If we've learned nothing from the recent death of a whale trainer at SeaWorld, we've learned that animals just want to kill us. Killer whales particularly. "Killer" is right in their name; which should be the first clue that you need to give them wide berth unless you're an Eskimaux* searching for lamp-oil.
To recap the gruesome tale, Killer whale Tilikum, A/K/A Tili, grabbed 40 year-old trainer Dawn Brancheau in his mighty jaws from a poolside platform, shook her and dragged her underwater, then swam through the pool carrying her until she drowned. All this in front of a packed crowd of horrified tourists.
Tillikum is no stranger to murder. The trainer was Tilly's third victim, but the whale's second kill was, amazingly, David Dukes, a man apparently so obsessed with Ultima creator Richard "Lord British" Garriott that he broke into Lord British's manor and had to be extracted by police.
According to Kotaku, in the late 1990s, Dukes was arrested in Austin, TX after a bat-crap crazy crime-spree that included stealing a Barbie doll, a briefcase and a women's camisole from a Target store, then punching a guy in the head at Joe's Generic Blues Bar, and finally breaking into Lord British's stately mansion.
British describes the man as an obsessed Ultima fan, and says he pulled a gun on the no-doubt wild-eyed drifter. Dukes ignored the piece and slept in British's bed. The cops came and arrested him.
Flash forward a few years-- Dukes made his way down to SeaWorld in Florida, broke into Tilly's water-logged tank in the middle of the night, and was found the next morning, torn apart.
The fate of Tili has yet to be determined, but can there be any answer other than euthanasia? Is there no three-strikes law for whales? Does no one possess the courage of Captain Ahab? According to SeaWorld officials, the murderous whale won't be "put down."
*I like spelling it like that.