Dear Cammie Dunaway,
Hey, girl, hey! How's it going? You look great. Are those new glasses?
I know you're super busy now that E3 is finally here, but I thought I'd grab a couple moments to talk to you.
Where were you!? I waited to see you at the Nintendo press conference, where they kept rolling out announcement after announcement for Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword, Kid Icarus: Uprising (finally) and the new Goldeneye 007...What about you?
Last year's E3 was the first time I actually sat down and watched the entire Nintendo press conference. Usually I just wait until the headlines and blogs come out with all the big news, but I really liked my Wii and I really wanted to see what you had in store for the rest of us.
But like, seriously? That white suit? I know you were out to promote the console, but what stylist decided it was a good idea to dress up like a Wii? I mean, 2008's press conference was fine because everyone loves a woman in a black suit (remember Sarah Palin's little black piece during her Vice Presidential debate? I totally hate her, but that suit was cute for a hot middle aged mom of five children. Don't get me started on her hair, though.)
So my fingers were crossed super hard that this year that you were going to take your outfit in a totally different direction. No more white, no more suits and no more glasses. You were going to go sexy, maybe add some hair extensions, show off that figure (E3 brought the Booth Babes back for a good reason) and bring out those gorgeous brown eyes with some blonde highlights. You were going to take the bored audience by storm!
Speaking of bored audiences, I was also hoping you'd amp up your stage presence. Let's not talk about last year, where everything. Came. Out. In. Choppy. Sentences? Not cool, even though I get it. You're a woman in an industry filled with boring old white men. You have to stand out, stand strong and stand tall in your leadership position. For that, I applaud you. But you're one of the faces of Nintendo. You know, the guys responsible for bringing us Mario, Yoshi, Zelda and the Power Glove? You're legendary.
And the rest of us? You spoke to us like we were idiots. We're not. We're overgrown kids. We're nerds. We like to think we're smarter than everyone else. We hack the latest Apple product before Steve Jobs can even finish his sentence at WWDC. We hate anyone who talks down to us, because it reminds us that we're still living at home with Mom and we forgot to take the garbage cans out last night.
In 2010, I was hoping things were going to be different. I knew that you were going to step on that stage with the understanding that you were talking to your colleagues, even if you're a billionaire and can probably have me legally assassinated for writing this letter. And I was going to watch intently with adoring eyes, because we were going to be super duper excited about what you had to say.
So what happened? The Nintendo press conference for E3 2010 came and went, with no Cammie was in sight. No two piece suit, no glasses, no demure smile. NO NEW CAMMIE DUNAWAY! Where'd you go? Did the other executives shut you out because of last year's awkward performance? Why did Reggie and that Japanese guy get all the attention? Who is this mysteirous Bill?
Once again, you break my heart. But hey, E3 2011 is coming up soon, right? This is perfect, because now we have more time to prep. Let's talk this over a Sprinkles cupcake or something. I have this great idea where we can throw a slumber party with your best friends and totally help you rehearse. It'll be so fun!!!