Below is a list of our personal pics for the most Epic Fail game characters of all time. We're not saying the games they star in are bad--in fact a good game often makes the failings of the main character stand out more than a crappy title--but the moteley collection of nincompoops and want-wits below are all epically failure-tastic.
Samus Aran: On the surface, Samus seems like a pretty awesome videogame protagonist. She kicks ass and doesn’t take any guff from Space Pirates. However, she just can’t seem to hold on to all her power-ups. At the beginning of every game she up and loses all her gear forcing you to get it all again. Conveniently, each planet she visits to unleash her hellish genocide among space-fairing pirate-types seems to have her exact power-ups in stock. There’s usually only one of each and a few new ones for good measure, but they are there. They’re also usually hidden at the end of stupid puzzles that make you bomb jump or defeat a boss. The Space Pirates should probably just toss them in the trash. Samus, you are awesome, but get an Epic Fail for not staying awesome at the beginning of your games.
--Brian Leahy
Bubba from Boogie: While everything about this game could constitute an epic fail, nothing stands out more in my mind than Bubba's attempt to become the face of the game that comes closest to making all Wii-haters right in their prejudice. In addition to being the mascot for the worst game yet for the Nintendo Mini-game machine, Bubba is a Boog. That's right, the characters in Boogie are referred to as Boogs. I was a fan of Boogs myself, probably around the time I was 4 or 5. I really have no interest in revisiting that hobby.
--Jonathan Hunt
Crash Bandicoot: Not as fast as Sonic and not as dirty as Conker, Crash Bandicoot has been slopping around the edges of videogame celebrity since his PlayStation debut in 1996. Born at the tale end of the brief, regrettable Aussie craze of the 90s, Crash, a super-evolved Bandicoot who fights pollution, seems to have been born out of a boardroom filled with clueless suits more concerned with keeping things “xtreme” (and extremely marketable) than in creating an interesting character. Not that his games are bad necessarily, but Crash Bandicoot seems is entirely stuck in the hyper mid 90s, when everything screamed at you and had to be totally in-your-face like a can of Jolt cola or the Clinton administration.
--Stephen Johnson
Sonic The Hedgehog: Being hooked early on in my adolescence by Mario and dedicated to the Nintendo world of consoles and games until the PS2, Sonic always looked so lame and confusing from my incredible world of Mario fanboyism. First of all, the game is too fast to see what the hell is going on. You zip through the level maybe collecting rings at a thousand miles an hour until, oops, you touch a bee with a metallic ass and all of your rings pop out. And if the first game wasn't bad and confusing enough, the sequels were always assy followed by more assy. Weird, unnecessary and/or cumbersome characters like Miles "Tails" Prower, Knuckles the Echidna, and Amy Rose made the sequels impossible to play.
Ya know, maybe Sonic would be bearable or even interesting if Mario didn't exist. But when you look at the both of them, Sonic is just not in the same league. Both of their first games were meant to propel the main character to posterboy-for-the-console status. They're both platformers and they both collected gold and had an ongoing battle with a fat dude. But Sonic is really just the knockoff Mario. It's like going to a flea market and wanting to buy Mario but all they have is the crappy bootlegged Mario whose only difference is that he can run fast and make annoying whirring sounds. So glad Mom got me a NES. Sonic, you suck.
--Ty Colfax
Billy Lee: Double Dragon (Arcade): If you play the arcade version of this game in co-op mode, you take on the role of Billy Lee and enlist the help of your brother, Jimmy to help you get back your kidnapped girlfriend Marian. The two of you spend the entire game brawling with badass martial artists who could show Chuck Norris a thing or two, and then, when you defeat the final boss, Marian asks you to fight each other to see which one of you is going to earn the rights to her lovin’. So, after Jimmy has helped you fight every gang member in the entire city, you beat his ass so you can get laid. Lame, dude. Bros before hos!
--Eugene Morton
Nintendogs: These are the worst ever gaming protagonists. They’re needy, they don’t accomplish anything, and they depend on you to do everything for them. Also, they’re stupid, they have no weapons, and they can’t even defend themselves against starvation. Plus, they let you put hats and tiaras on them. Try that with Solid Snake, and you’re getting your arms broken.
--Michael D'Alonzo
Gordon Freeman: F**KING SAY SOMETHING ALREADY!!!
--Patrick Roche-Sowa
Comment(s)
Sonic rocks
(z.o.e. ftw)
Fie on you sir, Sonic is freaking awesome. and at least Samsus doesn't lose everything at the beginning of MP hunters. And whats with the crappy photoshop of samus in a bikini? wtf? perverts.
WTH, Gordon Freeman OWNS!
Duke-Nukem should be on this list not Freeman
And the fact his origins are just his hat is upside down, so he must be evil... sorta, and he likes gold... and mini games, the end.
I don't want to get into that other purple guy that I don't even remember the name of... you know Lugis bizzaro guy.
Samus-bad ass that always loses her powers .
Crash- too easy to die/eat something other than peachs .
Sonic-needs to be cooler /lay of the speed/and needs to bang Amy already .
