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Alternate Reality E3: Big 3 Press Conferences

Yodapollo
59 Comments

Posted July 26, 2008 - By Yodapollo

Ladies and Gentlemen, we have a really special weekend feature for you today. For the first time in our recorded history, we have found proof of an alternate universe. That's right, we now know of a parallel dimension that perfectly reflects our own, aside from a few minor (and some not-so-minor) differences. The said proof is a live blog from another E3, an E3 that never was, but so closely could have been. An E3 where the fanboys' deepest (and darkest) wishes actually can come to fruition.

Friends, fellow-travelers, readers of TheFeed, sit back and enjoy our adventure into a world so much like and yet so far from our own. Enjoy our alternate-reality version of E3 2008 via Live Blog.

MONDAY, JULY 14TH, 2008

MICROSOFT PRESS CONFERENCE

10:00 AM - Here we are, waiting for E3 to officially kick off. Any minute now, Microsoft will be taking the stage and letting us in on some awesome announcements. What will we have in store? New Motion controller? Mii-like avatars? Maybe a new Halo title? All questions will be answered in minutes.

10:17 AM - The energy here is palpable. Nothing's happened yet onstage, but everyone is waiting, stirring slightly from their excitement.

10:23 AM - I finished my bagel and and I have a little cream cheese left over in the tub.

INSTANT POLL: Would it be unseemly of me to finish off the cream cheese by swabbing the the remnants from the tub with my finger? If it helps you in choosing, I wash my hands at least ten times a day.

10:32 AM - AND E3 2008 IS UNDERWAY!!!! Don Mattrick has taken the stage and wastes no time getting to the boring stuff. Here are the deets:

  • Xbox 360 are up in every terriroty (excluding Japan)
  • Bill Gates will continue to have active role in day-to-day activities via Xbox Live Vision Cam.

10:50 AM - Finally, some game news! Here comes Cliffy B! Here comes Cliffy B!

10:55 AM - Back from the bathroom. Gears mastermind Cliff Bleszinski is on stage offering some sweet sweet Gears news. How sweet you ask? How about not only Gears 2, but Gears 2, 3, and 4?! And how about all three before the end of 2009?!!!

Following in the footsteps of The Matrix and Pirates of the Carribean, all three Gears sequels were produced simultaneously to allow for only three month separation in release dates. Hey, it worked well for the quality of those films, why not with this badass franchise, right?

11:15 AM - Okay, here we go. Time for the BIG announcement! The lights are going down. It's a trailer! It's a trailer! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG!

ANNOUNCED: MARATHON ORIGINS: HALO 4 from Bungie! This is it! OMG GOTY! It certainly looks like Microsoft has put the nail in the Sony's coffin and E3 has just started!

TUESDAY, JULY 15TH, 2008

NINTENDO PRESS CONFERENCE

9:00 AM - Still recovering from the hangover of awesomeness experienced yesterday at the Microsoft press conference. Marathon Origins is going to rock! But, enough of Microsoft, this is Nintendo's time to shine. They're number one in the standings right now, let's see what they have to hold their place. We've been promised games that will make "hardcore" fans sit up and take notice. Let's see if they can live up to their talk.

9:15 AM - Reggie's onstage for Nintendo. I don't know what it is about him, but when I see him talking about Nintendo, I just wanna hug the guy.

9:20 AM - Nintendo's preparing to make their big announcement for "hardcore" fans. What could it possibly be? GTA IV for Wii? Maybe that long lost Halo for the DS? We'll know in seconds...

9:22 AM - Oh. My. God. "Legitimate" Actress Jenna Jameson has taken the stage to announce that PC adult-themed smash title, Virtually Jenna will be making its way to Wii and DS systems this Christmas. Reggie says, "This is the perfect gift for that hardcore fan in your family." Of course, the game will feature motion-sensitive controls of the Wiimote and the DS version will offer stylus capabilities never before seen in videogames.

But that's not all, according to Fils-Aime! We've got another big announcement...

