TheFeed is proud to bring you our horoscope for 2007. Set your sextants, friends. This is the real deal about what's going to happen to you this year.
Happy New Year from TheFeed!
ARIES (Mar 21 – Apr 19)
You have been beat down so many times, you may think you have lost your will. But this year you will thrive in your relationships. Your knowledge of game cheats and your extensive library of porn are an inspiration to others, and your skepticism is contagious. You enjoy decorating your home with fascinating art objects. This year your plumbing will be good and your hands will be swift, use them wisely.
TAURUS (Apr 20 – May 20)
Stuck in a flame war? This year it is time to shut down and re-boot. Suddenly your problems will be less tricky and those challenging puzzles you’ve been trying to solve will start to have clearer answers. If you stop being a droid, others might actually find you interesting. Start by switching up your IM photo with something mildly original - and no, a photo of you touching yourself is not acceptable.
GEMINI (May 21 – June 21)
You’ve been waiting for something amazing to happen. Well, don’t hold your breath. Adventure isn’t going to find you! You have to go find it for yourself. Try selling all the useless software sitting on your shelf. Your excessive clutter is keeping you from human contact. This year is a good time to surprise a close friend with a smack on the ass or an awkward shoulder rub.
CANCER (June 22-July 22)
You’ve got more talent in your little finger than most people have in their whole bodies. But, your social skills are severely lacking. This year try to expand your network. Are you ready to try something new? You should expect to be attracted to subjects and people that our foreign to you – just go with it. Try not to screw a good thing up just because you do not understand it.
LEO (July 23 – Aug 22)
The celestial influences say you should go for it! You can save the princess and you can beat the game. Don’t give up. Don’t criticize yourself for having human desires about a digital hottie. Use those video game inspired urges to expand your intimacy with your lover. No lover? Feel free to use up all your energy on strengthening your bond with the game.
VIRGO (Aug 23 – Sept 22)
Loosen up. You can start over in the New Year. Put your controller down and stop crying over the PS3 you didn't get for the holidays. Dreams don’t always come true. In fact, most of the time they don’t! You might want to wrap up the past and hide it away forever. Make an effort to remember the lessons recent challenges have taught you.
LIBRA (Sept 23 – Oct 23)
Your porn addiction will be dangerously out of control this year. Eject that DVD and hop online to flirt with some real ladies. Use your energy appropriately. Don’t underestimate your charm and seduction abilities. You might look like one of Mario and Luigi’s brothers, but the ladies online don’t have to know that.
SCORPIO (Oct 24 –Nov 21)
The Moon is in the seventh house and Jupiter is aligned with mars – so things are looking groovy. A sense of whimsy drives you forward right now. The path may not be straight at first. Let the Wii guide you and you’ll soon find that your way is the right way. Save your energy. The big holiday D&D game will be the most challenging yet.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 – Dec 21)
You are preoccupied with a new goal that is slightly out of your current skill set. Don’t be afraid to ask for direction. A new cooling fan might be just the help you need. Your 5 foot tall Santa that keeps repeating “Live Long and Prosper” might not be attracting all the ladies. No worries, according to the stars you are not likely start a new romance this year anyway, but next year the women will not stop coming.
CAPRICORN (Dec 22 - Jan 19)
Lately every day seems like the last. Your co-workers are starting to catch on to your obsession with YouTube dancing cats. The new moon in Sagittarius might lead to thoughts of dismay. These will soon pass. Focus on creating a goal for yourself. This year try to run your life as if it had it’s own Wii gyroscopic joystick. Any move is possible and will bring great possibilities of success.
AQUARIUS (Jan 20 – Feb 18)
You may be a winner on “Gears of War,” but your life is hardly HD quality. This year life will take a turn for the better. Be on the look out for free preview pictures on you favorite porn site. Try showing off this year. But, refrain from telling others your most unique desires.
PISCES (Feb 19 – Mar 20)
There will be no unforeseen crashes this year. People may be jealous of all the attention you are getting. Remember it is not always about you. You may be tempted to remove clothing during an iVideo chat – this will not lead to a positive outcome. And, yes, people will notice if you wear your favorite shirt two days in a row.