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If Gamers Gave The Oscars

sjohnson
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Posted February 3, 2010 - By Stephen Johnson

If Gamers Gave The Oscars

Yesterday, the full list of Oscar nominees was announced. All the usual suspects are represented: Avatar, The Hurt Locker, Final Fantasy VII Advent Children Complete, (just kidding about that last one.) The winners will be determined by the mysterious "Academy," a group of film industry professionals and black magic practitioners who vote on who gets a statue during the 82nd Oscars to be held on March 7. So, basically, a bunch of millionaires are going to give each other trophies for being awesome. Hooray! But The Oscars would be a different affair altogether if gamers gave out Academy Awards. Below, please find the gamers' choice for the major Oscar categories:

Actor in a Leading Role

  • Jeff Bridges in “Crazy Heart”
  • George Clooney in “Up in the Air”
  • Colin Firth in “A Single Man”
  • Morgan Freeman in “Invictus”
  • Jeremy Renner in “The Hurt Locker”

And The Gamer-Oscar Goes To: Morgan Freeman!  Freeman is a lock for this category. He looks really cool and badass, and his name is surprisingly close to “Gordon Freeman,” protagonist in the Half-Life games.

 Actor in a Supporting Role

  •  Matt Damon in “Invictus”
  •  Woody Harrelson in “The Messenger”
  • Christopher Plummer in “The Last Station”
  • Stanley Tucci in “The Lovely Bones”
  • Christoph Waltz in “Inglourious Basterds”

And The Gamer-Oscar Goes To: Stanley Tucci! Tucci’s last name sounds like “tushy,” LOL!  Plus, the movie is called “The Lovely Bones.” heh. “bones.” Woody Harrelson is a close second.

Actress in a Leading Role

  • Sandra Bullock in “The Blind Side”
  • Helen Mirren in “The Last Station” 
  • Carey Mulligan in “An Education”
  • Gabourey Sidibe in “Precious: Based on the Novel ‘Push’ by Sapphire”
  • Meryl Streep in “Julie & Julia”

And The Gamer-Oscar Goes To: Gabourey Sidibe!  Sidibe walks home with the prize because “Push by Sapphire” might be an obscure J-RPG. 

Actress in a Supporting Role

  • Penélope Cruz in “Nine”
  • Vera Farmiga in “Up in the Air”
  • Maggie Gyllenhaal in “Crazy Heart”
  • Anna Kendrick in “Up in the Air”
  •  Mo’Nique in “Precious: Based on the Novel ‘Push’ by Sapphire”

And The Gamer-Oscar Goes To:  No votes received in this category.

Animated Feature Film

  • “Coraline” Henry Selick
  •  “Fantastic Mr. Fox” Wes Anderson
  • “The Princess and the Frog” John Musker and Ron Clements
  •  “The Secret of Kells” Tomm Moore
  • “Up” Pete Docter

And The Gamer-Oscar Goes To: These movies are for kids. And movies for kids are like games for kids: Terrible. So I don’t know, Secret of the Kells? Sure, whatever.

Short Film (Live Action)

  • The Door” — Juanita Wilson and James Flyn
  • “Instead of Abracadabra” — Patrik Eklund and Mathias Fjellström
  • Kavi” — Gregg Helve
  • “Miracle Fish” — Luke Doolan and Drew Bailey
  • The New Tenants” — Joachim Back and Tivi Magnusson

And The Gamer-Oscar Goes To:  The Door! I know. I can't wait for the next Silent Hill game either.

Art Direction

  • “Avatar” Art Direction: Rick Carter and Robert Stromberg; Set Decoration: Kim Sinclair
  • The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus” Art Direction: Dave Warren and Anastasia Masaro; Set Decoration: Caroline Smith
  • “Nine” Art Direction: John Myhre; Set Decoration: Gordon Sim
  • “Sherlock Holmes” Art Direction: Sarah Greenwood; Set Decoration: Katie Spencer
  • “The Young Victoria” Art Direction: Patrice Vermette; Set Decoration: Maggie Gray

And The Gamer-Oscar Goes To:  Avatar, clearly. Although “Imaginariaum of Dr. Parnassus” is the new Borderlands DLC.

Cinematography

  • “Avatar” Mauro Fiore
  •  “Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince” Bruno Delbonnel
  • “The Hurt Locker” Barry Ackroyd
  • “Inglourious Basterds” Robert Richardson
  • “The White Ribbon” Christian Berger
    Avatar wins.

And The Gamer-Oscar Goes To: Avatar! Also, what’s “Cinematography?”

Documentary (Short Subject)

  • “China’s Unnatural Disaster: The Tears of Sichuan Province” Jon Alpert and Matthew O’Neill
  • “The Last Campaign of Governor Booth Gardner” Daniel Junge and Henry Ansbacher
  • "The Last Truck: Closing of a GM Plant” Steven Bognar and Julia Reichert
  • “Music by Prudence” Roger Ross Williams and Elinor Burkett
  • “Rabbit à la Berlin” Bartek Konopka and Anna Wydra

And The Gamer-Oscar Goes To:  Avatar!  It wasn’t nominated for this, but it’s frickin’ AVATAR!!

Directing

  •  “Avatar” James Cameron
  • “The Hurt Locker” Kathryn Bigelow
  • "Inglourious Basterds” Quentin Tarantino
  •  “Precious: Based on the Novel ‘Push’ by Sapphire” Lee Daniels
  • “Up in the Air” Jason Reitman

And The Gamer-Oscar Goes To:  Up in the Air! Just kidding: AVATAR!
 

Foreign Language Film

  • Ajami” Israel
  • El Secreto de Sus Ojos” Argentina
  • “The Milk of Sorrow” Peru
  • “Un Prophète” France
  • “The White Ribbon” Germany

And The Gamer-Oscar Goes To:  WTF? There are other languages? How you say “Avatar” en fracaise?

Film Editing

  •  “Avatar” Stephen Rivkin, John Refoua and James Cameron
  •  “District 9” Julian Clarke
  •  “The Hurt Locker” Bob Murawski and Chris Innis
  • “Inglourious Basterds” Sally Menke
  •  “Precious: Based on the Novel ‘Push’ by Sapphire” Joe Klotz

And The Gamer-Oscar Goes To:  To be determined. Vicious fanboy in-fighting between Avatar fans and aficionados of District 9 escalates into actual warfare. The winner-enevelope burns.

Best Picture

  • Avatar” James Cameron and Jon Landau, Producers
  • “The Blind Side” Nominees to be determined
  • “District 9” Peter Jackson and Carolynne Cunningham, Producers
  • “An Education” Finola Dwyer and Amanda Posey, Producers
  • “The Hurt Locker” Nominees to be determined
  • “Inglourious Basterds” Lawrence Bender, Producer
  • “Precious: Based on the Novel ‘Push’ by Sapphire” Lee Daniels, Sarah Siegel-Magness and Gary Magness, Producers
  • “A Serious Man” Joel Coen and Ethan Coen, Producers
  • “Up” Jonas Rivera, Producer
  • “Up in the Air” Daniel Dubiecki, Ivan Reitman and Jason Reitman, Producers

And The Best-Picture Gamer-Oscar Goes To: Modern Warfare 2!

What do you think? Did I get this right or what?

If Gamers Gave The Oscars
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