position. She's strong enough to block when she needs to, and speedy enough to run routes and catch passes on the fly. Her beam powers would possibly be nullified, but nothing is stopping her from rolling up into a ball and plowing through defenders.
MEET THE DEFENSE
- Nose Guard - Goro: I was tempted to stick Gaia in here from God of War, but we didn't want to get too ridiculous. Instead, I'm sticking the four-armed Goro from Mortal Kombat in here because he's huge and he's got four arms. Swatting passes, strong arming a center, and reaching out to collar a stray tight end? No problem. That still leave him with one spare hand.
- Tackle - Bowser: Are you seriously thinking about blocking this guy? He's got a spiky back that will turn you into swiss cheese, and that hard shell can't be something you'd be interested in charging into. Also, he's a jerk. He'll probably kidnap a cheerleader or two and call them "princess," but that's the least of your worries.
- Tackle - Big Daddy: Stopping the rush? No problem. This guy has a freaking drill for an arm. Plus, he gets all angry, turns red, and charges. Watch out quarterbacks. When you hear his warning bellow, you'd better toss that ball into the stands or just fall down and whimper.
- Outside Linebacker - The Spy: Want someone to spy on the quarterback? Then why not use an actual spy? Plus this guy could just disguise himself as a member of the other team and completely fool the opposing team. "Wait, that guy's on OUR team! Why is he grabbing our ... oh, sonofa."
- Outside Linebacker - Fat Princess: Think about it: she's only super heavy and fat when she's loaded up on cake. Otherwise, she's able to move when she has to. And when she has to is when she needs cake. So promise her a full buffet of cake at the end of each game, and you've got a linebacker with a purpose and a drive. Let her eat cake at halftime for a little more stopping power, and you've got someone who can really adjust on defense.
- Defensive End - Kratos: His decorative body paint may make him look like he's already wearing a helmet, but the reason Kratos is on this list is not his sexy fashion sense. I would like you to imagine, for just a moment, trying to run around his hulking frame and burning interior rage issues. Not going to happen.
- Defensive End - Marcus Fenix: Running backs are told to keep their knees churning until they can find a hole in the defense. When Marcus Fenix is on the line, there will be no hole, and if by some chance a hole materializes, it will be filled with a very scary chainsaw and something witty about your dead body.
- Cornerback - Monkey: Monkey from Enslaved may not look like your traditional cornerback, but what he lacks in quickness, he makes up for with the help of that cloud surf board thingy. Whether playing zone or man-to-man, those dinky receivers are going to get handled. Better stick to the run game, chumps.
- Cornerback - Sam Fisher: A cornerback needs to guard the wide receivers against passes, and who better to keep an eye on things than Sam Fisher? This Splinter Cell hero has enough goggle-gear to keep eyes on several teams, so tracking a ball and shadowing a receiver should be extremely easy for him.
- Free Safety - Chell: In the game of American Football, you have to use all of your advantages. Now, some would say there's a fine line between Chell using her Portal gun to transport herself to wherever the ball is and cheating, but I say f*&k that fine line. She's small, but being able to instantly teleport down the field makes Chell a lock for the Pro Bowl.
- Strong Safety - Green Dwarf: Short, stocky, strong. What more can you ask for? This little guy is (barely) speedy enough to catch break runs and long bombs, but when he finally gets to them, they aren't going anywhere. Golden Axe proves that he can hold people much bigger than him at bay, and here's a cosplay photo to support that.
MEET THE SPECIAL TEAM
- Kicker - Chun-Li: Who do you want to bury the ball deep? Someone with an extremely strong leg. Have you seen Chun-Li's thighs? They're like enourmous haunches of beef. Maybe because she's got that powerful Lightning Kick move. There's no doubt she could bury the ball deep, and take someone down if they happen to get past the line. Bonus: she also punts. What? We told you it was a special team. Of one.
Anyhow, that's our fantasy football team. Who's on yours? Will you be rooting for the Steelers or the Packers this weekend? Or will you forget football altogether and just bury yourself in a game all weekend? Either way, let us know what's ahead in your plans. No matter what you're doing: have a good one!