Epic Fail: Summer Blockbusters


Posted May 1, 2008 - By Stephen Johnson

It's almost summertime, and that means weenie roasts, vacations and summer blockbusters! Because we love nothing more than raining on parades, please enjoy TheFeed's list of the most epically fail blockbuster movies of all time.

Cloverfield: From the moment it was first advertised, I was really looking forward to Cloverfield, and the days leading up to the movie were fueled with all kinds of speculation as to what it would be. Then, I saw it. And what it would be, and what it is, is a giant, steaming pile of crap.

You kidding me? You can climb up the side of a leaning skyscraper to pull your girlfriend off of a piece of rebar and then ask her to run while gutted but miraculously unhurt only moments later? A monster can swat you out of the sky in a helicopter, but you won’t die from the fall? Really? I mean, REALLY? Also, you didn’t drop the frackin’ camera when the annihilation of millions of New Yorkers began? You held onto it…why? Because you’re self-absorbed and think that people care about what you think about the end of the world? Oh, and the army is going to have you in their possession, and then just sneak you out the back door of an emergency facility, just as long as you don’t break curfew? Gimme a break.

Cloverfield sucked. Yes, the monster was cool, but that was it, and you have to care about characters to care whether or not they live or die, and I just wanted to watch them die. Quickly. FAIL.
--Michael D'Alonzo

Epic Fail: The Spiderman Trilogy: Ok, I will admit I liked the first movie when I saw it for the first time. Key word: LIKED. I was a huge fan of the Spiderman comics as a kid, i think Tobey McGwyer is a great actor, and Sam Raimi has directed some of my favorite movies of all time. Throw in awesome special effects and an epic budget, that should equal cinema greatness, right? Wrong.

It was just "ok", and as if that wasn't disappointment enough, they had to make sequels. Now, the casting of Alfred Molina as Doc Oc made me very excited for where the movies were going, but the moment they made an actor of his caliber say things like "What's that...? Voices? In my head...?" they cut off their credibility at the knees. Then of course, we had to face the inevitable 3rd movie abortion that all blockbuster franchises have to force out like yesterday's bean and cheese burrito. I could go on and on about how horrible this movie was, so I'll just boil it down to the bare essentials; Nonsense plot, throw away additional characters, Spidey Night Fever, "How's the pie?", and F**KING RUINING VENOM, ONE OF THE GREATEST VILLAINS OF ALL TIME!!! 'Nuff said.
--Patrick Roche-Sowa

PlayStation 3: The Movie: One of the most successful franchises ever returns for a third go and there’s no way they can mess it up, right? The first two movies were loved by fans and made millions and millions of dollars. It’s a franchise that defined the genre. What am I talking about? Spider-Man? X-Men? No...

I’m talking about PlayStation 3: The Movie! This movie sucks! All of the things that made PS1 and PS2 great are missing. Half of the movie is straight out of The 360, the action-epic from rival studio, Microsoft. The scenes that they share look better in The 360, anyway. As for the exclusive scenes in PS3, they don’t last very long and don’t really make up for all the cross-movie sequences.

Plus, The 360 has better online play.
--Brian Leahy

Superman Returns: An innumerable number of Hollywood want-wits had their finger in Superman's pie during this film's looong development period, and it shows on every frame of the finished flick. It looks like it was made by a committee aiming to grow their stock portfolios with a a perfect "four quadrant" movie event; it doesn't look like anyone involved wanted to make some art (or even some quality entertainment.) As a result of its desperation to appeal to everyone, Superman Returns pleases no one but the most easily-amused yokel.

Among this movies many, many flaws:

  • The Romantic Sub-plot: Superman is a sensitive, non-threatening guy pining for his lost love, an appeal to the chick flick audience. I don't know about you, but if I were the most powerful man in the galaxy, I would take what I wanted. Emo Superman stinks.
  • Sequel confusion: Is this a sequel to 1978's Superman? You'd think so from Marlon Brando's appearance, but you'd think not from the rest of the movie.
  • No action: Most people would be able to overlook the lame plot line, obvious plot twists and other various and sundry horrors of Superman Returns if there had just been more action. Instead, we get a talky, schmaltzy, clunky Superman that never takes off. One decent set-piece in the beginning and Superman getting shot in the eye. Other than that, nothing cool happens for the movies interminably long running-time.
  • Super Baby: What needs to be said?

Give me the knowingly cheesy, ironic and tongue-in-cheek Superman of the 80s any day. At least exciting things happened in that  movie...and Christopher Reeves was a man, baby, not some emo-punk like Bryan Singer.
--Stephen Johnson

Tags: Epic Fail, Movies
Epic Fail: Summer Blockbusters


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