This week's Epic Fail list looks at the most epically fail-filled fanboys in the gaming world. We've all wasted enough bandwidth talking about the "console wars," though, so we're sticking to fans of specific games or series. Get it?
Prepare to be insulted, The Internet; here's our list of Epic Fail: Fanboys:
Metal Gear Solid Fanboys: In commemoration of the release of Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots, I felt obligated to include Metal Gear fanboys on this list. I've spoken with several around the office in the past few weeks, all salivating at the thought of getting their hands on Kojima's latest long winded stealth "experience", and I have few words to share with them now:
1) Contrary to what many of you have said, this game is not cool because it's like a movie. It's not a movie, it's a videogame. I know it can sometimes be hard to remember when you haven't picked up your controller in 20 minutes.
2) The story does not make sense. If you insist that it does make sense, then I insist you are really Kojima in disguise and that you are crazy.
3) Kojima is crazy. He's not a "unique storyteller with a bizarre sense of humor". He's crazy. That is all.
Having shared that, enjoy your "interactive movie" and let me know if you come across any fun videogames in the future.
Naruto Fanboys: I know I don’t understand Naruto, but it’s not made any easier when people try and explain it to me. Believe it! First off, there are 800 games that all have the same five words in the title (Extreme, Ninja, Rise, Challenge, Championship), just re-jiggered into a different order for each release. (Naruto: Extreme Championship Ninja Challenge, anyone?) And the fanboys pretend they understand this convoluted mess of a story that seems to neuter games like Street Fighter, and replace what was ballsy with anime dialogue straight from the Speed Racer canon…from 1966. Believe it! Also, Naruto fanboys dress in orange jumpsuits, like their hero, which has the cumulative effect of looking like a convict crossed with a snowboarder, without being as cool as either. Believe it!
World of Warcraft: WoW fanboys are the most epically fail simply because of their number. Ten million people play the game and every single one of them is a fanboy. It’s unavoidable: WoW is so big and so complicated that there’s no such thing as a casual player. Sure, you might start off with the idea of only devoting an hour a night to your elf or gnome or whatever, but, before long, you’ll need to know how to boost your DPS, where the best spots to mine iron are, and how to earn the gold for your level 40 mount. So you’ll check out the FAQs and webcasts. Then you’ll pop on to message boards. And before you know it, you’re spending patch day engaged in dumb arguments about which class was nerfed by the last update, and trying to organize a raid with 39 other no-life-having flies trapped in the World of Warcraft spiderweb.
Then, you’ll start not being able to relate to people who don't play WoW. The epic shoulder pads you spent many hours earning mean nothing to the rest of the world, and you’ll never be able to bridge the understanding gap. Just try and explain to a normal human that you spend hour after hour staring at a computer repeating tasks, but it's not a boring data entry job. It's a game. And you pay someone to play it!
But you’ll try and make them understand anyway. You’ll be at a party trying to win friends and influence women with your leet Wow exploits, and because your social skills have been shredded off by months of basement dwelling you might not even notice how everyone you meet averts their gaze and subtly slides away from you with a confused/disgusted look on their face. Before long, you’ll be crapping in a sock.
Final Fantasy: The game has like 12 sequels, 30 spin-offs or associated titles, and has basically become a developer unto itself. Ironic considering the title would make you assume that the first edition would be the last. We can't for the life of us figure out why anyone would be so obsessed with the entire thing. Sure, Final Fantasy III (US, VI in Japan) was awesome and groundbreaking. But that doesn't mean that we need to see 500 installments of the same --or in some cases not same enough (I'm looking at you Dirge of the Cerberus)--garbage over and over. And cosplayers, I'm sorry but I gotta say it; Final Fantasy has the most annoying whiny little cosplaying pubes of any series. If there were an upside to all this Rikku, Peekmu, and Aerith fanaticism, it would be the hotter side of the cosplayer, which is an incredible sight to behold. (see above) Trouble is we've had to wade through so much crappy manga, spikey wigs, fanfiction, Hollywood movies, and whiny forum bile that we forget how awesome the ACTUAL GAME was. You fail Final Fantasy Fanboy. You fail hot girls everywhere.
Shin Megami Tensi: Ok, I understand this is a good series of hardcore games that deliver a high level of depth, challenge, and story. I'm not discounting the games or their contributions to the gaming community, but the fans have got to stop. A good friend of mine, who happens to be a 30 year old American man form California, has been reduced to the persona of a 12 year old Japanese boy. He has every game in the series, including original super Nintendo games running through emulators. He has the novels, the anime movie, action figures, AIM emoticons, monster encyclopedias, art books....it never ends! Tensi Fanboys are not an epic fail because of the games, it's because they JUST WON'T STOP.
Sonic: Sonic fanboys are the absolute worst. If you’re a Sonic fanboy... I don’t even know how to talk to you. Sonic had a few good games back on the Genesis and then went straight to the trash bin when they went 3D and tried to add serious plots.
Furthermore, the amount of scary Sonic fansites that exist solely to discuss how hot they think Amy is freaks me out to the point of no return. You might not be a furry, but you’re walking the line.
The new Sonic looks pretty cool, though.
Bonus Epic Win:
Rock Band : Rock Band fans are epically win because, well, it's the one game the entirety of G4 agrees is awesome, and we are all winners! Okay, maybe not, but we squeal when the weekly DLC tracks are announced and still bust it out even though it's been on the shelves for months. Plus, girls like to play Rock Band, so you can play videogames and hang out with girls at the same time, which is rare and awesome and epically win!