Learn about the exciting field of teledildonics. No, we're not kidding.

"I tried phone sex... got my penis stuck in the 9." -- Comedian Kevin Meaney

Was Meaney introducing an advanced method of phone sex, or he was taking an early stab at teledildonics?

Teledildonics, also known as cyberdildonics, is the science of connecting tactile electronic devices to a remote or virtual partner for sexual stimulation. In Howard Rheingold's 1991 book Virtual Reality, he described the ultimate teledildonic device as a "diaphanous bodysuit, something like a body stocking but with the kind of intimate snugness of a condom." Loaded with an "array of effectors," users of the suit could pretend to be in the same room, even if they were thousands of miles apart, by placing precise touches to the suit.

A few years ago, Vivid Entertainment created a prototype of Rheingold's sex suit. Made out of neoprene, the suit was packed with 36 sensors attached to the chest and crotch. Details on the suit are sketchy, but initial reports claim it cost $200,000 and offered as much sexual stimulation as a dead person. In addition, there was a rumored electrocution fear for users with pacemakers. Given this initial costly failure, Vivid scrapped the project with no plans to reintroduce it.

The truth is we're a long way off from an Internet-connected tactile suit -- the Holy Grail of teledildonics (as if the church would condone such a device). Advances in tactile technologies have been slow. Unlike sound and video, tactile tech is in its nascent stages and incapable of tricking its users into believing they're experiencing the "real thing."

Though no device yet exists with the ability to fool, some electronic devices, like vibrators, do have the ability to arouse. Eager to jump into the potentially lucrative teledildonic market, a handful of companies like Digital Sexsations (adult content) and SafeSexPlus began selling boxes that allow users to connect their vibrators to a computer and then the Internet. The problem with an Internet-connected vibrator is it didn't offer any new functionality. It's still just a vibrator. There's still only one control -- speed. The Kama Sutra offers hundreds of sexual positions. An Internet-connected vibrator can be turned to high.

Users who did choose to purchase these pseudo-teledildonic devices spent hours trying to get them to work. And unless troubleshooting Windows 98 makes you horny, trying to get an Internet-connected vibrator to respond was an exercise in frustration. And being sexually frustrated is something we've all experienced sans technology.

All these companies appear to be long gone except one, the Virtual Sex Machine (VSM) (adult content). The VSM (click on the link to watch a video of the device in action) seems to be the product available today that most closely fits the description of teledildonics. The device is an oral sex masturbation machine that operates in unison with a pornographic movie. Connected to a computer, the VSM reacts to appropriately timed signals embedded in the data stream of a CD-ROM or DVD-based movie. So as you watch the woman move down, so does the VSM's suction device.

If the VSM video isn't enough of a disturbing visual, what about the idea of Kevin Meaney's penis getting stuck in the 9? How believable is that? Nobody uses a rotary phone anymore.