Epic Fail: First Person Shooters


Posted May 22, 2008 - By Stephen Johnson

This week's Epic Fail lists the most epically failure-riffic First Person Shooters ever. It was inspired by the release of Haze, a much hoped-for PlayStation 3 exclusive that came out earlier this week and has failed to live up to fans' dreams. Such is life, and such are our Epic Fail First-Person Shooters.

Haze: This PlayStation 3 game isn't horrible, it's just totally generic, and was totally over-hyped. It's derivative and just, well, boring. So are most FPS that aren't Halo of course, but everyone just expected so much more from the team that brought us Goldeneye, especially when coupled with the interesting NECTAR idea. Such a good idea! Such "blah" implementation! Such a failure! Sorry, PlayStation 3 owners: This is not the game you were waiting for.
--Stephen Johnson

Darkwatch-- I can imagine the pitch meeting now. "Ok, picture this. A first person shooter western where you play as an undead vampire who's tasked with ridding the world of all the other vampires, zombies, and other assorted ghouls!" Piece of advice for those of you out there who work in game or film development, if a pitch meeting starts like this, call for security. The thing about 2005's Darkwatch is that the game isn't all that horrible, it's just the concept that make you want to slap the developers upside the head. This game actually could have been good. If they didn't take themselves so seriously and ran with the campy, over the top, ridiculousness of it all the laughter could have covered up the cheeze-ball groans. Instead, we're left with vampire cowboys. Way to go. 
--Patrick Roche Sowa

America’s Army – It’s not that it’s a bad game, per se, but it’s a whole lot less fun killing fake people when you know that it’s just a set-up for you to go out and kill real people. In this case, it’s kind of a perfect deterrent to playing the game. Also, there’s a merit system. I don’t want merits for killing fake enemies, I just want to kill them. That’s why it’s so much better when the unseen enemy is alien or in the past…because there are no consequences. If there were, I’d just drop the gun and negotiate. 
– Mike D’Alonzo

World Championship Paintball - Paintball in real life is simulated battle. First person shooter videogames are simulated battle. This Venn Diagram puts a paintball videogame right in the middle, doubling its distance from reality. Add to that, crap graphics, crap voice over work, crap controls, and super crap gameplay and you've got a game that fails on an epic scale. Go play real paintball and skip this bomb. 
--Ty Colfax

Prey: Prey took 11 years to make, starting development in 1995 and finally releasing in 2006. It even started development at 3D Realms, the undisputed kings of never finishing games (Duke Nukem Forever!). After 11 years, we ended up getting a Doom 3 engine romp through an alien space ship with interesting gravity and portal mechanics. It largely fell under the radar, but sold well enough to get a sequel. After just a few months, the game dropped to $20 on Steam and out of the minds of the gaming masses.
--Brian Leahy

Honorable Mention:

Duke Nukem Forever: While it's technically possible that this game could live up to over a decade of hype, I wouldn't even bet your money on it.
--Stephen Johnson

Did we forget your least favorite? Let us know in the comments section.

Epic Fail: First Person Shooters


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