Deconstructing The 'Final Fantasy XIII' Trailer, With Raymond Padilla


Posted January 29, 2009 - By Raymond Padilla


Final Fantasy XIII Reveal Trailer »


By now, you should have seen the amazing Final Fantasy XIII trailer (HD link!). Shame on you if you haven't! Even if you have, you should watch it again, because it totally rules. Even if you've watched it 19 times, chances are you still have no idea what the hell is going on. After all, this is a Japanese role-playing game and they're notoriously difficult to decipher (if you can't read Japanese).

This is where I come in! I've put together a handy guide -- complete with time stamps -- to help you understand what's happening in this incredible trailer. Along with my flippant comments, I've also provided some analysis on the brief gameplay sequences show in the trailer. Just keep in mind that I only took one semester of Japanese and wasn't able to read a thing in the trailer.

Check out my rolling commentary and let me know if you agree or disagree with any of my observations. Enjoy!

00:10 -- It's some kind of a bug-looking thing. It reminds me of Parallax (the embodiment, not Hal Jordan). The airships and their energy trails look awesome...but do they Gcycle?!?

00:18 -- A cute Japanese voice starts narrating. I have a crush on her already.

00:22 -- Her ridiculous hat obliterates my crush.
00:26 -- Insectoid soldier of death appears. What's with all the bug stuff?!?

00:29 -- Girly-man protagonist shows up to destroy the insectoid soldiers of death. Oh wait, it's a girl...I think. His/her hair is stunning. I wonder what kind of conditioner he/she uses??

00:32 -- A ridiculous Japanese voice starts narrating. I most definitely do not have a crush on him.

00:33 -- The lead character is a girl. Phew. It's so hard to tell with Japanese RPG characters. That Tidus chick was totally hot, though.

00:36 -- Warrior princess activates her "glow," which she obviously stole from The Last Dragon. The glow helps her kick all kinds of ass in an awesome action sequence.

00:46 -- The gang shows up. It's Wakka's cousin, dude with a condom on his head, Toad from The Brotherhood of Evil Mutants, and sexy girl that wears alluring clothes that are totally inappropriate for combat.

00:53 -- The crew has addressed a bunch of poor and dirty people. I'm thinking FFXIII has some kind of caste system.

00:55 -- Condom head asks for cannon fodder volunteers.

01:00 -- The protagonist shows up on a train. She looks more like a guy now. I'm still pretty sure she's a girl...though you can never be too careful.

01:07 -- The spaceships are completely awesome. Totally cool! I might have to change my pants.

01:10 -- The insectoid soldiers of death shoot the dirty people.

01:14 --Wakka's cousin arrives to help out the untouchables.

01:20 -- It's time for a giant spaceship fight!

01:22 -- The protagonist shows up again. This time she's decidedly feminine. It's confounding.

01:38 -- The gorgeous cutscene turns into gorgeous gameplay!

01:57 -- This is pretty interesting stuff. The action uses Square's traditional Active Time Battle (ATB) mechanics and appears to be more traditional than Final Fantasy XII's. The big difference between this and previous FF games is that the action shifts from character to character. It's more realistic this way, as opposed to watching your party members stand around, waiting for their chance to attack.

02:01 -- The action shifts to a snowy area, where the party is fighting lion-like creatures that were stolen from Okami. Hmmmm, condom head was just standing around for a few seconds, so maybe the camera doesn't cover up all the ATB lulls.

02:07 -- Condom head is fighting the Okami monsters now. Oh wait,the others are there too. This area looks like Endor --it's part forest and part tech stuff.

02:20 -- Goodbye gameplay. Welcome back custscenes. Back in the city of the untouchables, condom head is crawling. He appears to have lower-back pain. He should take some Excedrin.

-- The untouchables are attacked by feline creatures that are covered in bubbles. They almost look like Voltron lions covered in Dow Scrubbing Bubbles. There's voice-over work again too. You know, sometimes I wish Timothy Van Patten narrated my life, just like in Master Ninja.

02:39 -- Awesome stuff blows up in awesomely awesome explosions full of awesomeness...and the trailer ends.


Deconstructing The 'Final Fantasy XIII' Trailer, With Raymond Padilla


Blog Tags

  • International Sexy Ladies Show: Messy Cat Fight

    Posted: January 27, 2010

    644,696 Views | 00:49

  • Sara Underwood's Naked Bike Ride

    Posted: June 22, 2011

    1,316,284 Views | 05:20

  • Laser Snake Robots, More Mars Rovers and BigDog Is Back

    Posted: September 25, 2012

    1,290 Views | 03:00

  • NBA 2K13 Launch Trailer

    Posted: October 4, 2012

    5,601 Views | 01:53

  • Casual Vomiting - Web Soup Investigates

    Posted: March 30, 2011

    7,570 Views | 02:52