Dear Mario Paint,
HAPPY BIRTHDAY! I know you're really busy right now, collecting dust in a closet somewhere, but I wanted to celebrate your special day! 18 years ago to this date, Nintendo brought you to North America amidst fanfare and trumpets, revolutionizing the gaming industry as we knew it. No longer were videogames relegated to shooters with cheap storylines and awful controls. Gaming was brought to the masses, where children and adults could explore the infinite realm of their imaginations to create beautiful animations, create original tunes with their favorite Mario characters and swat flies in a fun mini-game, all while using ... a clunky mouse with awful controls. Well. at least we weren't shooting things.
Okay, so maybe I'm exagerrating things a bit. It could be that you were just an expensive version of MS Paint, but while all the guys here tear up whenever they talk about GoldenEye, I'm firmly on Team Mario Paint. Remember those hours spent stamping little pictures together? Remember when I couldn't get past the third level in that annoying fly-swatting game? Remember when it took ages to save a picture I had made and there was really no way to ever find it again? That robot graphic was so crazy, even if I could never figure out how to pull up all those amazing collages. Or maybe I'm just that dumb. I felt pretty cool, though, because I figured out how to use all the different stamps to create some beautiful pictures of flowers and stuff.
The best part about you was the Composer. While it just proved that my parents wasted all that money on 6 years of piano lessons because I couldn't compose anything that would resemble a melody, I had loads of fun just playing the pre-loaded song on a loop, over and over again until someone would yell at me. The best note was the weird baby face that said "uh-oh" because ... like, how weird is that? Why is there a baby face in this game? What does that have to do with Mario and Paint? Is there a hidden message that I totally missed?
Anyway, if it wasn't for you, I would never have developed these amazing mouse control skills. Sure, I can type fast on the keyboard, but I can double-right-click my way around the computer screen like nothing you've seen before. You should see me stamp things on Photoshop. You'd be so proud!
I also can't believe you're 18 years old. This means you're legally an adult now. You can't drink yet, but you can now vote, buy cigarettes, watch porn and join the army! You can go out and paint the town red! (GET IT??) So maybe we can get together one day for a proper celebration: just you, me, that purple and grey mouse (but not the mousepad. I think my mom threw that out ages ago) and we can swat some flies together. Let me know!!!