"Everybody loves a cult classic," says the President of Nintendo, "and that's why Super Columbine Massacre RPG is coming to the Wii!"

Unbelievable announcement! We have details:

  • Game will be distributed via WiiWare
  • Features include online Co-Op mode
  • Will be available for download as of 2PM ET TODAY!!!

9:30 AM - Fret not, Casual Gamer. Nintendo hasn't abandoned you yet. The final game announced for Nintendo is aimed at you: HUG REGGIE!

The game uses the motion sensitivity of the Wiimote and Nunchuck to allow you to spread the love with Nintendo of America's President Reggie Fils-Aime. Also announced, Shigeru Miyamoto will be an unlockable character in the game.

9:45 AM - Also announced, new installments to the following franchises: SUPER MARIO, ZELDA, KID ICARUS, PIKMIN, METROID, PUNCH OUT, and RAD RACER!

SONY PRESS CONFERENCE

11:30 AM - Just waiting for SONY's Jack Tretton to take the stage and close out the Big 3 Press conferences.

Nintendo's event was pretty impressive, but I still think Microsoft is winning. What do you think? Please comment and share your thougts. No spamming, please.

11:37 AM - Tretton has taken the stage. He's going to start with the business numbers as he'd like to get "the boring stuff" out of the way first and move on the exicting announcements.

11:40 AM - It's so cute! He's using LittleBigPlanet to as a kind of PowerPoint presentation for their numbers. Kudos, Jack! You might not have blown my skirt up yet, but so far, you're definitely the most entertaining.

12:00 PM - DUAL-ANNOUNCEMENT: GOD OF WAR III PLAYABLE AT E3!!!

Also, GOD OF WAR feature film to be written and directed by Woody Allen! Methinks somebody watched Crimes and Misdemeanors and a light bulb went off. A lot of people will probably have a problem with this, but I saw Cassandra's Dream and boy, Woody has gotten dark!

12:15 PM - Tretton promises a huge announcement is coming, but we have a couple of other games to get to before we're there.

12:20 PM - ANNOUNCEMENT: GRAN TURISMO RADIO - Listen to the roar of your favorite engine anytime you want via PSN. Available tonight at 8PM ET!

12:27 PM - ANNOUNCEMENT: M.A.G. - Massive Action Game - The title will feature online capabilities of up to 2,048 players spanning a virtual battlefield the size of Manhattan. Other features:

  • Squad Based Combat
  • Field Promotions based of Experience and Statistics
  • "This Is Not ENDER'S GAME"
  • Completion of Two-Year Commitment to Game Gets You 4-Year Scholarship to College.

12:49 PM - Okay, it's time for the big announcement. It's ANOTHTER PS3?! WTF?

Tretton assures us that there is more to this PS3 than meets the eye.

12:53 PM - Tretton welcomes a guest to the stage to help with a demonstration of the PS3's new features. The guest is Marvin Donner of Xbox Live Customer Support Service Center. He looks like a nice enough guy, but he appears very nervous on stage, like he wasn't expecting this or something.

12:58 PM - Well, Donner is in his chair and strapped in for the demonstration. Tretton has left the stage. It's just Donner and the PS3 now. OMG! I think I know what this is. I'm going to try and type it quick to prove I called it before it happened! Thought Control! The new PS3 features thought control! I knew it! I knew it! I knew--

Wait... The PS3 is moving!

It's shifting around, like a toy of some sort. I don't undertstand... What is it... IT'S A ROBOT!!! The new PS3 is a  F***ING ROBOT!!!

The robot is slowly approaching Donner, who looks incredibly scared and is attempting to wrestle himself loose of the chair. Don't think it's happening, bud. OMG, the robot has revealed it's buzz-saw attachment for it's right hand. OMG!

INSTANT POLL: Does the killer-PS3-robot prove more impressive than Halo 4?

1:04 PM - Well, let's just say that was messy. Tretton has come back onstage to wish us well and hopes we all have a great E3. You know, if the past two days are any sign, I'm sure I will!

Alternate Reality E3: Big 3 Press Conferences
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