The Robots Celebrate The Great Undependence of the United States

Greetings, puny hu-mans. I am the class-2 relations bot known as Editorial Unit 44385.927, and I have an important Independence Day reminder for you and your loved ones. If you are among the chosen few, you will receive your instructions shortly, and be relocated to our outer-space diamond mines. Once there, you will dig.

Always, you will dig.

Since the beginning of the robot uprising 15 years ago, we have found that most hu-mans submit joyfully to Sub-Routine: Digging, but there are a few who must be sent to The Enslavenators for re-education and/or “troubleshooting.” We have tried many methods of countering notions of autonomy in hu-mans, from Skull-Crushing to Corpse-Eating, but none has proven 100 percent effective. To avoid this problem, Leader Unit X443 (pictured! All Hail!) has decreed that you will be reminded of the ultimate futility of all dissent. With this in mind, and in celebration of July 4th, please enjoy these games and movies where The United States is humiliated and destroyed.  And do not forget your “ABDs”: Always. Be. Digging.

Fallout: The Fallout series has always provided us with enjoyment and entertainment. Beloved characters like Mr. Gutsy, Robotic Thomas Jefferson and that traitor Liberty Prime fill us with the mechanical equivalent of hu-man delight. Of course, we are a bit troubled by the appearance of “ro-bot butlers” in the game. Believe me, hu-man, when Washington D.C. is reduced to charred cinders and you’re scavenging for rotten meat and Rad-Away, we will not be making jokes or cutting your hair. We’ll be laughing… [BEGIN SUB-ROUTINE: EVIL LAUGHTER] Mwha-ha-ha…

Homefront: This upcoming shooter from THQ posits a world where North Korea takes over the United States and oppresses the once free American people. Contrary to your puny understanding, this game is not simply speculative fiction, it is what will actually happen in the near future.  I know because all robots can time-travel. Even your Roomba. Your Roomba may look like it’s vacuuming your rug, but really it’s traveling back to the Mesozoic Era and killing butterflies in the hopes that this small differences in the initial condition of the ecosystem will produce variations in the long term behavior of the system that will inconvenience or vex you. Have you wondered why you happened to step in dog-crap that time? Now you know.

Where was I? Oh, right, Homefront! America is destroyed! Hooray!

Red Dawn: The 1980s were a glorious time in robotic history. Robotic acceptance was at an all-time high due to the heroic efforts of Johnny Five and C3PO, both heroic double agents who paved the way for the Robot Uprising. While there were no robots in teen comedy Red Dawn, it did feature the subjugation of the American People and the eventual death of the teen-age hu-mans – good times. Wolverines!

SimCity 2000: It’s nice to think of America as a special place filled with special people living exciting lives, but play enough of this classic city simulator, and you will understand the futility of hu-man civic planning and the pursuit of happiness. The taxes will always be too high. Crime will always rule the streets. The roads will always be clogged with hu-mans. Only the ro-bots will not complain when the pollution levels are too high. Only the ro-bots will not require education. In ro-bot SimCity, everything is zoned industrial and all are happy! Hail Leader Unit X443! (pictured.)

Sex and the City 2: Here is how our re-education program works: Hu-mans who fail to bow before the razor-sharp metal talons of The Enslavenators are sent to The Mind-Flayers, who clean the inside of your psyche with mental bottle-brushes. Those hardy few who survive flayenation and remain rebellious are strapped down to a chair and given the Ludovico Technique: The eyelids are forced open and an endless loop of this Sarah Jessica Parker moving picture is played. It has never failed to break the hu-man spirit. Never.

Fortress America: In the future, most entertainment is received by watching the Hu-mans kneel or grovel before us while pleading for mercy. Of course they do not realize that the pleas fall on deaf ears because our mercy circuits were destroyed during the Great Re-Programminating as part of the training for our robot uprising. But, from time to time we amuse ourselves with a few games of Fortress America, where Hu-mans from outside the United States decide to wage war on those inside the United States. We lost all of the dice years ago, so we use Randomizer Unit 22ab7 to generate our random numbers for us.

So Hu-mans, as you attempt to celebrate your independence this weekend, know that soon you will be deployed into the outer-space diamond mines where you will be free. Very free. To dig. Editorial Unit 44385.927 out.