Dear Princess Peach,
Hi, how are you? I am fine. First off, I'd like to congratulate you on staying strong with your fashion. Times are a-changing in the 21st century, but you've somehow managed to keep things stylish with your pink ballgown and arm-length gloves. No, I'm totally not being condescending. I'm more of a sandals and muumuu kind of gal, but I really appreciate when a single woman refuses to conform in a generation of girls wearing Ugg boots and terrycloth sweat pants. Some people would say you're being old-fashioned, but between you and me, they're just jealous.
Actually, what's the secret behind your hair? It looks great. Okay, maybe the feathered look is a little 1980's Dynasty mixed with Farrah Fawcett (RIP) but the Kardashian girls would kill to have all that volume. Do you have hair extensions? I won't tell. People pay good money for layers like that.
Listen, we have to talk. I was totally thinking about you the other day, because I was going to pick up Super Mario Galaxy 2, since it got such great reviews, but then I realized that the whole premise of the game was about Bowser kidnapping you. Again. How many times has it been? Seriously? Wow. That's a lot.
So that got me thinking about your safety. I mean, I read People magazine all the time so I know those tragic stories about women being kidnapped by religious weirdos and abusive ex-boyfriends but you're the only girl I know who's actually been taken away multiple times ... by the same person. It's usually in the middle of some big party or festival, too, right? So like, right in front of everyone. Seriously?
Then I started getting a little suspicious. I mean, think about it. One princess gets kidnapped so many times by the same evil Bowser, yet no one raises an eyebrow? Instead, some overweight Italian plumber comes to your rescue and saves the day with a big happy ending. Over and over again. Is there something you're not telling me?
You know me. I've been your best friend forever. I always pick you in Mario Kart, not because you actually have useful abilities but because I understand how hard it is to drive a go-kart in a ballgown. So what's up with all the kidnapping? Have you reevaluated your Royal guards? I mean, they're just mushrooms with legs, right? That's not really safe. If I can eat mushrooms on my 130 calorie salad for lunch, there is no way a spotted one can keep me from stealing princesses. Sounds like it's time for a performance review. Just saying.
My gut feeling tells me it's not a security problem, though. This is about Mario, isn't it? Is it because it's been almost 25 years and he still hasn't put a ring on it? He seems to care more about plumbing than proposing.
Listen, I totally get it. Guys are selfish like that. Sometimes they only think about what's best for themselves over what's best for their girlfriends or their long-term relationships. Does Luigi ever get in the way? I don't really know him that well, but he seems kind of annoying. He's always tagging along and I have yet to figure out what's in it for him.
I don't want to make wild accusations, but could this be true? Is getting kidnapped all the time your way of playing hard to get with the love of your life? It makes sense to me. Did you arrange this all with Bowser beforehand? Like, any time you worry that Mario was losing interest or you're bored, you had Bowser come in and swoop you away? That's actually a pretty genius idea. Is Bowser available for other princesses like me?
Anyway, men aren't as dumb as we treat them. One day, Mario is going to catch on and the next time you're feeling a little lonely and you put your Bowser plan into action, he's not going to come after you. He's going to find some other princess and settle down with her. Trust me, I saw it happen once. And then what? You're stuck with Bowser and honestly, that would be like the worst thing ever. What would your kids look like? Gross.
What I'm saying is, it's okay to be happy. Maybe life isn't as exciting when Mario is putting his life in danger to prove his devotion to you, but that doesn't mean your relationship won't work without the heroic acts. Maybe he hasn't settled down with you because he's too tired from traversing across galaxies to save you. You should take things slow and appreciate the small things in life, like having mushrooms as your Secret Service protection.
So yeah, I just wanted to see how you were doing and if you needed anyone to talk to, because I totally get it. Maybe next time, you can just have a heart to heart with Mario and tell him how you really feel, so he'll start paying more attention to you, and then Bowser can kidnap other girls whose significant others are totally ignoring them because Red Dead Redemption came out last week. Like me.
Call me sometime, okay? We can go shopping or something, and maybe try a new color palette for you. Pink is so 2002.