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Epic Fail: Holidays

sjohnson
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Posted December 27, 2007 - By Stephen Johnson

TheFeed is proud to present the latest installment of Epic Fail Thursday, our weekly feature that brings you the greatest failures in the world of videogames, popular culture and technology. We're not talking run-of-the-mill defeat here; Epic Fail Thursday is reserved for the top of the bottom: Grand-scale fiascos only!

Today's Epic Fail: Holidays

The holiday season is almost over, but before we enter those long, dead months between New Years and Summer, let’s consider the most epic failure holidays the calendar has to offer.

  • Columbus Day -- Columbus Day used to be a big deal. The idea is sound--let's honor the guy who discovered the U.S.A!-- but the problems with this holiday are several-fold. First: There were already people in North America when Columbus landed...and we probably shouldn't celebrate what Columbus and his ilk did to the real first Americans. The actual discoverers of this country traveled over the Berin Straight and south into Canada (and later Mississippi) while the Columbus family was still living in a cave and eating dirt. The second problem with Columbus Day: Even if you were inclined to celebrate the first European to sail to America, you'd still be barking up the wrong tree. Lief Erickson was here first, and he was a friggin' Viking! Third: Chinese people visited too. And people from India may have visited. Let's not forget Jesus spending so many years here (according to Mormons) and the space aliens. Columbus was like the last guy at the party, so, unless I get a day off work, we shouldn't celebrate him.

  • Arbor Day -- We celebrate Arbor Day on the final Friday in April every year by planting trees and thinking about how special trees are and hugging trees and otherwise act like stinky hippies. Obviously, no one has ever celebrated this day for real, as there are way too many trees already and what have they ever done for me? The highlight of the history of Arbor Day was a Charlie Brown special back in the 70s (It’s Arbor Day, Charlie Brown), and even that is it’s generally regarded as the worst of all Charlie Brown specials.  Here's a clip. (It's better in Japanese, trust me.)

  • Boxing Day -- Traditionally celebrated in Great Britain on the day after Christmas, Boxing Day never really caught on in the United States. Probably because "The Day After Christmas" is a de facto holiday anyway. Also, the day is traditionally observed by giving gifts to the poor and fox hunting, two sports that are downright un-American.
  • Flag Day -- There are just way too many holidays where Americans are supposed to be all rah-rah about what a super-special country we live in and isn't freedom awesome? One of them has to go. Flag Day, pack your bags and hit the damn pike, you useless holiday.
  • Grand Parents Day -- Old people live in special homes where they get all their meals provided without working for them, get to play with their Wii all day and, if they're lucky, get turned over occasionally to avoid bed sores. Isn't that enough for our nation's ungrateful elderly? They also want a whole day where we honor them? Greedy old prunes.
  • Valentine's Day -- This holiday fails because the male half of the population are expected to provide romantic gifts, trips to a romantic bed and breakfasts and other romantic crap to the nation's sexy ladies... which is the most backward idea ever. If I knew what was romantic, I'd be a chick, right? Stop expecting us to go against our nature, ladies. Also, if you are ugly or fat and can't find a rag with chloroform, you spend all day torturing yourself over your own hideousness.
Epic Fail: Holidays
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