TheFeed, as you have known it, is no more. This is our last post.
Our editorial team has decided to stop all coverage of video games, popular culture, and technology immediately in order to focus on our true passion: locating, capturing, and eliminating Bigfoot. You may call us “Yeti Squad.”
For too many years, Bigfoot (a/k/a Sasquatch, Yeti, or The Abominable Snowman) has haunted the woods of the Pacific Northwest and it’s time for true American Patriots to stand up and put a stop to this nonsense with bullets. Someone has to be brave enough to take a stand for what’s right. Someone like TheFeed.
We’ve been monitoring the old-growth forests of Washington State using advanced sonar equipment for the past several months as well as carefully analyzing Bigfoot droppings, and we recently had a breakthrough. We’ve zeroed in on a section of the Kankakee River Valley where we believe the Sasquatch is hiding and plotting, and we are headed there now on an extraction and murder mission.
Each of us is going for our own reasons, enumerated below:
Stephen Johnson, Scat Technician: I’m searching for The Bigfoot because the bastard killed my grandparents. It was a rainy night a decade ago when I came home after church and found what was left of Mee-ma and Pee-paw. Two members of the Greatest Generation reduced to ruined colostomy bags and a terrible, terrible footprint. Killing is too good for Sasquatch. Instead, I’m going to economically exploit him through easily available credit. Then I’ll sell him worthless trinkets and shiny things until he’s indebted to me and my ancestors for life.
Jake Gaskill, Silent Lector And Sasquatch-Head Relocation Specialist: It's been a few years since my successful run as a member of the Getty Gang (which consisted of five dedicated hunters and myself tracking and taking out the world's third most dangerous game: beloved television star Estelle Getty), and I felt that enough time had passed for me to start thinking about checking off the next empty box on my "To Kill" list. My plan of attack? Win the hairy bastard over with my encyclopedic Golden Girls knowledge, and then lunge at him suddenly and watch him collapse from fright. It worked before. Bound to work again.
Sterling McGarvey, Bigfoot Hunting Tactical Mercenary: After my attempts to track down the mysterious Animal ended in failure and near-bankruptcy, I joined the G4 team to fund myself so that I could devote my attention to tracking down the huge and illustrious Bigfoot. Why, you ask? Because Bigfoot is bad, dirty, and mean. It desecrated my car and my neighbor’s in a brutal attack while hundreds of people cheered and egged it on. Do you know what it’s like to be carless in Los Angeles? Whether it’s today or it’s Sunday, or the next Sunday, or the Sunday after, I’m devoted to finding Bigfoot. I’ll never forgive it.
Andrew Pfister, Undercover Government Plant That Wants To Find Bigfoot, But Instead of Killing Him, He's Going To Capture Him And Turn Him Into An Ultimate Super Soldier For The United States Army: Yeah, I'm totally into hunting and killing Big Feets or whatever. By the way, I'll be in charge of checking everybody's ammo.
Patrick "Scoops" Klepek, Looking For The Big Scoop: Do you know how many hits I'd get for finding Bigfoot?!