Epic Fail: Attempts At Flight


Posted February 28, 2008 - By Stephen Johnson

Since the dawn of time, Man has dreamed of flying. Also going to school naked. But mostly of flying. While the majesty of man's conquest of gravity is super-inspiring and crap, we'd rather focus on the times when Mans' reach exceeds his grasp and rather than shuffling off the coil of this earth and soaring into the heavens, Man is more like, "oh, crap!" while he hurtles to the ground and certain death and/or humiliation. We're like that.

Please enjoy TheFeed's Epic Fail: Attempts at Flight.

Icarus: The classic, first ,and most epic of all epically failed flyers, mythical Icarus got carried away with the wings he'd created stolen from his pops, and flew too close to sun, melting the wax that held his contraption together, and causing his spectacular crash. Usually seen as a metaphor for man's hubris, I choose to think of the story of Icarus as a cautionary tale about using heat resistant wax when attaching bird wings to your arms. But Kid Icarus on the NES was pretty sweet.

M*A*S*H – The Flight Carrying Colonel Blake (Spoiler Warning!!):.At the end of the 3rd Season of M*A*S*H, the actor who played Colonel Henry Blake was leaving the show. To deal with this, his character was written off by having him discharged and sent back to America. Or so we thought. In the last scene of the Season 3 finale, Radar announces that Blake’s plane was shot down and that there were no survivors. Why’d they have to do that? What a kick in the f&#ing teeth.


This Kid I Knew: When I was young, a friend of mine, who must have been about ten at the time, put on a Superman costume and jumped off the roof of an apartment complex. Fortunately, some guy caught him before he cracked his head on the concrete below. When will easily impressionable kids learn?


O. J. Simpson 1994 Perhaps the most Epic Fail attempt at flight in recent memory, O. J. Simpson’s armed-and-panicked slow ride outta Dodge in Al Cowlings White Bronco on June 17, 1994 remains one of the top “where were you when” moments of the past 20 years.

Suspected of double-murder, Simpson had arranged through his lawyers to turn himself in to police custody on the morning in question. Ultimately, The Juice didn’t show, and thus began the most memorable car chase in history. Memorable, yes, because of the magnitude of Simpson’s celebrity, but more so due to the surreal, slow, almost parade-like procession that the “chase” became. Few can forget the eye-in-the-sky footage of the iconic Bronco leisurely cruising down the 405, followed a short distance back by a line of police cars, lights flashing, with throngs of spectators looking on from the freeway overpasses.

As we all know, The Juice wasn’t loose for long, making this a truly epic fail attempt at flight.

Some Dinosaurs: As we all know and unanimously agree, birds are evolved from flightless dinosaurs (that is to say, non-pterosaurs.) It can be assumed then that while the evolution was happening, many a dinosaur attempted flight and failed epically. Please see fig. 1 for a drunk artist’s rendering of what the first “birds” looked like.


People on acid: There have been lots of stories about people tripping on acid who thought they could fly, and they couldn’t. There’s an episode of either CHiPs or Quincy (or both) that deals with this phenomenon, and it’s also mentioned in Jim Carroll’s immortal hit ‘People Who Died.’ And Art Linkletter's daughter. The bottom line? People can’t fly, either drug-induced or not. Unless they have helicopters.




Penguins: I know there are many kinds of birds that can't fly, but this is ridiculous. These animals live in some of the most inhospitable places on the planet, and yet they're the ones who can't fly away and find a new nesting ground. They can't even run fast with those stumpy little legs of theirs. Their fastest mode of transportation is sliding around on their bellies. if that's not epic fail i don't know what it. As a matter of fact I hate penguins. I wish I'd never heard of g*damn penguins. They haunt me with their smug little fake tuxedo bodies and their disgusting flippers. I want to open a chain of Kentucky Fried Penguin restaurants and serve the little d-bags up on a g*damn spit. I'm going to the South Pole to burn those b*tches up with a butane torch.
--pat tractive

Tags: Epic Fail
Epic Fail: Attempts At Flight


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