In honor of July 4th, and its celebration of all things American, please enjoy the below list of people and things that totally fail at Jingoism. That’s right, folks, it’s Epic Fail: Patriots!
The 18-1 2007-2008 New England Patriots: Never was there a group of Patriots who failed as spectacularly as the 2008 New England Patriots. Pretty much crowned the first ever 19-0 professional football team, writers were already planning the Pats’ place in the pantheon of greatest teams ever. It was a mortal lock. A done deal. All they had to do was dispatch the New York Giants, a team they’d already handled during the regular season. A team that many thought was weak, and lucky just to be there. Of course, as they say, that’s why you play the game. When it was all said and done, the Patriots were a statistical footnote to the game of football, the Giants were the World Champions, and, for one glorious day, the residents of 21st Century New England, who have become a bizarro version of themselves from the 20th Century, were forced into stunned silence. The quietest Monday of all.
The Patriots from Metal Gear Solid: I’m going to spare all you Feeders the injustice of having to read a poorly written missive on why these guys blow and just break this down into 2 easy-to-digest morsels:
1) They wanted to censor the flow of digital information which, if successful, would’ve probably robbed us of internet classics like The Star Wars Kid and Two Girls, One Cup.
2) Their nickname is the “La-li-lu-le-lo” which JUST. SOUNDS. RIDICULOUS.
The Patriot (Wrestler): In 1997, the Word Wrestling Federation (as it was known before being pwnt by the World Wildlife Fund for copyright infringement) was waist deep in a cheesy and embarrassingly entertaining story-line featuring anti-American sentiment from our neighbors from the North, Canada.
Bret "The Hitman" Hart was leading the charge in his hot pink/black leotard glory. With Canucks claiming most of the "american" wrestling titles at the time all looked lost. Who could possibly step in to take up the challenge? Enter journeyman masked wrestler The Patriot (a.k.a. Del Wilkes) who stepped up to defend American honor and pride but more importantly tasteful acts of patriotism... ahem. He was eventually able to defeat Bret Hart in a non-title match by way of classic interference from a more than willing Shawn Michaels. (i.e. cheating) Yay, showing how it's done, American style.
This was pretty much the run of The Patriot's career in the WWF, as he then went on to battle painkiller, cocaine and steroid addictions/abuses. This PATRIOT = EPIC FAIL... and I = Epic fail too, for being able to remember this storyline.
Anyone with a “Support Our Troops” magnet on the back of their car: I fully support our troops, and I have nothing against people who think they’re being good Americans, however, let’s make this clear: Buying a yellow ribbon magnet and sticking it to the back of your Ford Explorer is not showing your patriotism or support of the troops at all. You, my magnet-sporting friend, are simply telling the world and our government that you are an easily-influenced nationalist and an obedient consumer.
If you want to show your patriotism, join your local government. If you want to support our troops, donate to or volunteer for your local veterans hospital. These magnets are the United States equivalent of “Live Strong” bracelets. Buying a 2 dollar rubber bracelet is not supporting cancer research, it’s picking up a fashion accessory. Buying a yellow ribbon magnet for your car does not support our troops in any way, it shows all the other soccer-mom’s that you’re just as much of a capitalist wh*re as they are.
The Patriot Missile: Raytheon’s Patriot Missile is an epic fail. While many view the combination of the Patriot missile’s AN/MSQ-104 Engagement Control Station and its distinctive M901 Launching Station as an improvement over previous Surface to Air missiles, in reality, the Patriot’s modular digital airborne guidance system’s midcourse correction package has provided substandard response in some ballistics tests. You don’t have to be a rocket scientist to see the clear benefits of this system over… oh, wait. You do have to be a rocket scientist. Never mind.
Roy Cohn: There is no greater epic fail patriot than one who commits terrible atrocities that go against everything this country stands for and still claims that he or she is just performing their patriotic duty. Roy Cohn was exactly such a person.
Roy Cohn achieved his greatest notoriety as a consultant for Joseph McCarthy in the days of the House Un-American Activities Committee, and assisted in the prosecution of Julius and Ethel Rosenberg. Cohn conspired in the destruction of numerous lives through actions of the HUAC.
Cohn's only one redeeming legacy is that he provided the inspiration for the blue-haired lawyer in The Simpsons.
The Patriot (Mel Gibson Movie) This movie, coming just 5 years after the award-winning Braveheart, clocks in at around 160 minutes of historically-questionable ridiculousness. It wasn’t as inaccurate as Braveheart, mind you, but it’s still pretty ridiculous.
It elevated the British to almost Nazi levels of hatred for their brutal tactics and murdering of women and children. Even better, it was written by a German guy and directed by another German guy! Are they trying to give the Nazi’s some company? You be the judge. How does Mel respond to this? It was “a film with a bias - told from a point of view.”
Also, Harrison Ford turned down the lead role… and he was in Firewall.
American Car Flags: It's righteous enough to be proud of your country at your own home as you hang that red, white and blue banner at your front porch. But to have an American flag sticking out on your car window (or for most people, windows) is another thing. Yes, we get it that you are a great American my friend, but is it really necessary to have that thing flap at the side of your vehicle? Might as well stick your head out the window and yell, "CHARGE!" while you're at it.
Benedict Arnold: A name that has become synonymous with the term 'traitor,' Benedict Arnold was a distinguished General in our fight for independence from British rule. As an American general, he is credited with some of the most important victories in the Revolutionary War, but thanks to being passed over for promotion several times and charges of corruption lobbed at him from political opponents in the Continental Congress, he grew disenfranchised with the cause. In July 1780, he gained control of the fort at West Point in New York and promptly sold it to the British for 20,000 pounds and a military pension. Once he was found out, he escaped down the Hudson and retired in London with his ugly wife.
Epic Win Patriot: France: Without the assistance of France during the Revolutionary war, Great Britain may well have been able to hold onto its colonies and we'd be speaking English to this very day. Plus, is there anything more Patriotic than French Fries? We think not! Also: We want to stir you up.