Last week, in the course of presenting a televised debate on violence in video games, and whether the Supreme Court should uphold California's violent game ban law, Fox News LA reporter Michael Brownlee said the law is "aimed at cracking down on popular games like Halo and Cop Killer."
Cop Killer, eh? Haven''t heard of that one. That got us thinking about the divide between the content in games that are being released and played, and games like Cop Killer, that only exist in the imaginations of people who don't like games. In terms of violence and inappropriate content, real games can't possibly compete. So we compiled a list of the top seven most offensive games you can only play in the minds of game opponents.
Cop Killer -- Gamers who purchased Cop Killer based on its title and artwork expecting a realistic law-enforcement murder simulation, but the game instead takes a wild left turn and offers a simulation of factory work. It's more of a Marxist critique of late industrial capitalism than a shooter. You play as a minimum wage employee of an arms manufacturing plant that creates the exploding ammunition known as Cop Killer bullets. While no violence is ever presented on screen, as you endlessly load pallet after pallet full of ammunition, you imagine where the bullets will go, and contemplate the nature of a system that pays you less than a living wage to toil endlessly in a factory whose only product is mechanized death.
Necro-Feel-Ya -- What begins as a run-of-the-mill autopsy simulator quickly takes a lusty and romantic turn when the late-night hallways of the local morgue have finally fallen silent. You play as a misanthropic coroner’s assistant – unlucky in love -- assigned to the long and lonely nightshift. Turn off the cameras, select a slab and choose your potential companion! But remember, just because they’re dead doesn’t mean they don’t have feelings! The one-sided conversation tree – as well the hacksaw, scalpel and bone-cutter -- will be an important tool in determining whether your evening becomes hot-and-heavy, or leaves you feeling so very cold…Figure out the cause of death before you can first discover the cause of sex!
Baby Baseball -- From a major publisher of sports titles comes another must-own athletic title. Set in the near future, the world’s population is raging out of control, but the global supply of baseballs is steadily dwindling! In a stunning compromise, the totalitarian government has authorized the use of adorable babies in place of standard athletic equipment. Manage your team as you progress from the Very, Very Little League to the Fetal Finals and a remarkable, history-making victory. Grab your bat and try to hit a ridiculously cute curveball or score a homerun and deliver that baby right back to its weeping mother in the cheap seats! But be careful, where and how you toss your toddler will determine the difference between a strike and a slider! Barrel your way toward First-Year-Old Base and beyond in this epic new title…
Happy Bear’s Magical Adventures -- The loveable Bear at the center of this game just wants to find some sweet, sweet honey. Guide Bear through the mystical land of Candy and Puppies, through the Gumdrop Forest and over the Lollipop Ridge to the promised Land of Happiness, but just watch out for Grumpy Gus and his pals, who just want to spoil Bear's perfect day by keeping him in the Stony Lonesome for 15 to 25.
Dead Grandma Marionette – An out of work puppeteer finds himself tasked with caring for his recently widowed and terminally ill grandmother. Struggling to find something spectacularly unique to differentiate himself from the rest of the puppet community, he wakes up one morning to find his grandmother has died. And thus begins the story of Dead Grandma Marionette. Early on, players have to embark on a series of town quests to secure the proper materials and items to turn the lifeless body into a believable (and, of course, entertaining) marionette. Once constructed, the (once) human puppet can be controlled using either motion controls or a standard controller, with the thumbsticks used to controls the puppeteers hands. Each performance has certain requirements that must be met (control, believability, flail factor, etc.), but be careful! Grandma can’t sustain too much movement, because she is, you know, rotting. You to patch her up between performances too, using the cash you’ve earned from previous shows, creating a nice balance of risk and reward. Dead Grandma Marionette combines the best elements of classical puppetry and dead relatives into one gripping and deplorable package.
Get in the Van, Kid 2: Mr. Sprinkles on the Hunt – This classic arcade sequel caught hell from parents and other wet blankets who called it a “very convincing and startlingly effective training tool for prospective kidnappers and deviants.” While the game was set outside an arcade and tasked players with coaxing as many arcade goers into their rust-rotted ice cream truck as possible within the time limit (where they could then choose a variety of activities such as terrorize, pet, “love,”) making it one of the edgier arcade titles to ever be released. It did have a pretty killer soundtrack and the controls were super smooth, so there was little doubt that it was not only a fabulous sequel, but just an all around fantastic demonstration of just how spectacularly evil/fun old-school games really were. (Consequently Old-School Games, the Atari 2600 title about a group of nymphomaniac octogenarians starting an orgy-training academy was not nearly as enjoyable as most gamers had hoped it would be.)
Imagine: Eating Babiez -- This sequel takes Imagine: Babiez to a new level.
Cambodian Gutter Sex: The Game – The brilliance of this title was in its simplicity: Step 1) Find the nearest/filthiest back alley or drainage ditch, Step 2) find an object/person, and Step 3) have sex with it. A lot of people got suckered in to pick up the “…and Then Kill It” expansion pack, but it really just felt tacked on, so I’d say stick to the original, and keep it pure…unlike all of those things you ravaged in that Cambodian gutter.