Thank you.
Those two who listed Freeman and Samus should be hang by their toes! They Fail!
Technically, it's a different Link / Zelda / Ganon every time.
It's the same story, but not the same characters.
Samus is the same character and just sucks at not losing her gear within 10 minutes.
3 Video game icons (Sonic and the Dragons) shot down , just like that..
You make me sad Mr. Johnson
he so badass he dosent need to talk
It's the same story, but not the same characters."
I seem remember Link losing his gear in Majora's Mask, which happened after the events in Ocarina of Time. And aside from getting mugged, he was transformed into one of the most useless forms in the game. This is where the looming voice in Smash Bros. yells, "Failure!"
Are you kidding? The Deku form was one of the most useful. The spin attack made you pretty untouchable in close combat. And I killed the thief bird on termina field countless times with it. It made me rich :)
And in case you haven't noticed, Master Chief doesn't talk in-game either, only during 3rd person cut-scenes.
Scripted sequences is what makes Half-life so awesome. It creates a level of immersion like no other!
yeah
sonic sucks
or for you scientific people who say their is no sucking in science
he vigorously inhales
it's just not right.
Now, sure Samus loses her powerups, but is not her damn fault. Cut her some slack, OK? She constantly jumps into danger like a true badass should. She's just a victim of unfortunate events when she loses her powerups. If you don't like her losing powerups, why not complain to Nintendo? Besides, she didn't lose any powerups in MP3.
Agree wth most, but not all. (especially not Sonic!)
I suppose it does all come down to preference, I just didn't like the fact the the Deku and Goron forms couldn't take to the water. Most useful was the Zora form, in my opinion.
Agreed. The Zora form was cool. Loved the kun-fu moves and throwing the blades. But he sucked at fire. A single lowly fire bat could hurt him badly. The goron couldn't even kill those anoying jellies, unless you rolled them with the spikes. I give him and a FAIL.
Bleahy also gets a fail for failing Samus and wind waker Link. The nerve!
and the glory of sonic is the speed, you can run anywhere you want, and you'll get to the end, just run.
I love Mario to death, and I agree Sonic games are tanking as of late. Though that really isn't fair to have a fanboy write this.
First of all, duh, Sonic games where meant to rival Mario's, but have you even played a Sonic game for more than one level? The design, gameplay, and stories are pretty damn different. Sure, you Mario and Sonic share some same platforming elements. Run and jump. That's pretty much it.
Mario involves a more cartoony and fantasy environment, with plenty of awesome powerups. Sonic, you're on your own. Speed is the key element, with an occasional shield or two. Sorry if you sucked at it, but that's no reason to push the (overused) "EPIC-FAIL" stamp. Notice Sonic also had a much more technical and sci-fi atmosphere.
Maybe if you were speaking of the new Sonic being lame, but dissing him since the classic days? For shame.
Am I one of the few who loved BOTH Sonic and Mario?
*no you
Show me a (good?) game to which the "power ups" (as described in the Samus scenario) isn't easily available, especially the good ones requiring a fight to get?
This thread is an epic fail.
Spyro=steaming pile of Fail
can't say fail enough times for that prissy sob
WTF! Written by a Mario fanboy of course.
Sonic game (the classics, though I kinda like the new ones just not as much) were intense, it wasnt all just blasting though the stage as quickly as you can. You obviously are an epic fail, you probably never played for more than like 2 minutes. You probably never experienced the thrill of Sonic 3 + Sonic & Knuckles, working hard to get Super Sonic then Hyper Sonic.
Mario is an Epic fail, fat slow old fart with a skinny arse brother.
How aspires to be a plumber for crying out loud!
"Mummy I wanna be the fastest kid in the world with cool spiky hair" or "mommy I want to be a fat arse lazy git plumper with arse crack" everyone knows crack kills.
Look you were either a Nintendo kid (boo) or a Sega/Atari Kid (yea!), you cant have a Nintendo kid write a review of Sonic.
-Ty Colfax = EPIC FAIL
Samus suffers from the same problem as Megaman and Kratos. If they kept all the things they gathered they'd be GODS! Well Kratos...technically...well, you see my point... That being said, it'd be nice if they got some sort of persisting upgrades in every game.
(indeed, Link is rarely the same person twice, so good job not picking him)
Why Freeman? Did he win some sort of silent protagonist lottery to get put on there? Link never says a word, Soap McTavish never says a word, all the Armored Core PCs never say a word, Amaterasu never technically says a word, the main character in every Pokemon game never says a word...
Picking on Freeman was pretty dumb.
Sonic was awesome back in the day, but then Sega started pimping out the poor guy and now look at him, he's a selling point for a nintendo game (ssbb). :(
As for the rest of them.. Yeah, Fail.
And as far as Billy Lee, he and his brother are incredibly great martial artists...WHY CAN'T THEY SWIM!?!?
(I had to put a space in the Earthworm's name, and not use Billy's brother's name...because the site thinks the name j-i-m is a forbidden word? How's that for an epic fail?)
and freeman is badass butt really needs to talk
sonic ftw.