Country's First Internet Rehab Center Opens


Posted August 20, 2009 - By Stephen Johnson


I know this looks like an ordinary blog post, but it's not.  Me and the rest of the G4 staff as well as the other commenters here are joining together to talk to you about your internet addiction. We're intervening to convince you to get the help you so desperately need.  

Your internet addiction is affecting our lives negatively in the following ways:

  • You hog the computer.
  • You actually say "el oh el," and that makes us pity you.
  • You drank all the Mountain Dew.
  • You're starting to smell bad.

Please accept the help we're offering and book some time at reSTART, the country's first detox center for internet addicts. reSTART promises to "assist participants with an internet and/or computer based behavioral addiction to break the cycle of dependency." The 45-day abstinence based recovery program "exposes participants to a variety of activities and everyday life skills which are often avoided or underdeveloped as a result of ongoing computer, video game play and internet abuse." In other words: reSTART will convince you to ride your bike once in a while.

On the negative side, the program will cost you $14,500, and your insurance company will literally laugh you out of the room if you ask them to pay for it, like they would a heroin detox. On the plus side, part of the center's treatment involves a treehouse. (Pictured.)

I've always been jealous of people who go to rehab. You get to take 90 days and live in a nice, woodsy environment, paint, think about your problems and learn how to make leather wallets during arts and crafts. In exchange, all you have to do is not shoot up! I don't shoot up now, and what do I get for it? Nothing! Plus, you can smoke cigarettes everywhere in rehab.

I'm not as excited about internet rehab, though. One of the main advantages to spending time detoxing is getting to meet people who are even harder-core drug addicts than you are, and those people are the best to hang out with. They have good scars and tattoos, plus group "sharing" meetings ensure a constant stream of entertaining and horrifying drug stories.

But what would you "share"  about at Internet camp?

  • "I'm so addicted to the internet that I still check my friendster account."
  • "I'm so addicted to the internet that I hang signs on my cat that read "I can has moar foods?"
  • "I'm so addicted the internet that I no longer use vowels."

Lame! All of them! Please, add your own internet addiction stories below. It's a caring environment, and we won't judge you. (nerd.) Oh, and take the test to see if you're a net.addict.

Country's First Internet Rehab Center Opens


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