Super Bowl, for making us believe all these years, for building us up just to break us down, and for making us watch Brian Boitano skate and twirl around for the halftime show in '92, you are this Thursday's Epic Fail.
Let us first start with the game itself:
Wide Right! from Scott Norwood in Super Bowl XXV - After an incredible drive from the legendary Jim Kelly held together by great runs from Thurman Thomas, Norwood misses a potential game-winning field goal in the closing seconds. Providing the villain for Ace Ventura does not make up for this epic failure. See the last 10 minutes of the game on the tube.
The Buffalo Bills in Super Bowl XXV - XXVIII - Four consecutive Super Bowl appearances. Four losses. Epic fail.
The Game Every Year - Because of frequent disparities between the two leagues of the NFL, one team typically blows out the other, meaning months of anticipation, and weeks of analysis all add up to one trumped up, anticlimactic event that becomes about everything except the actual game, because the game usually sucks.
Madden Simulated Previews - TheFeed is a fan of Madden, (the man and the vidjagame) but to put it on demo mode and let the virtual Pats duke it out with Baby Manning and the simGiants is pointless and tells us nothing.
Cheap Dip - Can we splurge on the good dip just once, please?
The Halftime Show - Football fans tune in to see a bone-crushing battle on an unrelenting gridiron between giant men hopped up on drugs and paid millions of dollars. But when it comes to the halftime show, for some reason they think we want to see crap like Jordin Sparks, Clint Black, and *NSync. And even the legendary badasses (Rolling Stones, Paul McCartney for example) always put forth lackluster efforts. It's just the wrong audience for wussiemusic. Prince and Michael Jackson are the ironic exceptions.
Alternate Halftime Shows - So, the halftime show blows. Maybe you'd like to check out other even more lame alternatives like Lifetime's Hallmark Hall of Fame, Sky Angel's Christian alternative, or the SNL Weekend Update Halftime Show from '03 which stunk mightily. BIG TIME EXCEPTION
Tecmo Super Bowl - Does not belong on this list; it is epic win.
The Commercials - Keep a tally of how many times you hear this exact quote over the next few days: "I just want to watch for the commercials" YOU FAIL! The commercials are just as over-hyped and disappointing as the whole day. And I don't care how much a 30-second spot costs. I know it's more than I'll ever see and price does not measure quality.
People who think it's a social event to watch the game - Chatty girls and confused casual watchers make it hard to hear and understand what's happening in the game. How would your girlfriend feel if you made annoying jokes and asked questions throughout the premiere of Bridget Jones 3: Return of the Diary?
Wardrobe Malfunction - Janet Jackson and Justin Timberlake experienced an infamous epic failure in S.B. XXXVIII when Janet's boob was unveiled during a halftime show. While this is not an epic fail for mankind in the larger scheme, it was for her and CBS which was fined a record-breaking $550,000 by the FCC.
The Roman Numerals - Last I checked, the Romans were dead. Can we start using numbers consistent with the millennium we're living in? Thanks.