CES 2011 has got us thinking about gaming gadgets and peripherals. If you're anything like me, your house has become a depot for assorted plastic gaming crap, ranging in usefulness from paperweight to couldn't live without it.
There's something appealing about the thought of owning a bunch of stuff in the name of your favorite hobby, even if it means you embed a broken whammy bar in the bottom of your foot every time you get up in the middle of the night to get a glass of water. It's a small price to pay for the thrill of living dangerously.
Even though there's already a myriad of awesome gaming peripherals floating around out there and taking up space in your living quarters, there's always room for more. That's why we've come up with this list of awesome gaming gadgets we wish existed, but don't ... and probably never will.
Earning an achievement on Xbox LIVE is like getting a flirty glance from the hot blonde in the coffee shop: it's fleeting, but makes you feel all warm and gooey inside your pants. Who wouldn't want to extend the feeling of elation into a full-on explosion? From a cannon? No one! The Achievement Cannon celebrates your completely pyrrhic victory by blasting your living room with confetti (not included) and filling it with the sweet sounds of John Phillip Sousa's immortal classic Stars and Stripes Forever. There's also an optional Polaroid attachment that will take a picture of you at the exact moment you earn the achievement. Warning: have you ever tried to clean up confetti? It sucks. Enjoy!
Automatic Dumb Cut Scene Detector
Dumb cut scenes are to videogames what Yaakov Smirnoff is to comedy: occasionally delightful and best left in Branson, MO. Some cutscenes are good, but some are just awful torture fests that you don't realize you should have skipped until your eyes react by leaving your skull and attempting to poison you. That's why you need an Automatic Dumb Cut Scene Detector. When a scene is worth watching, the detector will remain silent, but when it should be skipped, the detector will say, "Dude, this is dumb. Skip it." Just like your best friend would, if he existed.
Japanese Plot Translator
Even though most of the games that make the trek from Japan to the States are translated into English, that doesn't mean that they make sense. That's where the Japanese Plot Translator comes in. It's a device that attempts to explain exactly what a game is about in language gamers can understand. Take the game Bayonetta, for example. Your plot translator would turn the bats*%t plot into this:
Someone read The Dummy's Guide to Freud and decided that every girl they had ever tried to date had latent daddy issues. To address this, they created Bayonetta, a brawler with a female protagonist who is a sexy witch with an oral fixation. Her hair doubles as her clothes, because dudes love chicks with long hair and no clothes on. Hair doesn't do a great job of covering the goodies all the time, so you can see the outline of her butt at different intervals. She's also friends with the devil, because all women are. In the end, you will really like Bayonetta, but will not be able to figure out why. Also, lollipops.
Inflatable Man Cave
My house is pretty small, and since I'm a girl, it's marginally clean; however, I don't have room for my very own Man Cave. You may think, "But Dana, you're a girl! You can't have a Man Cave!" You shut your fat mouth! I can see the appeal of having a space for all of your awesome man things, but who can actually get away with devoting an entire cave to it? The Inflatable Man Cave will allow you to have a pop-up room for your recliner, Pac-Man dartboard, keggerator, HDTV, snacks and game console of your choosing. No man cave would be complete without wood paneling and a lotion dispenser. Your inflatable man cave will have all these things, and it's portable! Just don't let the cat near it, or a crazed assassin with a nail gun.
Voice Activated Controller
It takes a lot of energy and fine motor skills to use your fingers to play videogames. It's about time someone did something about that. With the voice activated controller, all you need to do is shout and it will do your bidding. "Triangle! Triangle! RB! X! X! A! Y! Right analog stick one click to the left! Left trigger! Right trigger!" It's a cavalcade of fun, all from your throat. Probably not very useful, but neither is that other kidney.
Presidential Chore Robots
Ever wanted to have Martin Van Buren do your laundry? Maybe James K. Polk needs to scrub the toilet? Or John Tyler needs to grab a mop and shut the f&#k up? From the makers of absolutely nothing else, comes Presidential Chore Robots. Choose from 44 different presidential robots who will do all of your chores while you're playing videogames. They'll only clean, however, while your console is turned on. As soon as your turn it off, they'll just sit there and look at you. It'll be super creepy, so you'd better be ready to game 24/7. The longer you go without playing, the more disgruntled they get, so sit back and relax while Millard Fillmore vacuums the dining room while you shoot grunts in party hats. You'll like Ike, especially while he's making you Ambrosia Salad! It's silly, but hey, robots are awesome.
Mini Rock Band Instruments
Are you tired of feeling small? Feel small no more with these teeny tiny Rock Band Instruments that make you feel like you're a giant! Sure, they won't make you smarter, better looking, or help you play Rock Band any better, but you'll look like a giant! A giant, fake rock star. Plus, they'll fit in a drawer and be easy to lose so you'll constantly have to buy new ones. Bonus! To complete your collection, tiny veggies, tiny turkey legs and tiny bubbles sold separately. Catch them all!
That about wraps it up. I think everything on this list sounds pretty feasible, don't you?
What totally made up gaming gadgets would you like to see?