G4 Presents: The Thompson Report


Posted December 13, 2007 - By Stephen Johnson

As you probably know, the Mitchell Report will be released today. The report details, names and subsequently shames professional baseball players who have used performance-enhancing drugs.

Coincidentally, G4 is releasing The Thompson Report today, an exhaustively researched and completely not-imaginary compilation of the illegal substances abused by video game characters.

The report's revelations are shocking; many of your most cherished digital childhood heroes from the last 25 years of gaming will be forever tarnished at the revelations contained herein, so make sure you're prepared before you continue reading.

The Thompson Report

  • Paperboy, Cocaine-- The high pressure world of paper-delivery in the go-go eighties drove this yuppie to abuse the "Columbian marching powder."
  • Sora from Kingdom Hearts, GHB-- Sora was believed to have ingested GHB from accidentally swallowed Aqua-Dots.
  • Leisure Suit Larry, Enzyte, Rohyphnol, 'Ludes -- Larry tested positive for outdated downer Quaaludes and modern herbal "enhancement" drug Enzyte. Strangely, he was caught with several vials of "roofies," although none of the date-rape-drug was found in his system.

  • Ace Attorney Phoenix Wright, Dexies, Bennies, Yellowjackets, et. al.
  • Mario, Mushrooms-- No mention of drug use in the videogame world would be complete without a mention of Mario's notorious mushroom addiction.
  • Kratos, Human Growth Hormone, Steroids, Super-Steroids, PCP, Stenadol, Blood-Doping, God Growth Hormones, Lithium (for mood disorders), Ambrosia, Creatine, More. -- Kratos broke our testing apparatus with the number of substances coursing through his insanely muscled body.
  • Q'bert, Goofballs.
  • Elevator Action Guy, Whippets
  • Princess Peach, Crack-- Princess Peach is high on crack, although you really can't tell. Trust us, though: She's a chicken-head.
  • Mad Dog and Scorpion from Contra, Heroin, Marijuana: Both Mad Dog and Scorpion took to pot and then heroin to deal with the flashbacks. As Mad Dog put it:  "You weren't there, man, in the sh*t, so you don't get it."
  • Kirby, Phen-Fen, Ecstasy.
  • Dirk Daring, Heroin (smoked.)
  • Duke Nuke'em, Cocaine, Marijuana -- Although Mr. Nuke 'Em was once addicted to cocaine, it seems he switched his drug-of-choice to marijuana, and then lost all ambition.
  • Earthworm Jim, Jenkum.
  • Digital Representation of Mo Vaughn In MLB '07, Steroids-- Even the videogame version of this athlete is juicing.

It's not all bad news, though. The following is a list of the honorable, game characters who don't use any drugs.

  • C.J. from Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas-- C.J. is surprisingly straight-edge. It's all just a pose, people.
  • Kane and Lynch-- Both Kane and Lynch are currently in rehab at the Promises treatment center in Malibu California.
  • All of Street Fighter's fighters: Those D.A.R.E messages on the old school Street Fighter machines actually worked on someone!

If we missed any characters you KNOW are on drugs, leave a comment below!

G4 Presents: The Thompson Report


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