In honor of the titular heroine of Sega’s upcoming hack-n-sexy-slash-ction fest Bayonetta, we here at G4 have gone ahead and plumbed the depths of our collective creative…idea…brain…spaces…to bring you a list of five other video game characters we’d like to see rock the sexy librarian look. The list ranges from the technically compelling to the absurd to the slightly nauseating, but the one thing all the choices have in common is that they’re all damn, damn sexy.
Number Five: Samus Aran - Metroid Prime
This one is kind of a no-brainer, given how indelible the image of Samus Aran’s reveal at the end of the original Metroid is in the minds of gamers everywhere. It also doesn’t hurt that over the years, Samus only got hotter, thanks in large part to her increasingly sexier form-fitting power armor…oh, and her contributions to female empowerment in video games. Now, while we could have just said, “Samus wearing sexy librarian glasses. Done and done,” we wanted to get a little creative with this one, so we went the first-person route with Samus, since being able to play as Samus as a sexy librarian is just the kind of meta-creepy we can get behind.
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Number Four: Big Daddy & Big Sister - BioShock
Don’t let the Big Daddies’ hulking antique diving suits, or the terrifyingly slight frame of the Big Sisters throw you. These Little Sister protectors are among some of the sexiest characters ever conceived. And while the helmet does present some unique challenges in terms of glasses placement, with the right Andrew Ryan-brand adhesive material, it would be an easily solved problem. Honestly, how much more terrifying would it be if you came around a corner and saw a sexy librarian Big Daddy standing there? The philosophical inadequacies of rational self-interest pale in comparison to the questions such a sight would raise.
Number Three: Alyx Vance - Half-Life 2
Valve truly outdid itself when it created Alyx Vance. Being introduced to her in Half-Life 2, and getting to know her over the course of the subsequent downloadable episodes ranks among the greatest experiences in gaming. Granted, she certainly isn’t hard to look at, but the reason most gamers over the age of 12 connected with her was because of how well her fears, anxieties, doubts and concerns came across through her animations, dialogue and body language. So naturally, given her impressive emotional and, yes, physical, characteristics, there’s simply no doubt that Alyx would be anything less than uber-stunning if she donned the appropriate librarian attire. Plus, it would give her and Gordon Freeman the chance to pull off a dramatic final scene where they both stand on the precipice of annihilation, and they know that they only have one kiss left, and at the same time, they both slowly take off their glasses, throw them away and literally kiss their world goodbye. (…sniff….)
Number Two: John Madden
Obviously, football legend John Madden kind of sticks out on this list, but then again, are there really any places that Madden doesn’t stick out? Joking aside though, the man's name carries serious weight (these just write themselves, don't they?) in the gaming world, and rightfully so, given the crazy popularity of Electronic Arts’ most cherished sports franchise that bears his name. Although to be honest, any list that doesn’t include a fat guy in a sexy lady's outfit is a list you want to steer clear of. So to honor the contributions he has made to the gaming world, and because we think that a pair of sharp librarian glasses would really accentuate his eyes and take some of the attention away from his jowls and that sausage he calls a nose, we proudly bestow second place honors on Madden (even though the idea of Sexy Librarian Madden will most assuredly cause nauseating images to form in the minds of our readers. You’re welcome.).
Number One: Birdo - Super Mario Bros. 2
A rather twisted and disturbed pick to be sure, but it also gives us a chance to give what is perhaps one of the least ogled characters in the Super Mario Bros. universe some much deserved attention. Also, it isn’t often that you get the chance to see a female character (pink dinosaur or not) dressed as a sexy librarian with objects coming out of her mouth, so that’s a plus. Besides that though, her obviously fake eyelashes and whorish demeanor give Birdo a decided leg (egg?) up on the competition. Then again, I'm not sure if this alleviates or exacerbates all of those nasty gender confusion issues that have plagued Birdo since she/he/Pat first appeared in Super Mario Bros. 2. On a positive note though, it would also mark the first family-friendly meeting between a sexy librarian and two plumbers since...well, ever.
So there’s our list, folks. We apologize if the images you’ve seen here today haunt you for the rest of your days. Also, please feel free to disagree, discuss and make your own suggestions in the comments section below.