For guys, February 14th can bring the same kind of dread that April 15th brings to honest tax-payers. If you don’t have a Significant Other, the constant barrage of images of happy loving couples can drive you to murdering hookers in Grand Theft Auto IV, and if you have a girlfriend, wife, concubine or interested cougar, you have to worry about getting her a gift. And you'd better get it right.
You’re probably bad at giving gifts, let’s face it. There's a wealth of information on the internets about what to give girls, but most of it is terrible advice, especially if you happen to be dating a gamer girl or a nerd. Because I have your best interests at heart, I took a look at some of the suggestions other people on the net have for gifts and got the honest opinions of a random sampling of three gamer ladies here at G4.
Meet Moye, Attack of the Show’s internet content specialist, Dana, X-Play's Interactive Producer, and Abbie, X-Play Senior Gaming Content Producer.
Me: Let's start with the traditional gifts. What do you think of flowers?
Moye: I like flowers because they’re pretty and represent the ethereal beauty of the world. Nothing lasts, so carpe diem!
Dana: They die.
Abbie: They die.
Me: What about a box of chocolates?
Moye: Delicious, but it depends on where you get it.
Abbie: Right, don’t bother with some Rite Aid, Russel Stover bullsh*t. If you’re going to get chocolate, get good chocolate. And don’t bite the corner to see what kind it is.
Moye: Who does that?
Abbie: My Mom.
Me: What about an expensive dinner?
Abbie: Yeah, I guess. Just don’t take her to Olive Garden. But that’s not expensive.
Dana: But you could order four entrées. I like food. That applies to chocolate too, I’m not picky.
Me: OK, on to other people's gift guides... These gifts are from Stuff Magazine's guide to Valentine's day... What do you think of this vase:
Abbie: What retard thinks you want a vase for Valentine’s day?
Moye: I think the vase looks really gross.
Dana: How much is it?
Abbie: That’s three video games! Right after release!
Dana: Can I return it for something better?
Me: How about this Chixie fixed gear bike?
Dana: I like it. It would look great sitting in my living room because I would never ride it.
Abbie: Urban Outfitters has a bike you can customize. It’s a much better deal.
Me: These are from OK Magazine's Gift Guide. What do you think of this Edible Victoria’s Secret Midnight Chocolate Body Icing?
Dana: I’d just eat it out of the tub. Or I’d invite him to the bedroom, and when he got there, I’d draw a Hitler mustache on myself. Or I’d write messages on my body like, “Do the dishes!”
Moye: Or: “This is a horrible gift.”
Me: How about Couples Retreat on DVD?
Abbie: How about Robocop instead?
Moye: Why would you want to watch a movie about couples who need help?
Abbie: Starship Troopers!
Moye: She shows her boobs in Starship Troopers. It’s pretty romantic.
Me: OK, these are from From Cosmopolitan Magazine... ladies like that, right? Check out this USB mixtape in a cassette case
Abbie: It’s kind of cool, I guess, but I don’t carry a USB drive around.
Moye: A USB drive is the worst gift ever.
Me: How about this necklace thing. It's your initial on a piece of twine. You make a wish, and when the twine breaks, that means your wish will come true.
Dana: What am I, five?
Abbie: I’d wish I got a different gift.
Moye: And what are you implying? That I’m not satisfied and I should wish for something?
Dana: You’re the queen of reading into things.
Moye: What are you trying to say about me?
Me: These are from From MAKE Magazine's Valentine's list. How about this ASCII Heart necklace?
Abbie: That’s cute.
Moye: What does it cost?
Moye: Too much for that.
Me: How about this Valentine message on an LED Board
Abbie: Where would I put this? In the house where I already know you like me? Or at work where it would embarrass me? I know I’d end up putting a c*ck on it.
Dana: Put a c*ck on it and call it a day.
Moye: How much is it? I’d rather have a Lite Brite.
Dana: I like this one!
Abbie: You do?
Dana: Well, I really need a cutting board.
Abbie: According to the website, it’s “an unbreakable symbol of your devotion.” Who writes this stuff?
(At this point in the interview, television's lovable Yeti John Walsh sensed the estrogen in my cubicle and walked over to offer his views.)
John Walsh: You could use that to cook something for me. Perfect gift.
Abbie, Moye, Dana: (icy glare of death.)
Me: How about planting a tree?
Moye: I like that. I love trees. We need more trees.
Abbie: That’s like when people make a charitable donation in your name. Like I really need a star named after me. No thanks.
John: There are way too many trees.
Me: Because I am great at giving gifts, here are my own suggestions. This Weighted Companion Cube Plushie
Dana: Girls love Portal, because it’s like you’re making your vagina on the walls. You just run around throwing your lady pocket around.
Abbie: I want the headcrab more. You can’t go wrong with the Valve store.
John Walsh: But Abbie, You’re not like most girls. Most girls are total sissies.
Abbie: I liked Team Fortress 2 more than Portal anyway.
Me: How about this bloody handprint shower curtain?
Abbie: I really want that.
Moye: Very, very cool.
Abbie: Plus, if you actually kill someone in your apartment, it’s handy.
Dana: I don’t want to be reminded of my period.
John: I do.
Me: So now we've seen what other people suggest for Valentine's Day; what do you guys want this year?
Dana: This is not a joke. They do tours about The Donner Party where you travel where they traveled and learn all about cannibalism. I want to go on one. Wait can I have anything? How about a Bugatti?
Moye: Turtle Beach Ear Force Headset: It’s better than the one Brandon has, and I want to out-better him in anything.
John: Why would a girl need noise-canceling headphones? You’re the one who’s yapping all the time.
Abbie, Dana Moye: (Silent glare of death)
Abbie: Tauntaun sleeping bag: Then you can snuggle on the couch, plus it’s a Tauntaun. Also: Clothes from Modcloth.
Me: What about you, John?
John: Three things: Food, sex and silence.
So there you have it, people: Follow TheFeed's handy guide to Valentine's gift giving and go from this: