If you get all choked up when Tiny Tim says “God bless us, everyone” or when Ralphie opens his Red Ryder B.B. gun, these aren’t the holiday movies for you. But if you watch It’s a Wonderful Life and wonder why George Bailey doesn’t just kick Mister Potter down a flight of stairs or your idea of a perfect Christmas DVD involves a maniac in a Santa suit flaying coeds, I gotcha covered. Here’s a suggested-watching list of my personal top five cult flicks to help you get through the holidays, the most mawkish, mainstream time of the year.
5) Silent Night Deadly Night
No matter what you think of early '80s horror-sploitation movies, you gotta hand it to Silent Night Deadly Night for truth in advertising—the movie poster promises a guy dressed like Santa Claus will murder teenagers with an axe, and that’s just what happens in the flick. SNDN follows the holiday-themed slasher-movie formula faithfully—a kid sees his parents murdered by a robber dressed as Saint Nick, so he snaps when he grows up and kills a bunch of coeds in creative, brutal ways—but formulaic or not, it’s a great antidote for the relentlessly cheery tone of too much holiday-special drivel.
Upon its release, Silent Night Deadly Night caused an ruckus among uptight types who tried to ban it, and the publicity probably accounts for the financial success of the film and the existence of its four sequels. But controversial or not, it’s pretty decent horror flick that thankfully doesn’t fall prey to the campy-vibe that mars too many high-concept horror movies. Silent Night Deadly Night takes itself seriously enough to deliver some effective shocks. By the way, the sequels are pretty bad, except for Part 5. It stars former child superstar Mickey Rooney as an evil toymaker and is worth checking out...although, tragically it has yet to be released on DVD.
4) The City of Lost Children
The City of Lost Children's surreal Christmas scene is one of the most twisted views of the holiday ever committed to film. It begins with a French child staring in wonder as Pere Noel jumps out of the fireplace, bearing a huge smile and sack of presents. Nice, until another, more disturbing Father Christmas leaves the hearth, and then another, even-weirder looking Santa joins him, and another, and another and another, until the entire living room is full of dozens of misshapen, laughing, red-cheeked Santa Clauses. The boy wakes up screaming. It's a nightmare, but real life is worse: He's been kidnapped by a mad scientist who is trying to steal his dreams. The multiple-santas is an image that will stay with you for a very long time, and the rest of the film is just as good. Plus, it's French, and in spite of the opinions of Right-wing politicians and Internet idiots, French things are cool and beautiful.
3) Santa Claus: The Movie (20th Anniversary Edition DVD)
Hollywood sucks. If you ever need entertaining proof, pick up this DVD. Not even vaguely “cult” on its release, Santa Claus: The Movie was a big-budget, special effects-heavy high-concept can’t-miss studio release in the early 80s. It was directed by Alexander Salkind, riding high on Superman fame, and featured then mega-star(!) Dudley Moore. “How can it lose?” some cigar-chomping studio head must have thought, “Kids love Santa Claus! Let’s make a movie about ‘im. We’ll make millions!”
Except that it sucked. Hard. In spite of the unprecedented money spent on its effects sequences, this flick sank like a stone. I’m sure someone got fired over it.
Why is it on the list of top cult Christmas movies, then? The game behind the game. Time and changing fashions have stripped all the artifice from what was once a forgettable, Hollywood entertainment product and exposed the sordid underbelly of greed, frustration, and talentless hackery that too often lurks just beneath the surface of big Hollywood. It’s hard to describe how thoughtless and cynical this movie is when the special effects no longer have the power to take your mind off the lameness…you just have to see it. And the 20th anniversary DVD release of a movie nobody remembers fondly (including a commentary track from Special Projects consultant Scott Michael Bosco! Thanks…I think.) is the final nail in the coffin.
2) Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (Mystery Science Theater 3000 Version)
The original version of this movie is included on many “worst film ever” lists on account of the weirdo title, but the 1964 kiddy movie isn’t bad enough to even be interesting. Santa Claus Conquers the Martians offers viewers nothing except a ludicrous premise—aliens are desperate to make their space-children happy, so they kidnap Santa Claus and take him to Mars— and the chance to watch professional 1980s skank Pia Zadora as a 5-year-old. But when you add Mystery Science Theater commentary to the cardboard sets, cast-off costumes and wooden acting, you end up with holiday gold. No one makes fun of bad movies like MST3K, and Rhino finally put this essential episode of the much-beloved (and missed) show out on DVD last holiday shopping season. Believe me, there are worse things you could stuff in a stocking than this DVD.
1) Christmas Evil
This 70s-psycho flick is John Waters’ favorite holiday movie, and if that’s not enough of an indicator of cult perfection, I can’t imagine what is. The black comedy tells the story of an isolated icky loser whose psycho-sexual development is impossibly twisted up with Santa Claus. See, as a child, Harry saw a man in a Santa suit performing oral-sex on his mother, and that screws him up good. Now that he’s a full-grown creep, he starts to think he is Santa Claus. He works in a toy factory, spies on neighborhood children to see who’s naughty and who’s nice and generally loathes anyone who fails to celebrate Christmas correctly. The murderous climax is a little predictable, but Christmas Evil maintains a consistently creepy vibe perfect for the story, and has maybe the best ending of any movie I have ever seen. I won't give it away here, but even if you’re bored by the movie's sometimes slow-moving action, I promise if you stick around till the end, you’ll be amazed.
Interesting Christmas Evil trivia: the part of the lead maniac is played by Brandon Maggart, Fiona Apple’s dad! Also, watch for Danny Federici as the saxophone player in the band. He went on to play keyboards in Bruce Springsteen’s E-street band.
