E3, the world's leading interactive entertainment trade event, is upon us and the excitement is palpable. Around the G4 compound, us nerds, geeks and super-dweebs are frothing at the mouth (literally) in anticipation for this annual event. What sort of new technology will be unveiled? Which new games and gadgets will garner the biggest buzz? What celebrities and game developers will you see cruising the floor? And if Tara Reid shows up, will her boob fall out of her dress?

But the biggest question on the minds of us G4ians and the fans committed to spending three straight days (four if you are setting up a booth or a member of the press) at E3 is: "How the hell will I make it through this thing?!" E3 ain’t some walk in the park; this is three grueling eight-hour days on your feet, walking and talking, meeting and greeting, glad-handing and gaming. The lines are long, the food is fast, the drinks are pricey, and your feet will likely be covered in blisters and scabs within the first three hours.

So how does one survive E3? Like a solider in combat, baby, you gotta be equipped for anything. So let’s run down a list of dos and don’ts, and health and safety tips and tricks for your journey into the world of E3.

Dress appropriately – Wearing comfy shoes and clothing is arguably the most important tip I can possibly give you. You will be on your feet all day and, unless you’re a loser, all night. Even if you are working and need to look nice, wear some broken-in loafers or Oxfords or something, ‘cause if you put on those stiff leather dress shoes, you are gonna be hurtin’, buddy. Your blisters will have blisters on them, and those blisters will unite with other disgruntled skin afflictions and plot your untimely demise. And don't even get me started on the woes of too-tight pants.

Drink lots of water – It is remarkably easy to get dehydrated at these events, what with the lack of windows, fresh air or ventilation and all. And if you are drinking beer or cocktails (and who isn’t!), this will speed up the process. And there’s nothing more annoying than a sweaty drunk who doesn’t realize they are drunk. And speaking of sweat…

Carry deodorant with you at all times – Dude, you have no idea how bad you smell…but I do! It is easy to forget you are gonna be indoors and working up a sweat walking around all day, so you assume that little smidgeon of deodorant will last the whole event. Let me assume you, it won’t. By 2 p.m. you will be emitting a foul odor that will penetrate even the most clogged nostrils if some unsuspecting victim happens to get stuck next to you in a line for Lorne Lanning’s autograph. By 5 p.m. you will be a smelly beast with wet ringlets around your pits. By that game developer party at 8 p.m. I will be forced to kill you and dispose of your stinky corpse. Not really, but I may tell you, “You stink,” and slip ya some Right Guard.

Bring Advil (or whatever suites your fancy) – When the inevitable time comes that you hit sensory overload and your head is about to explode, you’ll wanna have some Advil, Asprin or whatever you dig handy to pop down your gullet to relive that pain. If you get stuck in the middle of the crowded floor and your eyes start to bug out, your brain swells, and your temples throb, some choice pain reliever is mandatory. If not, your skull will crank and you’ll leak brain matter all over the floor and the cleaning crew will have to mop it up and talk smack about you behind your back. 

Don’t get high – I know it seems like such a good idea to toss down a coupla beers or smoke some shrub before hitting the convention, but let me assure you it’s not a good idea. By the time you drive to Convention Center, park, walk from the parking lot to the showroom, and wait in line to get in, your buzz will have worn off and you’ll just be tired, burnt out and ready to go home. Nope, save the substances for the parties afterwards, where you will inevitably make a fool of yourself anyways, but less people will blog about it.

Pee...and pee again! – It seems like such a good idea to hold in your pee when you have to go so you can catch that one photo op, meet that special celeb or play that badass game, but when you belly aches, your sides are ready to split open and your bladder is tying itself in knots just to get your attention, you’ll regret it. There’s nothing worse than getting to the point where your bladder is going to drop out of your stomach and then not being able to find the bathroom in the immense maze that is the Los Angeles Convention Center. Like my Uncle Ruth always said, “Pee when ya gotta pee, boy. That’s why God made pee!” And then he’d hit me in the back of the head and call me Jesus. But that’s another story...

E3 2005 is held May 18-20, 2005 at the Los Angeles Convention Center.