The ESRB protects us from all the evils video games often force us to see by giving detailed descriptions of the questionable content in games. For the most part the ESRB is a fair system that helps retailers and parents decide what games are appropriate for children. The folks over at PC Gamer have noticed that many of these descriptions meant to warn us are actually hysterical. PC Gamer's findings inspired us to do some ESRB rating research ourselves. Keep reading for some of the best "interpretations" of our favorite games.
One of PC Gamer's favorite ESRB quotes: "In some scenes, the agent draws his gun and fires at some gnomes; however, the gnomes are magical and are not harmed." - Puzzle Agent
One of my favorite ESRB quotes: "Throughout the game players can view characters engaging in variety of activities—pole dancing, stretching, gyrating to music, and climbing trees" - Dead or Alive: Paradise
"The dialogue contains numerous jokes and comments that reference sexual acts, venereal diseases, and having sex with one’s mother." - Bulletstorm
"During the course of the game, players will encounter male and female prostitutes: the screen fades to black as suggestive dialogue is heard in the background (e.g., ‘Nice charlies, too! Give them a shake for the Ben-man, will ya?’); there is also an extended sequence suggesting (no depiction) sexual activity with a robot." - Fallout New Vegas
"The camera occasionally pans close-up on breasts as they are jiggling." - Bayonetta
"During one of the quests, players are required to collect and crush excrement from demons (e.g., "beat the crap out of Demons . . . literally")." - DeathSpank
"If players select "Surprise me," they can sometimes wind up face-to-face with a woman, a man, a transsexual, or an animal; sexual activity is never depicted during these brothel encounters. " - Dragon Age: Origins
"They sometimes vomit, expel flatulent sounds, or urinate on themselves if their hygiene is not properly managed." - The Sims 3
"Players will encounter a goddess and her two hand maidens, all topless, all holding and caressing each other. If players wish to, they may join the goddess (and only the goddess) in bed." - God of War 3.
"Bladed melee weapons and direct hits from rifles, shotguns, etc., cause decapitation or dismemberment; intense depictions include: piles of the Infected in a pool of blood along the roadside; intestines spilling out of abdominal wounds; zombie gibs shooting in all directions; charred innards; and skeletal bits and unclaimed torsos. " - Left 4 Dead 2
"...and a bluish devil/demon in boss-battle mode—its penis visible during the flying and fire-spewing, the standing around (there are equivalent physics applied to female/male body parts)." - Dante's Inferno
Based on these descriptions do any of these games sound like something you'd want to play? Head to the ESRB yourself and send us your favorite.