Artist, renaissance man, poet laureate…It’s hard for me to describe myself, as modifiers haven’t yet been invented to encompass the whole of what I am, but I’ll try. My name is Mike D’Alonzo, and I am Manager of New Media and Editorial here at G4, where I oversee all of the content provided by the show teams on the website. In my spare time, I am training to be a wind walker and a spiritual guide, but I’m a simple man with simple tastes. Why, just the other day, President Obama and I were having a laugh at my secret lair in ________________, and I was telling him that I had discovered the secret to fusion technology, but hadn’t yet found the right bidder. We just laughed and laughed and went back to playing human chess with the remains of those lost at Pompeii. What can I say? That’s who I am.
 
Now, read about me in the following hilarious interview.

Interview: Mike D'Alonzo - Manager of New Media and Editorial, G4tv.com
By: Patrick Roche-Sowa

Patrick: Where were you sired? 

Mike: I was born in a naval hospital in Norfolk, VA, while my Dad was in the Navy during Vietnam. So, actually, he didn’t meet me for a couple of months after I was born. However, my family and my childhood both resided in New Jersey, very close to Atlantic City, and, yes, I’m proud of it, and, yes, it’s a lot nicer there than you think.

Patrick: Were you formally educated, or did you learn everything you needed to know from the streets? 

Mike: Both, actually.  I attended University of The Streets, in Detroit, where I majored in pimpslapping. I had the greatest instructors, including Professor Griff, who taught me in History of Security for the 1st World my Sophmore year. He sort of took me under his wing, taught me to party for my right to fight, and gave me the gift of a 1986 Buick 98. So, suckers to the side!

Patrick: How hot is the surface of the sun?

Mike: That’s an excellent question, Patrick, and I’m glad you asked. You have to ask yourself a question, though. Are you asking because you want to know, or is it that you’re afraid of the heat? Because, odds are pretty good that you’ll never be on the surface of the sun, so you shouldn’t worry too much. However, it’s very, very, very hot there, in answer to your original question.

Patrick: What is the average speed velocity of a swallow?

Mike: Laden, or unladen?

Patrick: What is the one flavor of jelly belly jellybeans that you can’t stand? (everyone has one) 

Mike: I’m always disturbed by the popcorn-flavored Jelly Belly, but it tastes like butter, so I can’t be all that unhappy about it. I would have to say cinnamon, because it tastes like pain and cardboard, all at once. I usually pick those out.

Patrick: If you were a tree, how would you inspire the forest to rise up and take the planet back from humanity?

Mike: I would own my arboreal presence, be proud of my heritage, grow as strong as I could, leading by example. I would also take out the strongest tree in the forest on my first day as an adult, following the rules of prison, so that the rest of the trees would respect me and never question my toughness ever again. Finally, I would study the word of the great prophet Elijah Mohammed, so I could rid myself of the trappings of my Earthbound presence and learn to serve Allah. Then, I would leave prison and lead a street-based uprising against my oppressors. In short, I would become the Malcom X of trees.

Patrick: Do you smell something burning?

Mike: As a matter of fact, I do. I’ve lit your cubicle on fire, Patrick, and you have five minutes to free yourself from the barbed-wire trap I’ve built around you, or you will burn to death. What will you do? What. Will.You. Do?

Patrick Roche-Sowa Asks: Patrick Roche-Sowa; great co-worker, or greatest co-worker?

Mike: Who?

Patrick: No seriously, do you smell that?

Mike: Four minutes, Patrick. What will you do?

Patrick: How will the world end, with a bang or with a whimper?

Mike: Now, this question, I’m sure, was intended to be a whimsy, but I’ve given this issue a lot of thought over the years. I think it’s dangerous and irresponsible to suggest the world will “end” in the way that most people think. However, I do think we’re cresting the wave of some sort of social epoch that will necessitate a change in the philosophy of government, science, religion, and what we consider to be “survival.”  That having been said, however, what I hope is that the world will end in a rain of porn and candy, perhaps genetically fused so that they can both be enjoyed in one experience. But I’m a dreamer.