Yesterday, the full list of Oscar nominees was announced. All the usual suspects are represented: Avatar, The Hurt Locker, Final Fantasy VII Advent Children Complete, (just kidding about that last one.) The winners will be determined by the mysterious "Academy," a group of film industry professionals and black magic practitioners who vote on who gets a statue during the 82nd Oscars to be held on March 7. So, basically, a bunch of millionaires are going to give each other trophies for being awesome. Hooray! But The Oscars would be a different affair altogether if gamers gave out Academy Awards. Below, please find the gamers' choice for the major Oscar categories:
Actor in a Leading Role
- Jeff Bridges in “Crazy Heart”
- George Clooney in “Up in the Air”
- Colin Firth in “A Single Man”
- Morgan Freeman in “Invictus”
- Jeremy Renner in “The Hurt Locker”
And The Gamer-Oscar Goes To: Morgan Freeman! Freeman is a lock for this category. He looks really cool and badass, and his name is surprisingly close to “Gordon Freeman,” protagonist in the Half-Life games.
Actor in a Supporting Role
- Matt Damon in “Invictus”
- Woody Harrelson in “The Messenger”
- Christopher Plummer in “The Last Station”
- Stanley Tucci in “The Lovely Bones”
- Christoph Waltz in “Inglourious Basterds”
And The Gamer-Oscar Goes To: Stanley Tucci! Tucci’s last name sounds like “tushy,” LOL! Plus, the movie is called “The Lovely Bones.” heh. “bones.” Woody Harrelson is a close second.
Actress in a Leading Role
- Sandra Bullock in “The Blind Side”
- Helen Mirren in “The Last Station”
- Carey Mulligan in “An Education”
- Gabourey Sidibe in “Precious: Based on the Novel ‘Push’ by Sapphire”
- Meryl Streep in “Julie & Julia”
And The Gamer-Oscar Goes To: Gabourey Sidibe! Sidibe walks home with the prize because “Push by Sapphire” might be an obscure J-RPG.
Actress in a Supporting Role
- Penélope Cruz in “Nine”
- Vera Farmiga in “Up in the Air”
- Maggie Gyllenhaal in “Crazy Heart”
- Anna Kendrick in “Up in the Air”
- Mo’Nique in “Precious: Based on the Novel ‘Push’ by Sapphire”
And The Gamer-Oscar Goes To: No votes received in this category.
Animated Feature Film
- “Coraline” Henry Selick
- “Fantastic Mr. Fox” Wes Anderson
- “The Princess and the Frog” John Musker and Ron Clements
- “The Secret of Kells” Tomm Moore
- “Up” Pete Docter
And The Gamer-Oscar Goes To: These movies are for kids. And movies for kids are like games for kids: Terrible. So I don’t know, Secret of the Kells? Sure, whatever.
Short Film (Live Action)
- The Door” — Juanita Wilson and James Flyn
- “Instead of Abracadabra” — Patrik Eklund and Mathias Fjellström
- Kavi” — Gregg Helve
- “Miracle Fish” — Luke Doolan and Drew Bailey
- The New Tenants” — Joachim Back and Tivi Magnusson
And The Gamer-Oscar Goes To: The Door! I know. I can't wait for the next Silent Hill game either.
- “Avatar” Art Direction: Rick Carter and Robert Stromberg; Set Decoration: Kim Sinclair
- The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus” Art Direction: Dave Warren and Anastasia Masaro; Set Decoration: Caroline Smith
- “Nine” Art Direction: John Myhre; Set Decoration: Gordon Sim
- “Sherlock Holmes” Art Direction: Sarah Greenwood; Set Decoration: Katie Spencer
- “The Young Victoria” Art Direction: Patrice Vermette; Set Decoration: Maggie Gray
And The Gamer-Oscar Goes To: Avatar, clearly. Although “Imaginariaum of Dr. Parnassus” is the new Borderlands DLC.
- “Avatar” Mauro Fiore
- “Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince” Bruno Delbonnel
- “The Hurt Locker” Barry Ackroyd
- “Inglourious Basterds” Robert Richardson
- “The White Ribbon” Christian Berger
And The Gamer-Oscar Goes To: Avatar! Also, what’s “Cinematography?”
Documentary (Short Subject)
- “China’s Unnatural Disaster: The Tears of Sichuan Province” Jon Alpert and Matthew O’Neill
- “The Last Campaign of Governor Booth Gardner” Daniel Junge and Henry Ansbacher
- "The Last Truck: Closing of a GM Plant” Steven Bognar and Julia Reichert
- “Music by Prudence” Roger Ross Williams and Elinor Burkett
- “Rabbit à la Berlin” Bartek Konopka and Anna Wydra
And The Gamer-Oscar Goes To: Avatar! It wasn’t nominated for this, but it’s frickin’ AVATAR!!
- “Avatar” James Cameron
- “The Hurt Locker” Kathryn Bigelow
- "Inglourious Basterds” Quentin Tarantino
- “Precious: Based on the Novel ‘Push’ by Sapphire” Lee Daniels
- “Up in the Air” Jason Reitman
And The Gamer-Oscar Goes To: Up in the Air! Just kidding: AVATAR!
Foreign Language Film
- Ajami” Israel
- El Secreto de Sus Ojos” Argentina
- “The Milk of Sorrow” Peru
- “Un Prophète” France
- “The White Ribbon” Germany
And The Gamer-Oscar Goes To: WTF? There are other languages? How you say “Avatar” en fracaise?
- “Avatar” Stephen Rivkin, John Refoua and James Cameron
- “District 9” Julian Clarke
- “The Hurt Locker” Bob Murawski and Chris Innis
- “Inglourious Basterds” Sally Menke
- “Precious: Based on the Novel ‘Push’ by Sapphire” Joe Klotz
And The Gamer-Oscar Goes To: To be determined. Vicious fanboy in-fighting between Avatar fans and aficionados of District 9 escalates into actual warfare. The winner-enevelope burns.
- Avatar” James Cameron and Jon Landau, Producers
- “The Blind Side” Nominees to be determined
- “District 9” Peter Jackson and Carolynne Cunningham, Producers
- “An Education” Finola Dwyer and Amanda Posey, Producers
- “The Hurt Locker” Nominees to be determined
- “Inglourious Basterds” Lawrence Bender, Producer
- “Precious: Based on the Novel ‘Push’ by Sapphire” Lee Daniels, Sarah Siegel-Magness and Gary Magness, Producers
- “A Serious Man” Joel Coen and Ethan Coen, Producers
- “Up” Jonas Rivera, Producer
- “Up in the Air” Daniel Dubiecki, Ivan Reitman and Jason Reitman, Producers
And The Best-Picture Gamer-Oscar Goes To: Modern Warfare 2!
What do you think? Did I get this right or what?