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Epic Fail: Ex Girlfriends

sjohnson
51 Comments

Posted February 14, 2008 - By Stephen Johnson

In past weeks, we've discussed the epic failure of various aspects of videogames, films, television and technology, but today, in honor of St. Valentine's Day, TheFeed will be discussing failures of the heart. Strap in for our list of Epic Failures: Ex Girlfriends...then leave your own terrible dating experience in our comments section!

Bleahy:  Back in college, I had been dating a girl who was generally pretty crazy. Like, if we had a fight she’d get a full on panic attack. Wanting to break up with her, but not wanting to drive her to hurt herself or others, I stayed with her and tried to convince her to get some counseling. She finally saw someone and they put her on some medication. Then I broke up with her. A few days later she came by my house to “give me the things I had at her place”, which ended up being pasta sauce and toilet paper. This is odd, because I wasn’t keeping any sauce or TP at her place. I threw out them out.

Jrmylmb: So, I was dating this girl in high school who I really liked. We'll call her Tom. Tom had invited me over to her house so we could go out to dinner one evening, and I was excited to be hanging out with my lady, which was always nice. So, I get to Tom's house and her car is in the driveway, but all the lights are inexplicably dark in the house. I get to the front door and there's a note. She f****** breaks up with me through a note on her door after inviting me over. Cold, right? So, I head home and I'm annoyed and upset. By the time I get home, I've chilled out a little bit. I notice I have a phone message (you see, back then, you could only call a person's house and if there was no one home, you would record your voice onto a tape which they could play back when they got home.) So, I listen to the message and it's Tom, making sure I had gotten the note and reiterating that she wanted to break up using the exact phrasing from the letter. I was furious and I beat up my first old lady that night , and I've been beating up old ladies regularly since then. It helps to repair some of the damage, but I still feel like a piece of me will be missing until I can actually beat up Tom when she is old, too. So, the waiting game begins.

Peter Parker:  Look, Venom Symbiote, I know I broke up with you. To your credit, you did make me a stronger man, maybe the kind of guy that I’ve always wanted to be deep down, but toward the end you just got way too controlling. Honestly, you were smothering me.

We shared a bond that I’ve never had with anyone, not Mary Jane, not Gwen Stacy, nobody. People part ways all the time, whatever. That’s not my hang up. My problem is this, just because we broke up, that didn’t mean you had to go whore yourself around with every would-be supervillain in New York! First you left me for Eddie Brock, which was fine, you needed a rebound guy (even though you did try to get back with me right in front of poor Mr. Brock). After that, even after you had offspring with Brock (your first born, Carnage was a bastard hellion), you left Eddie for that gangster prick, Angelo Fortunato and then left Angelo for The Scorpion.

God knows who you’re with now, you harlot! I just hope you’re proud of yourself for being looser than the slot machines at Caesar’s Palace.  (transcribed by EMorton)

Yodapollo: The b*tch lied about being pregnant 30 minutes before I left for an Alaskan Cruise with my family because she didn't want me to be thinking of anything but her on the trip.

Sjohnson: My lack of epic stories about horrible ex-girlfriends is the biggest fail of all; I only have dime-a-million stories of drunken phone calls, teenage infidelity and why-did-I-date-them-in-the-first-place-anyway. Like, one time, this girl I was dating punched me in the face and gave me a black eye. Another ex was a (slightly) famous actress who was friends with a slightly more famous actress who wouldn't stop spitting in my pool. Someone I dated went to prison for felony drunk driving. Two different exes of mine cheated on me with other women. Once I asked this girl I was dating what the worst thing she had ever done was, and her response was so shocking, I can't find a way to phrase it here. One girl left me for the bass player of Letters to Cleo. That's all I got.

Pattractive: My ex Susie was the perfect woman. She was tall, beautiful, fun, and smart. She listened to great music, loved to go out on the town, was bi-sexual, and all my friends loved her. Susie went to an all girls college, and whenever i visited her i was surrounded by beautiful, intelligent women telling me how attractive i was and how lucky Susie was. the trouble was, Susie's major was Socio-Economic Theory with a focus on Post-Apartheid South Africa, and moved to Cape Town 3 months after we met, which meant we had exactly that long together. When she came back to the states almost a year later we were just good friends, and she proceeded to date a very good friend of mine. We're still close, and she hold a very powerful position at one of the largest charity organizations in the world. She also just got engaged. I am currently single.

MDalonzo: I once had a girlfriend I wanted to break up with three or four days into the relationship, but I ended up staying with her for six months. In the end, I needed the one-two punch of a pet dying and contracting a terminal disease to finally get out of it, but it was at the point where nothing else would have worked.

What didn’t I like? Let’s start with the ubiquitous smell of her feet. When she took her shoes off, the stench threatened to kill foliage for miles around. Or the fact that she sang…loudly…in public, and thought she had a good voice.  She did NOT have a good voice, so it was embarrassing to me each and every time she did it. Oh, and she was a bad kisser…and didn’t like sex. Not just with me, which I could understand, but at all. It got to the point that I literally had to play sick to get her not to come to my house, and, when she did, I would beg my roommates to hang around so that I didn’t have to spend time with her and her ridiculous, nouveau-intelligencia opinions that made me want to split her head in two.

Epic Fail: Ex Girlfriends
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